OTD: Things I'll Never Review

(Show me the side streets in your life
Train yards like bone yards, sharpened knives
Sidewalks are unassuming fields
Concrete and cracks won't cut you deals
Won't cut you deals
Won't cut you
Lost teeth like white jewels of some kind
Petty theft for penny crimes
For penny crimes
For penny crimes
And we yell
ahh ahhh ahh ahh like a good ol' fashion nightmare
ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahh
ahh ahhh ahh ahh like a good ol' fashion nightmare
ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahh)

Steel was sitting in his usual position, hands clasped in front of him as he introduced, "Hi, I'm Tohokari-Steel and this is Outta the DVD, where movies face my judgement. People ask me to review a LOT of things...occasionally. And, when someone makes a request, I'm usually happy to review them because some of these movies do deserve to be torn a new one, but there are just movies that, for one reason or another, I don't want to."

"I've heard WORSE reasons to rip off Linkara." Steel shrugged, "So, this is the list of fourteen things I'll never review."

(Theme song: Never is Enough by Barenaked Ladies)

(Movies I Will NEVER Review)

"Some of these aren't movies that people have requested, but ones that I'd prefer not to get into." Steel said, "But, let's dive in."

Number 14...
The Three Caballeros

"This is among the films that hasn't been requested, but one that I'm nipping in the bud." Steel said, "This is a Disney film from the Golden Age and is about starring Donald watching various shorts about other countries, mostly ones in Latin America, like Mexico and Brazil. The reason it's on the list is because...well, I don't think that I could crack that many jokes about it, except for one thing. Near the finale (which absolutely refuses to end), the Mexican rooster appears and sings a pretty good song with Donald and Jose, the Brazilian parrot."

"The reason I won't go into it? Because the word 'gay' is dropped...repeatedly." Steel explained, "Yes, this movie is a relic from a time when the word 'gay' meant something completely different than it does now. And the most jokes I could think of for this movie would be mocking the use of the word by putting it in a modern context or complaining about how long the ending lasts...but, for the heck of it, I'm including this:"

"Gay." Steel said, "Gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay. Gayly gay gayness. Homosexual."

"Three Caballeros: a serious lack of material except for one word." Steel said before adding, "Gay."

Number 13...
Inkheart

"This was one that I PLANNED to review earlier in my episodes, but eventually changed my mind on." Steel said, "I read the original novel by Cornelia Funke and thought that this movie would completely suck, but, much to my surprise...I didn't think it was that bad."

"Yeah, I actually kinda liked it." Steel said, "However, if I see it again, I might make a review of it, probably around January, where I review one of my guilty pleasures at some point. However, I like its deviations from the book and I like the performances, especially Andy Serkis as Capricorn because he's one of those villains who're so over-the-top that they're kinda fun to watch."

"Inkheart—you can have your opinion, but in mine, this movie DOESN'T suck." Steel stated.

Number 12...
The Golden Compass

"You know, I personally have a negative view on Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials series." Steel said, "Some people say that it can be used as a critique on dogmatism, but I don't know. Something about the idea of a book series that says God is the most evil being to ever exist and basically calls people like me evil for NOT thinking that just repulses me. But...apparently, even the FANS of the book series don't like it as well."

"Yeah, I don't want to review this mostly because...well, I don't feel that I'm not the best person to talk about it." Steel said, "I won't review this because I'm not qualified to and I don't want the fans of the series after my blood. Granted, I like Sam Elliot as an actor, but that's not enough to get me to review something."

"Golden Compass—I just don't want to." Steel said. He quickly added, "I DO think the armored polar bear looks pretty cool, though!"

(I MUST ACQUIRE AN ARMORED POLAR BEAR!!!)

Number 11...
Clash of the Titans

"But you already reviewed it." Hillary said, her screen rolling over.

"Not THAT Clash of the Titans." Steel said, holding up a VERY different DVD case, "The ORIGINAL Clash of the Titans!"

"Yes, I saw the remake LONG before seeng the original." Steel explained, "The original feels more like a traditional Greek myth—the gods are a bit on the cruel side, but are still capable of affection. The effects are great, but that's not surprising as they were made by stop-motion master, Ray Harryhausen, who is blessed with an awesome name. This is a film classic and I highly recommend that you check it out...heck, it even made it onto my Top 70."

"Clash of the Titans—good for a more engaging story and a lack of Sam Worthington." Steel concluded.

Number 10...
B-Movies

"Ah, B-Movies." Steel sighed, "The delightfully bad things that make up the world of cinema. But if you want ME to review them, don't hold your breath. Guys, I try and review the theatrical things...half the time, anyway. Though, I think films that I've already reviewed like Van Helsing could be considered a B-Movie with a budget."

"Now, I know what you're thinking—Steel, you devilishly sexy example of masculinity, why did you review Birdemic if you do not want to review B-Movies?" Steel asked, "The answer to that is...well, I saw MANY opportunities for jokes and I'd have hated myself for missing an opportunity like that."

"But, if you guys REALLY want to see someone poke fun at a B-Movie, I suggest simply watch an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000." Steel said.

Number 9...
Highschool Musical

"Okay, YES, I know that I said that I would review this movie, but my opinion has changed since then." Steel said, "There are a number of reasons for this—first of all, procrastination. I kept putting it off until I gave up on ever reviewing it. Second, the one time I got a DVD of it, it turned out that it was in pretty bad condition. Third, I think the movie's bad, but not THAT bad...I'm gonna get lynched for saying that, I just know it."

(static)

"Y'know, I like it." DJ said.

"Arch-nemesis." Steel simply stated.

DJ growled before vanishing.

(static)

"So, yeah." Steel said, "The acting's...meh. Nothing terrible, just not much to say on it. I liked the first song, though I think it lasted too long. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't get an occasional chuckle. But this is a story we've seen a million times—boy meets girl in highschool, they fall in love, but are two different people and have to overcome their differences. Wash, rinse, repeat."

"Highschool Musical—lame, but not completely awful." Steel concluded.

Number 8...
Pokemon: The 1st Movie

"Shortest explanation ever—other people have done it, such as Sovereign64. They did a much better job than I ever could." Steel said before shouting, "NEXT!"

Number 7...
The King's Speech

"This one, oddly enough, HAS been requested." Steel said, "And I don't want to review it because...I really, really like it."

"The story is of the Duke of Wales has a stuttering problem and seeks help from a speaking coach, played by Geoffrey Rush." Steel explained, "I watched it being a little more than skeptical, but I honestly enjoy it. I know about the historical inaccuracies, but there's honestly not much for me to joke about...except this ONE scene, which I shall do right now."

"Bertie speaks with Geoffrey Rush about his stammer and finds out that one way to help him is profanity." Steel said. He put on his Spartan helmet before grabbing a button and pressing it.

(King: Dinner.)

(Mario: TOAST!)

(Luigi: Spaghetti!)

(Link: Octorok!)

(Ganon: DIE!)

(scream)

BOOM!

(Bertie: And...tits.)

"Oh look, you broke the CD-i Censoring Machine!" Steel shouted. He sniffed before adding, in a sad voice, "I loved that thing..."

Number 6...
Porco Rosso and Howl's Moving Castle

"Yeah, TWO Studio Ghibli films ya won't see in Miyazaki Time." Steel said, "Howl's Moving Castle because...well, I really like that movie. Yes, I'm starting to think that, if I see Spirited Away again, it'll lose its spot. But I still think it's a good film."

"Now I know what some of you are thinking: what's Porco Rosso?" Steel continued, "Well, it's the story about a pilot voiced by Michael Keaton, who's been cursed to be an anthropomorphic pig in facist Italy...no, I did not make any of that up. The reason I won't review it? Well, I also kinda liked it. It's got its moments and, in a bizarre twist, really isn't that weird aside from the main character looking like a pig. Hijinks ensue and it just feels like it was done tongue-in-cheek. It seems to know that it's silly and nonsensical, and just makes the movie a fun ride throughout."

"Porco Rosso and Howl's Moving Castle—weird, but not completely out of it." Steel concluded.

Number 5...
Anime OVAs

"No, I'm NOT going to review these." Steel said, "I know it may sound weird coming from me, the guy who reviewed Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie, Spirited Away, and Ponyo, but those had theatrical releases."

"Now, I know what some of you are thinking: what about the Sonic OVA?" Steel asked, "Well, that was mostly a review that Vicky wanted to do during the Steel Is Missing arc."

"The main reason I don't want to review these is because...well, I don't think that I'm qualified to review these." Steel said, "If I DID review these, I'd just feel like I'm intruding on someone else's turf. Now, I HAVE seen some good OVAs. The Samurai X movies were good, as were some of the Naruto movies. But I won't review these unless I do a crossover."

(static)

"FORESHADOWING!" BladeLordQwest shouted.

(static)

"Anime OVAs...I just don't want to." Steel concluded, but quickly added with an enthusiastic voice, "But the recent Full Metal Alchemist and Trigun movies look cool!"

Number 4...
Monty Python & The Holy Grail, The Simpsons Movie, and the MST3K Movie

"Yeah, I know I'm included three movies in one slot, but they're pretty much for the same reason." Steel said, "ONE, I REALLY like all three of these movies. They make me laugh like crazy, heck Monty Python & The Holy Grail is my all-time favorite comedy movie."

"TWO...WHAT JOKES COULD I CRACK?!" Steel shouted, "These movies make fun of THEMSELVES. A prime example of this being the end of the Mystery Science Theater movie, they riff their own credits."

"I'm not going to try and tear these movies a new one because watching them just brings a smile to my face." Steel said. He suddenly heard music, "Oh no! OH NO, NO, NO, NO, N-"

You make me smile like the sun
Fall outta bed
Sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breath
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me-

BANG!

Steel shot his Benelli, ending the song. He panted before putting it away.

"Next." He simply said.

Number 3...
Documentaries

"Documentaries—the re-telling of historical happenings in an oddly enjoyable way...for the most part." Steel said, "And yeah, I won't review these. Why? Here's what the review would be like:"

Steel snapped his fingers and the room was engulfed in a bright light.

When it faded, Steel was wearing thick glasses, a tuxedo, and began speaking in a voice oddly reminiscent of Ben Stein, "And so, on this particular date, some stuff happened. World leaders made decisions and had personal problems involving their psyches and sex lives. Now, wasn't that interesting?"

Another flash of light and Steel was in his regular clothes.

"Yeah, wouldn't be that good, would it?" Steel asked, "I enjoy documentaries. I'm a bit of a history buff. But the only way you can get around this is if it's a historical drama."

"But WAIT, the Internet cried out to me, What about the horrors of a documentary about...JUSTIN BIEBER?!." Steel continued, "And the answer is that I'm aware of it, but the thing is that I never cared about it. Oh, I don't like Justin Bieber, but I have better things to do than needlessly complain about something that I'm CLEARLY not part of the target audience for-"

(Twilight)

"Scrap YOU." Steel simply said.

"So no, I won't review Never Say Never or even March of the Penguins." Steel said.

"Documentaries." Steel said, "I just don't think people should go in expecting a review and get a history lecture."

Number 2...
Any Star Wars movie

"No, I REFUSE to review Star Wars." Steel said, defiantely, "This isn't one I'm gonna turn back on and do either. Why? Well, it's the same question I had for the Number 4 slot: what jokes could I crack? All of the good cracks have been taken! It's a topic that's been done to death!"

"And no, I'm NOT going to review the holiday special." Steel said, "I only got about five seconds past the opening credits before running out of the room. And no, I'm not kidding about that."

"Star Wars—what more can I say about these movies?" Steel asked.

And the Number 1 Movie I Will Never Review is...
Television Specials

"No." Steel simply said, "I'm not gonna review these. I primarily specialize in MOVIES.Yeah, I review movies released to theaters. I review direct-to-DVD SEQUELS. I review TV movies. I review a certain amount of episodes of a TV series. I'll even review fanfics if I feel like it. But I WON'T...EVER...review these!"

"What do I mean by television specials?" Steel asked, "Well, mostly...just that. A special about a television show that lasts longer than a usual episode. I don't review these because A, I don't want to. And B, I just feel like my time would be better spent reviewing other things."

"So, yeah, there's my Top Fourteen..." Steel concluded, but suddenly noticed a purple mist gathering around him, "What in the name of crud?"

The mist gathered into one body to form a large, purple, muscular man.

"TOHOKARI-STEEL!" it proclaimed.

"Okay, who're YOU?" Steel asked.

"I am the Genie of the Internet and the embodiment of critic fanbases!" the Genie answered.

"Wow, my fanbase is stronger than I expected." Steel said.

"I did not say I embodied YOUR fanbase!" the Genie barked.

"Sorry." Steel said, apologetically, "So, what do you want?"

"Steel, your fans are displeased!" the Genie answered, "You have angered them with your blatant denials! If you do not submit to their demands, they will stop reading these blogs!"

"What?" Steel asked, looking taken aback, "But they're MY blogs!"

"If you wish to appease them, you must review...HIGHSCHOOL MUSICAL!"

(DUN-DUN-DUU-)

"Heck, NO!" Steel deadpanned.

"Have it YOUR way!" the Genie proclaimed, "Know that you'll have to review THIS television special!"

The Genie tossed a DVD case at Steel, clunking the critic in the head. Steel sat back up, massaging his forehead as he picked up the DVD.

"WHY am I listening to YOU?" Steel asked.

"WE AWAIT YOUR REVIEW!" The Genie proclaimed before dissipating into purple mist again.

"Why do I do this?" Steel asked before saying, to the audience, "Well, join me next week when I review..." Steel looked at the DVD, seeing the title, "OH, CRAP!" Steel took a deep breath before saying, cheerily, "Oh and next is my hundredth episode!"

(What, am I to wake up suddenly and then
enroll at the local college, earn me a degree
and I could work weekends?
If I've worked real hard
I could mow your back yard

I can go to Europe, travel with my friends
I can blow a thousand deutsche marks
to get drunk in a pub with some Australians
Buy a giant backpack
sew a flag on the back

I think never is enough (yeah never is enough)
I never want to do that stuff
I think never is enough (yeah never is enough)
You never have to do that stuff)

Clips Used:
Good Old Fashion Nightmare by Matt & Kim
Never is Enough by Barenaked Ladies
Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon
Hotel Mario
Link: The Faces of Evil
The King's Speech
Smile by Uncle Kracker

(Bertie: And...tits.)