literature

OTD: The Village pt. 1

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Steel chuckled, reading a book titled The Empire of Lies by Andrew Klavan.

"Media being BIASED." He laughed, "When could THAT ever happen?"

There was a door-bell, "Come in!"

KitsuneAlchemist stepped in with the repaired Black Katana in her hand. As she stepped in, a rather large cannon sprung out of the ceiling and pointed at her.

YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS UNTIL TERMINATION. FEEL FREE TO PRAY TO THE GOD OF YOUR CHOICE.

"Disarm, she's with me." Steel said.

VOICE CODE RECOGNIZED. DISENGAGING...

The cannon went back into the ceiling as Steel stepped over.

"Heya, Kits." He greeted, "Sorry about the guns, I've just been attacked too much..."

"Whatever." KitsuneAlchemist sighed, handing Steel the sword, "Here. I fixed it."

"Thanks, Kits." Steel said, taking the katana and drawing it.

Nothing happened.

"Why can't these things ever be easy?" he asked.

(Show me the side streets in your life
Train yards like bone yards, sharpened knives
Sidewalks are unassuming fields
Concrete and cracks won't cut you deals
Won't cut you deals
Won't cut you
Lost teeth like white jewels of some kind
Petty theft for penny crimes
For penny crimes
For penny crimes
And we yell
ahh ahhh ahh ahh like a good ol' fashion nightmare
ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahh
ahh ahhh ahh ahh like a good ol' fashion nightmare
ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahh)

Steel sat down in his usual place, propping the katana against the wall before saying, "Hi, I'm Tohokari-Steel and this is Outta the DVD, where movies face my judgement. Do you remember my review of The Last Airbender?"

"Of course ya do, it's probably one of my best reviews." He said, "The effects were lame, the actors were lamer, and the storyline moved so fast I'm STILL not sure if I watched it in its entirety. Back then, I really didn't know who M. Night Shyamalan was, though. I just assumed he was just some random jerk of a director from India. Since then, I've done some research and found, surprisingly enough, he directed the iconic horror movie, Sixth Sense, which was nominated for Best Picture. However, at one point, his ego started getting the better of him and his quality slowly started to decline. The thing that sealed his fate being this movie—The Village."

(scenes from movie play)

"Well, this movie certainly has a reputation." Steel said, "Mr. Shyamalan gained a certain amount of infamy for defending this film while it was under critical assault. Were his efforts futile against this? Let's find out! Let's go and visit The Village!"

"Our movie begins with a small gathering at a funeral. Not a good way to start." Steel started, "There, we see a man mourning over the coffin before we cut to the village leader (played by William Hurt) giving a speech before we cut to the people of the village performing chores...riveting."

"Later, William Hurt approaches a small gathering of kids." Steel continued.

(William Hurt: What manner of spectacle has attracted your attention so splendidly? I ought to carry it in my pocket to help me teach.)

"Annnnd he's just as dull as he was in Lost in Space." Steel said, "I'm not gonna get much out of this review, am I?"

(NOT LIKELY.)

"Crap." Steel swore, "Oh and, uh THIS clip..."

(Iron Man: Doth mother know you weareth her drapes?)

"Man, I wish I was watching The Avengers right now..." Steel mumbled.

"Anyway, the thing that grabbed the childrens' attention was a dead animal, which had been skinned and had its head twisted around." Steel said, "The children suggest it was the work of 'Those We Do Not Speak Of'."

(Olivander: We do not speak his name!)

"William Hurt explains that 'Those We Do Not Speak Of' (ugh, that name's annoying to say) do not enter the village due to a truce they made long ago. Later, during a town meeting, a young man named Lucius (played by Joaquin Phoenix) goes there to request permission to leave the village to get some new medicines." Steel continued, "Lucius later goes to a tower...I think. This movie jumps around faster than I do after an over-dose of Coke. Later, we see a skinned fox and the people assume that it's some sort of predator."

(Woman: Most likely, a coyote or a wolf.)

"Because coyotes and wolves are well-known for skinning animals and leaving them almost perfectly in-tact." Steel imitated before asking, "Why are you coming to this conclusion?"

(Woman: Its manner of...of killing and removing the fur, but leaving the flesh torn, may be a sign that this animal suffers from madness.)

"Still, HOW could a coyote or a wolf remove the fur like that?" Steel asked, "It seems a little too clean of a skinning. We cut to William Hurt speaking with his daughter, Kitty, who expresses her desire to marry Lucius. Mr. Hurt seems taken aback, but concedes. We later cut to Lucius, who is working his job as a blacksmith. Kitty confesses her love to him in perhaps the most unconvincing and lackluster way possible—poetic lines while trying to sound enthusiastic...and failing.

(Kitty: It's a gift, love is.)

(Yoda chuckles)

(Kitty: We should be thankful. We should bellow it out with all the breath in our lungs. Thank you! Thank you!)

"And, immediately, we cut to her crying in bed." Steel said, "Making this heart-breaking moment suddenly funny. Thanks, Mr. Shyamalan! You practically gave us THIS!"

(Spongebob: YEAH! (crying immediately afterward))

"Lucius speaks to an elderly man and we see a large, black box of his."

(AVGN: Oh, DON'T you talk about my boxes! I LIKE boxes!)

"Meanwhile, boys are actng like morons near the woods and take off after hearing something. We cut to the next day, where a man named Noah (played by Adrian Brody) is fighting with other boys." Steel continued, "Noah seems to be mentally challenged, as evidenced when he makes a deal with Kitty's blind sister, Ivy (played by Bryce Dallas Howard). The two have a race and wind up with Lucius."

(Ivy: (looks at Lucius) I know why you denied my sister. When I was younger, you used to hold my arm when I walked. Then suddenly, you stopped. One day, I even tripped in your presence and nearly fell. I was faking, of course, but still you did not help me.)

"Well, I DID turn into a bear. Cut me some slack!" Steel shrugged, imitating Joaquin Phoenix.

"Noah finds some bright, red berries and, apparently, that's a taboo in this society." Steel continued, "Lucius takes this as an example to let him go through the woods to get supplies. Later, Lucius seems to have discovered something..."

"They're in the modern day all along." Xem said, in a dull voice.

"What?" Steel asked, "No. Nobody would be THAT stupid to make a concept as ridiculous as that their plot-twist!"

"If it is, ya owe me five bucks." Xem shrugged, walking away.

"Anyway, Lucius goes into the woods, looking like Little Yellow Riding Hood." Steel continued, "There, he spots some red flowers, whoops, I mean 'bad color' flowers! He hears a rustling noise and a growl before walking back out. Later, he meets with Ivy and the two speak. Also, Kitty's apparently recovered from the heartbreak and has found love again...wait, how long's it been again? Never mind."

"Meanwhile, a watchman sees something in a red-I mean, bad color cloak and rings a warning bell." Steel continued, "This sends the people into a panic and they all flee to the cellars. I have to admit that the atmosphere of this scene is VERY well-done as we see one of Those We Do Not Speak Of sulks past. Ivy stays out in the open, despite Kitty's pleas. One of those things approaches, but Lucius gets inside just in time. The next morning, we find the creature left marks of bright, red paint on some doors and the people view this as a warning."

"By the way, if you're wondering about the lack of dialogue in this episode...well, the characters tend to speak in an annoyingly pretentious way." Steel said, "So, yeah, it's kinda like 10,000 B.C. only much, much worse."

"Lucius confesses with a note and shows remorse." Steel continued, "However, he is forgiven by William Hurt."

(William Hurt: Do not fret. You are fearless in a way I have never known.)

"Yes, you simply endangered this village with full knowledge, but hey, ya had a pair. So, don't worry." Steel imitated.

"Some guys leave a pig carcass for the creatures and leave." Steel continued, "Meanwhile, at Kitty's wedding-"

(Professor Farnsworth: Did I miss something or did I stroke off there for a second?)

"Seriously, this timeline is messed up as all crap." Steel said, "From the way the movie introduced it, they could've met last Tuesday! What is up with this timeline?! PLEASE, SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

"Apparently, Ivy's mother died-"

(M. Night Shyamalan: What a-)

"NO! YOU come out later!" Steel snapped, "And she later joins the reception. Watching this scene raises one VERY important question to me—why the HECK should I care?! It's interrupted, however, by some children screaming. The boys had, apparently, seen Those We Do Not Speak Of in the village, leaving more warnings."

"The people walk off into the village (where the monsters apparently are, REMEMBER?) and are rather cautious about it." Steel continued, "There, they left MORE carcasses."

(Woman: Coyotes cannot reach that high.)

"OR skin animals that skillfully." Steel said, pulling out his E-Tool and bringing it down with multiple clangs, "GET! A! FREAK! ING! HINT! YOU! COMPLETE! MORON!"

"Ivy and Lucius speak about the happenings-"

(The Happening)

"I'll review that LATER." Steel growled, "And there's gonna be an inquiry tomorrow on how the border has been breached before talking about a game they played."

(Ivy: When we get married, will you dance with me? I find dancing very agreeable.)

"This causes Lucius to go into a small frenzy about speaking when HE wants to and just now I realize that I don't give a crap about these characters." Steel said, "I don't find any traits I'm supposed to be aware of, good OR bad. They're BLAND! In fact, this MOVIE is bland. I'm this far into the movie and I realize that this movie was sold as a horror film and what I'm getting is Little House in the Valley."

"The two kiss before we cut to the next day, revealing that the livestock had not been touched before the town council spread some gossip and we cut to Noah meeting Lucius." Steel continued.

(Lucius: There are different types of love. (turns over and freezes. Noah slowly pulls a knife out of his stomach))

(Fozzie Bear: I'll get you with my KNIFE (pulls out a carrot)!)

"So, yeah, this is kinda outta left field, but nothing truly unexpected." Steel said, "Noah then stabs him again for good measure."

"Well, this seems like a good time to give my usual cop-out and split it in two." Steel said, "See you next week when things might, repeat MIGHT, get the tiniest bit interesting instead of the dull, bland crap I've had to put up with so far!"

Steel stormed off at that point.

(TO BE CONTINUED...)

Clips Used:
Good Ol' Fashion Nightmare by Matt & Kim
The Village
The Avengers
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Spongebob Squarepants
Critic vs. Nerd
Futurama
Robot Chicken
The Muppet Show

(Kitty: It's a gift, love is.)
Part one of my review of The Village.

It was cut into two parts because, yesterday, we (my family, excluding Ray due to his work schedule) had to go toa campsite in order to hang out with some friends from Virginia Beach.

Y'know, in a segment this short, I got out some jokes that I really thought were funny...here's hoping the next part is just as funny!

The logo is Steel looking unimpressed with Steve wearing a deep, bad color robe behind him.

Also, for the constantly shifting pattern on Steve's mask...let us simply assume that it's like Rorschach's mask and constantly shifts.
© 2012 - 2024 Tohokari-Steel
Comments9
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Wildgun-Edge's avatar
O_o M. Night, WHY?!

Seriously, this is like Alone in the Dark! It can't keep still, it's a poor attempt at horror and it... is... just... so... BORING!!! The film, that is, not the review.

Great work, Steel... can't wait to see what the rest of it is like.