Search for the Plot pt. 8

Chapter 8...

Hummingbird 1000...

Lunatic and his crew looked at the oncoming house. He couldn't put his finger on it, but something about that house made a shiver run down Lunatic's spine.

“Gokiburi Prince, report!” Lunatic called.

“Well, it's three-stories, looks like a New England house, two-door garage, the siding could use a little work, though...” GP reported.

“No, who's INSIDE it.” Lunatic corrected.

“Oh, why didn't you say so?” GP asked.

—

The Face DimsanoThe Face's Ship...

“Sir, the bloggers' ship is requesting contact.” A soldier reported.

“Let them eat static.” The Face ordered with a smirk.

—

Hummingbird 1000...

“Loon, all I'm getting is static.” GP reported.

“Keep the transmission open.” Lunatic said, “But keep your fingers on the firing buttons!”

“Can I fire the ship's Hyper Lasers?” Ray asked before saying to Abe, “As a Star Fox fan, I have to say that us having that stuff is AWESOME!”

“Yeah!” Abe grinned.

“No, not yet.” Lunatic said to Ray.

—

“Sir, they still haven't raised their shields yet.” the soldier reported.

The Face chuckled with a form of malicious mirth before saying, “Of course, we are all one big, happy homeowners association. Oh, Lunatic, are you aware of the old, anti-Author proverb that says that revenge is a dish best served a day old with some soup that developed that icky skin? Well, it most certainly IS a day old with some soup that developed that icky skin...in space.”

The Face looked over to see Dimsano in a rather complex yoga pose and giving him a weird look.

“Scrap you, it's fun.” Face stated, "And what are you doing?"

"Being calm." Dimsano told the Face, “Now then...close your eyes...and concentrate.”

—

“Alright, my friend, let's get you out of here...” Rook said as E350 and Systema heaved Xem onto his feet and began carrying him away.

“Freeze, bloggers!” said a gruff voice. Three soldiers stood in their way, carrying assault rifles.

“Ahem...” Systema and Rook said in unison, giving E350 irritated looks.

“Well, if you're going to be petty now...” E350 said, indignantly. Systema used his free hand to hit the Australian over the head.

—

The Face Dimsano The FaceDimsano's ship...

“Are you sure this is going to work?” Dimsano asked, still in a rather complex yoga position.

“You give these bloggers too much credit.” The Face smirked, “They're just geeky, obsessive, ThatGuyWithTheGlasses wannabes! Watch this!”

—

Hummingbird 1000...

“Loon, the ship's sending in a call.” GP reported, “They say that they're fellow critics.”

“What?” Lunatic asked, obviously not buying that story, “From where?”

“From...” GP said, turning to the group with a confused look, “Fox News, apparently.”

At that point, an audio link opened up.

“Hello! This is Glenn Beck!” came the Face's voice doing a bad impression, “The truth doesn't have an agenda. We ran out of sugar and we were wondering if we could borrow a cup!”

“Beck-dude, what're ya doin' in space?” Cooly asked, “Are ya tryin' to juggle planets to try and imitate GURREN LAGANN?!” Cooly did another air guitar.

“No, this is a special crossover with...” Face began searching for a name, “Bill O'Reilly!”

The Face motioned to Dimsano, who popped out of his position. The two had a brief, silent argument, which concluded with the Face pulling out an Uzi. Dimsano sighed in irritation at that.

“Sure thing, friend.” He said in an equally bad impression of Bill O'Reilly while a confused look was on his face, “Are you a patriot or a pinhead?”

--

Cartooniac leaned over to Lunatic and said, “If we give them sugar, we'll have to lower our shields.”

“Come on!” came the voice of “Glenn Beck”, “If you give it soon, I'll list off a thousand and forty-two reasons why the Obama administration makes the Founding Fathers do acrobatics in their graves!”

“Wow, that DOES sound informative!” Fixer exclaimed.

“GP?” Lunatic asked.

“Well, their dissent levels are rather high at the moment...” GP reported, looking at the scanner, “But their sucrose levels are normal...”

At this point, Dimsano snapped.

“Oh, JUST GIVE US THE FREAKING SUGAR OR ELSE I'LL DISEMBOWEL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS AND DONATE THEM TO FIFTY DIFFERENT, THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES!” Dimsano shouted.

“Wow, that DOES sound like O'Reilly.” GP said.

“Yeah, the dude sounds like he means it.” Cooly added.

“Alright, put some sugar in the cannons and shoot it over.” Lunatic ordered.

“But if you do THAT, our lasers will be useless.” Cartooniac said through clenched teeth and a rather demented-looking smile.

“Do you REALLY wanna mess with the guy with the highest ratings in talk shows?” Lunatic asked, “No? THEN LOWER OUR SHIELDS!”

As the group was doing this, Kitty and Iron were working on something in the engineering room. Bindi gave them a suspicious look before turning to Strait.

“I think something's off about those two...” Bindi said.

“Hmm...keepin' to themselves, Kitty lackin' any emotions, Steel's got red eyes and a jacket...” Strait said to himself, “Seems normal to me.”

“Am I the ONLY person here with any form of sanity?” Bindi asked herself.

—

The Face Dimsano The Face Dimsano SCRAP WHOSE SHIP IT IS!

“Sir, they lowered their shields!” the soldier reported.

“Then raise OURS.” Face smirked.

—

“Dude, the guys're raisin' their shields!” Cooly reported.

“Glenn, how COULD YOU?!” Lunatic shouted, “FIRE TORPEDOES!”

“Can't.” Ray answered.

“What about lasers?” Lunatic asked.

“Sorry, but you turned them into PIXIE STIX!” Ray shouted.

“Shields up!” Lunatic ordered.

“Told you.” Cartooniac murmured.

—

“FIRE!!!” The Face ordered.

—

The Face's house-ship opened-fire on PI's house-ship. The blasts knocked a few panels off and caused the ship to jerk to the side. Inside, Dimentio yelled as he was knocked off his feet and K-chan cheered, swinging around a little stuffed sea turtle.

“REPORT!” Lunatic called.

“NOT COOL, DUDE!” Cooly shouted, “THE WEAPONS ARE OFFLINE, THE SHIELDS ARE DOWN, AND WE JUST LOST OUR CONNECTION TO NETFLIX!”

“CRAP!” Lunatic swore.

“I KNOW! I WAS WANTING TO SEE Samurai 7, TOO!” Cooly shouted before exclaiming, “The only way that Seven Samurai could've gotten more hardcore would be if it ALSO HAD GIANT ROBOTS, MAN!!!”

“Sarge Ray, can we fire back?!” Lunatic called.

“According to the blinking, red lights...NO.” Ray deadpanned.

“Engineering!” Lunatic called.

“Hi, this is Dezblade!” came Dezblade's voice via answering machine, “I can't make it due to having something exploding in my face! Please leave your message after the scream in pain. AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!”

“FIXER!” Lunatic shouted, “You're the navigator, do something!”

“Well, if Nintendo has taught me anything, it's DO A BARREL ROLL!" Fixer responded, spinning the Wii Steering Wheel and causing the whole house to turn over, deflecting laser blasts from the enemy ship, but also sending everyone bouncing off the walls.

“Right, Fixer is never allowed to do a barrel roll again.” Lunatic groaned before calling, “REPORT!”

“I'm REAL dizzy, captain...” Cooly mumbled before falling down.

“Loon, the enemy ship wants to open transmission to discuss our terms of surrender.” GP reported.

Lunatic looked at his crew. If they continued this, essentially fighting unarmed, they would all certainly die.

“Put them onscreen.” Lunatic said. With a flicker, Dimsano appeared, “Hey, you're not Bill O'Reilly! I DOUBT YOU'RE EVEN PIERS MORGAN!”

“I am Doctor Dimsano, my friends, few of you may know me and...”

“No, no, no, no, no, NO!” The Face shouted, chasing Dimsano off-screen, “I told you this was MY ship, so I'M the captain!”

“You?” Lunatic asked, his brows furrowing.

“Oh, so you DO remember me?” The Face asked, a wide smile stretching across his face, “I'm touched...”

“The Joker?” Lunatic asked.

“IT'S THE FACE!” Face shouted, “DEAR LORD, YOU'RE DENSE! WE ONLY TALKED A FEW DAYS AGO!”

“Head...what is the meaning of this attack?” Lunatic asked.

“Ha. Methinks the laddie does digest too much.” The Face chuckled.

“That's 'lady' and 'protest', you moron.” Dimsano corrected, walking over, “Holy PINEAPPLE, your Shakespeare is TERRIBLE. Lang Zi says 'Any wolf to pity the ungrateful person is useless'..."


“Shut up with the Phoenix Wright references, goggles.” Face stated.

“Okay, what do you want?” Lunatic asked with an annoyed sigh.

“To beam yourself aboard our vessel and face the wrath of Dr. Dimsano.” Dimsano replied. Face cleared his throat, causing Dimsano to sigh in irritation, “And the Face.”

“But mostly the Face.” Face corrected.

“And if I don't?” Lunatic asked.

“Then you get to see the death of one of your friends down below.” Face answered.

“C'mon, they're not THAT stupid enough to get-”

Lunatic was cut-off by a call from E350.

“Lunatic, we're in a bit of a situation here.” he said. Lunatic growled and face-palmed at that.

—

Rook, Xem, E350, and Systema were surrounded. E350 was looking a bit sheepish as he talked into an intercom, “We kinda got ourselves captured. But don't worry, I shall use my psychic powers to control them!”

E350 held out his hand, but got it knocked away by one of the guard's assault rifles.

“AHA! But we still have our GUNS!” E350 grinned as he and Systema pulled out their pistols.

“So do WE.” a guard deadpanned as they held their rifles up to shoulder level.

“Oh.” E350 said, “Well, we're downright screwed, aren't we?”

“Appears so.” Systema nodded, tossing his gun over his shoulder.

—

“Listen, Expression,” Lunatic said, “You can't be serious!”

“Oh, but I am.” Face smiled, “And to show you how serious I am, I shall order the death of one of your crewmen!”

“Wait, didn't you say you wouldn't?” Lunatic asked.

“Yes, but the thing is, I'M EVIL!!!” Face replied. He pulled out an intercom and said, “Kill one of them.”

—

A guard pulled out a knife. Systema and E350 quickly edged away from Rook while carrying Xem.

“Thanks, guys, I KNEW I could count on you.” Rook said, sarcastically.

The guard pulled him away and began stabbing him with a knife. He yelled out loud as his blood burst out of the punctured organs and torn arteries. When he seemed to be dead, the guard stood up to walk away.

“Why did you do that?” Rook gasped. The guard turned over and continued stabbing him before standing up, “OW! That hurts SO MUCH!” The guard turned over again and stabbed him again, “OW! OW! A little more to the left, THERE! THAT'S IT!” The guard stood up and made to walk away again, “Actually, that last time didn't hurt so much...” the guard sighed before stabbing Rook again and again. He began to walk away, “Yep, I'm sure dead now...crap, I shouldn't have said that.”

The guard sighed before reaching for something else.

“E350! Systema! Rook!” Lunatic said through the intercom, “What's going on?”

“Lunatic, Wildrook is dead.” Systema replied. The guard revved up a chainsaw and began shearing through the screaming Rook, “For sure this time.”

—

Lunatic heard the news and his eyes went open in terror. He made a step back, but fell down just in front of his chair.

“You anti-Author monster, you killed my flunky...” he said in barely more than a whisper before saying, more audibly, “You anti-Author MONSTER! YOU KILLED MY FLUNKY!”

“Yeah, it was pretty freaky.” said a familiar voice.

Lunatic looked over to his right and saw Rook, who seemed to be in perfect condition.

“Rook? You're ALIVE?” Lunatic asked, standing up, “But how?”

“I'm a red shirt.” Rook replied, “Ya kill one and they just come back.”

“Thanks for the news.” GP sighed as he returned to his business.

“There are other hostages, Lunatic.” Face said, “Ones not so easy to regenerate. Do you want them to die as well?”

“Could ya gimme a minute to talk to my crew?” Lunatic asked.

“Certainly.” Face replied, “For whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the dings and vowels against the Wheel of Fortune or to take arms against...”

Dimsano crossed his arms and sighed in irritation as Face began his monologue, "This job better have more pay than originally intended."

“Cartooniac, cut his audio.” Lunatic ordered.

“With pleasure.” Cartooniac said, pushing a button. In mid-monlogue, the Face's dialogue stopped as the screen was put on 'mute'.

“Well, ya heard the dude.” Cooly said, “Get over there. Nice bein' with ya!”

Cartooniac and Ray got on either side of Lunatic and grabbed his arms. The Insane Critic struggled free before shouting, “HEY! We're not doing that!”

“Well, what ARE we doing then?” Ray asked.

“I dunno...” Lunatic murmured, “Prince, know anything about these guys?”

“Well, according to the Duelist's Guide to Enemy Grunts,” GP answered, flipping through the pages of a handbook, “Their grunts are separated into groups of four and are highly specialized.”

“Meaning?” Lunatic asked.

“Well, I guess it means that no one knows how to do anything except their own jobs.” GP said, tossing the handbook over his shoulder.

“So, the four guys who operate the tactical weapons...” Ray said.

“Can only do that.” GP finished.

“And no one else.” Cartooniac said, a devious smile crossing her face.

“Huh.” Lunatic said, turning on the intercom, “Engineering, does the transporter still work?”

“Yeah, but I can only put in rough coordinates and warp down two people at a time.” Dez answered.

“That'll do just fine.” Lunatic said, turning to Strait, “Hey, Strait, wanna shoot something?”

Strait's response was to pull out his pump-action shotgun and say with a bloodthirsty grin on his face, “Ya don't even have to ask...”

“Good, because I've got an idea.” Lunatic said, “But I need a costume. Something...solid.”

“You don't mean...?” Cartooniac asked.

“I do.” Lunatic said, “Strait, meet me in engineering!”

“WAIT!” K-chan exclaimed, holding up a set of high-tech-looking gloves, “I invented these super gloves! They increase your strength by twelve hundred percent! I shall now test them on...Roachie!”

“What does she mean by-” GP's question was cut off as he was sent into a wall with a crash when K-chan tapped him with the gloves.

“Okay, I think I LIKE this new, crazy Alchemist!” Lunatic grinned, taking the gloves from K-chan, “Alright, Strait, come down with me! The rest of you...act like you give a crap about whatever Face is talking about.”

Cartooniac nodded before pushing the 'unmute' button.

“...to sleep, perchance to scream!” The Face continued, “Aye, THERE'S a club!”

In engineering, Dezblade looked to the two warpers.

“Are you guys ready?” he asked.

“Ready.” Lunatic and Strait answered.

“Well, here goes something...” Dez said, pushing the button and causing the two to warp away.