Search for the Plot pt. 11

Chapter 11...

Not far from Titan, the Plot Hole began to expand. Its spirals almost seeming like arms, waving around and ready to embrace the one it was waiting for. And the one it was waiting for was close; very close...

—

Hummingbird 1000...

Lunatic came back to himself, after having drifted off into thought. He had come onto the bridge and was looking out the window of transpara-steel, trying to get his thoughts together. All he could do at this point was watch as the stars rolled by.

“Loon?” asked Dimentio as he stepped in.

“How's Ray?” Lunatic asked without turning over to his fellow critic.

“Upset, like everyone else.” Dimentio answered, “I mean...what's gonna happen to us? To Xem? To Abe? To the rest of us?"

“I don't know.” Lunatic sighed as Dimentio stood next to him, “I thought I did once, but since this Plot Hole's showed up, everything's been changing.”

“What do you mean by 'changing'?” Dimentio asked.

“What if everything's been building up to this?” Lunatic asked, “All the reviews, all the controversies, all this insanity. What if it's been leading up to just one choice? And what if that choice fell to me?”

There was silence between the two of them for awhile.

“Well, I couldn't think of anyone better to make that choice than you.” Dimentio smiled, putting an arm on Lunatic's back.

“No homo.” Lunatic snapped. Dimentio quickly drew his hand back.

—

Engineering room...

Bindi was crouched in the corner of the room. She needed to discuss the current happenings with someone she could trust...or had the IQ to keep up with her. She heard someone approaching and a burst of crimson energy appeared in her hand.

“Relax, it's me.” Came a voice. Shadow-DJ walked into the light, “And if this is because you want to reconsider the plan, I've already set it up with Kurumu...”

“It's not that.” Bindi stated, “Look, somebody shut down the torpedoes during our fight with those two weirdos. The computer said the last people with the backing controls were Steel and Kitty.”

“Why would they do that?” DJ asked.

“I don't know.” Bindi answered, “Maybe things aren't going so well with Marcus? It doesn't matter. I need you to keep an eye on them and watch what they do.”

“Why're you asking ME?” DJ asked.

“Because...you're the only one who would believe me.” Bindi replied.

“Fine, I'll do this as a friend.” DJ said, standing up and walking away.

“Thanks.” Bindi called, “Just be careful.”

“Please, I'm silent as a shadow.” DJ replied, “They won't even know I'm there.”

Immediately afterwards, DJ was pounding on Steel's door.

“HEY, STEEL! KITTY!” he shouted, loudly, “ARE YOU PLANNING ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS OR EVIL IN THERE?!”

When he got no response, he simply shrugged. He turned the doorknob and was amazed to find that it wasn't locked. He opened it and saw Iron and Kitten listening to a familiar voice over the intercom.

“Soon, our VERY suspicious and most DEFINITELY evil plan shall be complete!” The Face's voice proclaimed.

“Well, that's on the nose.” DJ said. This got the attention of the two, who turned to face DJ, “What was that plan you were talking about?”

“Our plan to destroy all the critics aboard the Hummingbird 1000.” Kitten answered.

“Does this mean you're not going to be begging me about what your boyfriend thinks of you?” DJ asked.

“No.” Kitten stated.

“Thank God...” DJ sighed.

“I simply desire to turn you into an underling without free will by exposing you to my fluids.” Iron said, cutting his palm, his blood turning black as a result.

DJ stared at Iron with a suspicious look in his eye before asking, “Steel, are you coming onto me?”

“Kitten, punch him in the face.” Iron simply ordered. Kitten walked over to DJ and quickly obliged.

“Ow.” DJ said, massaging his right cheek.

“Now then...” Iron said as he advanced on DJ with his hand outstretched...

—

The bridge...

The entire group (save Iron, Kitty, and DJ) was gathered just outside a bedroom. Dez and K-chan had announced a new invention that could be vital to the mission, but they didn't want anyone to know about it. Naturally, their response was to try and get a look. Cooly, being the shortest, was try to jump up and try and get a look at what was going on. Lunatic's comm-link began to beep.

“Hello?” he asked.

“Lunatic, it's me, Bindi.” Bindi's voice replied, “Can I talk with you for a second?”

“Can't it wait?” Lunatic asked, “Dez and K-chan are about to unveil their invention.”

“I don't think it's safe to say over an open link.” Bindi explained, “Meet me in Engineering.”

“REALLY?” Lunatic asked, “You want me to go all the way down to Engineering?”

“Just do it.” Bindi said, flatly.

“FINE.” Lunatic growled. He walked across the room and opened a door, showing Bindi was waiting on the other side.

“Now, was THAT so hard?” Bindi asked.

“Cut to the chase, Bindi, why'd you wanna talk?” Lunatic asked.

“I think there’s a saboteur.” Bindi said.

“Bless you.” Lunatic simply said.

“I didn't sneeze, Loon.” Bindi said, rolling her eyes, “I think we've got a traitor on board!”

“Oh, Bindi, that's REALLY far fetched.” Lunatic scoffed.

“I'm serious!” Bindi half-shouted, “Someone's assimilating our crew, one-by-one!”

“No one's assimilating the crew.” Lunatic stated.

“How do you know?” Bindi asked. The two shared a glare before Lunatic caved.

“Alright, fine. I'll play it your way—I'm gonna call three random people to prove to you that nothing's happening.” Lunatic said, pulling out the comm-link and saying, “Tohokari-Steel, Kitten Hachi-chan, and Shadow-DJ. Report to engineering.”

“NOW, we'll see who's crazy.” Lunatic said as the door slid open as footsteps were heard. The Insane Critic turned to face the three newcomers with a nonchalant look as a shocked look crossed Bindi's face, “Alright, have you guys seen anything suspicious?”

“No.” Iron stated.

“No.” Kitten said.

“No.” Said DJ, who now had the same yellow eye, but now had a very twisted, demonic-looking body. His robes barely contained his bulging muscles, he was hunched over so that his hands nearly scraped the ground, and all of his teeth were now razor-sharp.

“Good. Return to your posts.” Lunatic said. The three then left the room. Lunatic looked to Bindi, who was still looking shocked and said, “When are you gonna open your eyes?”

Lunatic walked out of the engine room at that point and walked to the room where Dez and K-chan were working. Xem was lying on a bed, wearing a strange helmet, as the anthropomorphic dragon and crazed alchemist were standing next to a computer.

“So, what's this new invention?” Lunatic asked, pushing through the small crowd to the front.

“Well, to our knowledge, it's a dream amplifier.” Dez reported.

“And what's it do?” Lunatic asked.

“It...amplifies dreams.” Dez explained.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious.” Lunatic muttered.

“HOORAY!” K-chan exclaimed, hugging Dez, “You got promoted, Captain Obvious!”

“Well, to elaborate...” Dez said, prying K-chan off of him, “We can use it to observe the dreams of anyone aboard the ship and we plan to use it on Xem.”

“Uh huh.” Lunatic nodded, “Where'd you get this idea from?”

Before Dez could answer, K-chan exclaimed, “From the voices in our heads!”

Lunatic gave a shocked look before saying, “Oddly enough, I believe that...”

“I also invented THESE!” K-chan exclaimed, pulling up an odd chest-plate, “A battlizer suit! It's like what they use on Power Rangers...only, it's NOT glitter! I shall test it on...ROACHIE!”

“Dear Lord, no!” GP yelled before getting blasted.

K-chan giggled before deactivating the Battlizer and handing the plate to Lunatic, who in turn, passed it to Bindi.

“The thought occurs to me that this may not be entirely safe.” Lunatic said before looking at Sarge Ray, “What do YOU think, bro?”

“District 9 is overrated.” Ray stated.

“I mean about Xem!” Lunatic said.

“He'd probably agree.” Ray shrugged.

“I meant about his TREATMENT!” Lunatic shouted.

“Stop watching District 9.” Ray said.

“WOULD YOU FORGET ABOUT DISTRICT 9?!” Lunatic yelled.

“I'm TRYING to, but...ninety-one percent on RottenTomatoes? REALLY?” Ray asked himself.

“I think that's his way of coping with losing Abe...” Dimentio murmured to Lunatic.

“Fine.” Lunatic growled. He looked over at Systema, who appeared to be eating some tablets, “What do YOU think, Sarge? Is this thing safe?”

“Well, if your American television has taught me anything, it's that there is nothing safer than an experimental treatment that could kill the patient if anything were to go wrong.” Systema replied. He held out some pills before saying, “Want some pain killers? They're what help me survive this idiocy...”

“Oh, sure.” Lunatic shrugged, taking a pill, and popping it into his mouth. He swallowed before saying, “So, who wants to volunteer to go into the guy's mind?”

A few seconds later, Dimentio was being strapped in.

“Why am I the one who has to go in?” Dimentio asked.

“Well, we need sort of a blank slate.” Dez explained, “Someone who has a sort of innocence and, if anything should go wrong, would be able to...”

“You're going in because you’re expendable.” Systema interrupted, “Should you die, none of us shall miss you."

"My girlfriend would!" Dimentio objected.

"Do I look I care?” Systema asked, “Now, are you allergic to shellfish?”

“No.” Dimentio answered.

“Penicillin?” Systema asked.

“No.”

“Peanuts?”

“No.”

“Twelve thousand volts of electricity being pumped into your cerebral cortex?” Systema asked.

“VERY.” Dimentio said, looking terrified.

“Good for you.” Systema said before flipping a switch. Dimentio's mouth opened wide in a silent scream...

He suddenly appeared in a white room filled with doors. He was wearing a pair of headphones, white cargo pants, and a black tank top with a blue streak running down the center and a rather large collar. He was dressed as Neku Sakuraba from The World Ends With You.

“Woah.” He said, pulling the headphones off, “Where am I?”

“You're in Xem's perception.” Dez's voice answered, “Everything and everyone Xem has ever known is represented here.”

“Pain killers?” Systema's voice offered.

“Oh, grazie.” Dez said.

Dimentio looked over the realm he had entered. He saw a door with the sign 'Perception' on it. He touched it and it flung open to show a brick wall and a spotlight in the center.

Immediately, Lunatic appeared in front of him and exclaimed in an exaggerated voice, “Hello! I'm a compilation of high-pitched ranting and Nostalgia Critic knock-offs that go on and on without end! Look! I make a living spewing drivel that's more mindless than the fics I read! Crud! Fudge! Snap! I've got the vocabulary of a fifth-grade Mormon girl! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Real world...

Lunatic was looking at what he saw with absolute shock.

“I don't sound like that!” he shouted before asking the first person behind him, “Do I, Rook?”

“That's Grand Admiral Rook to you. And, to be perfectly honest...” Rook's sugar-coated response was cut off by the fact that he was run over by a pick-up truck.

Xem's world...

Lunatic suddenly vanished, only to be replaced by E350, who spoke in a VERY exaggerated accent, “CRIKEY! I'm a psychotic Nicktoons fan who's obsessed with violence an' anarchy an' I love kissin' the butt o' jolly, ol' England! CHEERIO, GUVNUH! BOB’S YER UNCLE!”

Perceived E350 then began firing a Tommy Gun with a demented laugh.

Real world...

“Hey!” E350 shouted, “My accent is NOT that goofy!”

Xem's world...

E350 vanished and was replaced with Ray, who was carrying a Playboy magazine in one hand and a Shonen Jump in the other, “Hi! I'm obsessed with sex and anime, probably because my mother didn't hug me enough!”

Real world...

“Hey, mom loved me VERY MUCH!” Ray objected.

Xem's world...

Ray was replaced by Steel, who spoke in a booming, demonic voice, “BWAHAHAHA! DO NOT ASK ME TO SHOW COMPASSION, FOR BEINGS FROM MY REALM ARE NOT CAPABLE OF IT!”

Real world...

“He's far more irritating than that.” Iron murmured. Everyone turned to look at him, making the clone sigh, “I mean...I do not sound like THAT. Bwahahaha.”

This seemed to satisfy everyone...except Bindi. She tapped Fixer on the shoulder and made a motioned to the door using her head. The two walked off at that point.

Xem's world...

Leaving that embarrassing bit of surrealism, Dimentio continued his search for Xem's subconscious.

“Dimentio, can ya find it?” Lunatic's voice asked.

Dimentio came to a halt in front of a door and read the sign, “This one says 'super-ego'.”

“That must be how Xem views himself.” Dez's voice said.

"Wait, I thought that it's how he-" Dimentio was cut off by a certain someone.

“Ooh! Sounds delicious!” K-chan's voice exclaimed.

“STOP HOGGING THE PAIN KILLERS!” Dez shouted.

“Num num num num num num num!” K-chan munched.

Dimentio sighed as he opened the door. Must be the Plot Hole at work. He found himself on a beach with a steady beat going on.

“Where's that coming from?” he asked, looking around. He suddenly realized what the tune was...

I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts...
And I'm too sexy for Milan
Too sexy for Milan, New York, and Japan

A door in front of a changing room swung open, revealing Xem. The antro-tiger was wearing a pair of shades, a jacket over his exposed (furry) chest, and a speedo. The mere sight of this made Dimentio scream in absolute terror.

And I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing
I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk

At that point, Xem's super-ego tore off the jacket and began to strut across the beach as he started to spin the jacket in a very awkward and sensual fashion.

“FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD, PUT SOME PANTS ON!” Dimentio yelled, "AND STOP SPINNING THAT JACKET!"

Real world...

“Yeah, that IS kinda disturbing, right Kitty?” Lunatic asked, looking around. He didn't find any sign of Kitty...or two others, “Hey, where'd Kitty, Steel, and DJ go?”

“And what about Bindi and Fixer?” Rook asked...before being crushed by a safe.

—

Engineering...

“So, what's up?” Fixer asked as Bindi led him to a computer.

“I need your help, hold this.” Bindi said, handing Fixer the battlizer, “And you're the only one dumb enough to believe me.”

“Wow, THANKS!” Fixer exclaimed, cheerily, as he sat the battlizer down.

“Would you know any way to access the Internet use of all on this ship?” Bindi asked, “I tried getting in earlier, but it's encrypted.”

“Oh, sure, here ya go.” Fixer said, quickly typing in some keys.

“Thanks.” Bindi said, noticing the computer was connected to Netflix and she noticed what was playing on the Instant Queue, “Kangaroo Jack?”

Fixer quickly exited the program and said, in a shaky voice that deceived no one, “How'd THAT get on there?”