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OTD: The Matrix

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(Show me the side streets in your life
Train yards like bone yards, sharpened knives
Sidewalks are unassuming fields
Concrete and cracks won't cut you deals
Won't cut you deals
Won't cut you
Lost teeth like white jewels of some kind
Petty theft for penny crimes
For penny crimes
For penny crimes
And we yell
ahh ahhh ahh ahh like a good ol' fashion nightmare
ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahh
ahh ahhh ahh ahh like a good ol' fashion nightmare
ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahh)

Steel was sitting in his usual chair, "Hi, I'm Tohokari-Steel and this is Outta the DVD where-IT'S MY TWO-YEAR ANNIVERSARY!"

(TWO-YEAR ANNIVERSARY!)

"Yes, as of today, I've been reviewing movies for over two years." Steel said, "When I started, I didn't think I'd last a month, but here I am now. And we've been through a LOT this year, haven't we? Not one, but TWO reality warps, going insane, Galaxica, and a friend DYING. Yes, this has been a very interesting year."

"Though, honestly, as I look back at my earlier reviews...yeah, I'm not that proud of most of them." Steel confessed, "They're short, cheap, and kinda unoriginal. Back then, I was kinda in the shadow of Doug Walker and Lewis Lovhaug, but I think I've come a long way since then. I'd give you a clipshow of the things that'd happen since then, but...ah, what they heck?"

(Time of Your Life by Green Day)

"This COULD be because I'm not as critical as most people who've reviewed this, but...John Travolta's a RIOT."

"IT WAS ONE OF THE WORST ADAPTATIONS I EVER SAW IN MY LIFE, AND I WATCHED 'The Seeker'!"

"Dear LORD, this song's still going?!"

"The series of a few twenty-year-olds pretending to be teenagers fighting off Japanese stock footage proved to be wildly successful."

"BUT YA KNOW WHAT?! THEIR NEW LAW WON'T MAKE ME GET RID OF PHIL COLLINS! I'LL NEVER HURRY LOVE AND I'LL ALWAYS FEEL IT IN THE AIR TONIGHT! I'LL KILL YA ALL, YA HEAR?! KILL ALL OF-"

"Actually, it's Mr. Hyde draining that girl's life force with...uh...magic?"

"Sonic offers to save him, but his robotic counterpart declines, saying that there can only be one Sonic...ANYONE who makes a Highlander reference will be shot."

"WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF?! AM I JUST A MASOCHIST?! Do I ENJOY feeling pain?! That's GOTTA be the answer! Why else do I do this?!"

"But there's one problem. SAMURAI AIN'T AMERICAN!"

"We move onto the next episode, where-GREAT MORIARTY, THIS PAGE IS TERRIBLE!"

"So our movie begins with a somewhat cool-looking place called the Kingdom of Trolls. Fun fact: I know a few places on the Internet that can be called that."

"Pardon my paranoia, but I've gotten TOO many intrusions from Demon Critic."

"Who would've thought that something based on World War II can be a light-hearted comedy series?"

"WHY IS FIRE NATION INDIAN AND THE WATER TRIBE CAUCASIAN?!"

"I know his character's name is Cal, but I'm calling him Billy Zane for cheap kicks."

"Okay, THAT was entertaining. But I'm still waiting for the rapping dog."

"I mainly stay clear of these because...I'm a bit of a pushover."

"Why? Couldn't ya do the mayhem in the present? Why go back in time? Wouldn't ya create a time paradox? Why're you acting like you came out of Doctor Who?!"

"Expendables—plot-less, but awesome nonetheless."

"AND I'M ONLY FOUR MINUTES IN! I'M DEAD, GUYS! DEAD AS DISCO!"

"In my experience on fanfiction, that phrase usually leads to a yuri moment."

"Yes, this scene just comes and goes without any real reason. However cool it is, I must say that it is absolutely pointless. It does NOTHING for the story and is just there for the audience to get some cheap thrills. On a more positive note, it passes with flying colors in that area."

"Why do you insist on interrupting me at EVERY opportune moment?!"

"Soon, my DVD shall arrive from Netflix. Soon, the pizza shall arrive..."

"By far, my favorite episode is the Noah's Arc episode. Why? Because one of Noah's sons is voiced by OPTIMUS PRIME."

"Glad to hear that, Lucy. I'm also glad to hear you've got an American accent for something that takes place in the United Kingdom."

"Like WHY are the Waterbenders Caucasian in The Last Airbender. No, I'm STILL not over that."

"I can go into rant upon rant on bad movies like 'Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie', 'Batman & Robin', or even (God help me) Napoleon Dynamite! But this...this is so bad that it, literally, leaves me SPEECHLESS. I am at a LOSS for words!"

"Dear lord, who doesn't love this holiday...aside from Jews, Muslims, those who're manically depressed, and ballerina monkeys...but that's beside the point."

"This is my favorite of all of the Christmas-whoops, Xmas specials."

"So, of course, they had to make a crappy follow-up."

"Well, another Christmas has come and gone. And I was expecting something REALLY good this year, but what did I get? A Bowie knife, Spyro: Skylanders, Inheritance by Christopher Paolini WITH an audio book, Heroes of Olympus: The Son of Neptune, The Throne of Fire, X-Men: First Class, Captain America: First Avenger, a cute Darth Vader plushie..." Steel gestured to the items before shouting, "And STILL no Studio Ghibli films?!"

"LOON! Stop obsessing over guns!"

"SEAN CONNERY?! How could you appear in THIS movie, man? You're the king of awesome!"

"Well, great. I'm waiting for an intergalactic terror to come in and kill me and all I have to talk to are a sexually-ambiguous vampire and a dead samurai. No offense, guys."

"WHAT A FATHER! I HAVE NO CLUE WHY THEIR MOTHER WANTED A DIVORCE IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

"Well, it's February, the month of Valentine's Day. If you're a couple, you get to do all sorts of romantic things together. If you're single, you get the options of laying in your bed all day or stalking a girl. Obviously, I have done NEITHER of those..."

"NOOOOO!"

"I also can't help but feel this seems directed to me for some reason..."

"Our comic opens up with the new faux-anime look to it that it's actually kinda painful to look at."

"Wow, way to COMPLETELY ruin the theme the books had going for them."

"Where did HE come from? Did he teleport there? Seriously, HOW did he arrive like that on time?!"

"Must resist 4Kids joke...must resist 4Kids joke..."

"Yes, how DARE people say that terrorists are BAD! How DARE they say that strapping a bomb to your chest and walking into a crowded street to blow them all up because your twisted views on your religion encourages it!"

"YEEEEEES! The music, the animation, the emotion, the heart, the atmosphere, the angles! Everything in this scene is wonderful! EVERYTHING IS FLAWLESS! YES, I HAVE A HEART! MOVIE CRITICS AREN'T ALL HEARTLESS MONSTERS! EVERYONE LOVES THIS MOMENT!"

"Hey, try staying in a biologically-engineered dinosaur fortress for two weeks! It's NOT easy!"

"My expectations for this have been suddenly lowered for some reason."

"I told her I was kidnapped by Cuban terrorists. She only had trouble believing that they were terrorists."

(clip show ends)

"Yeah, good times." Steel sighed, "Anyway, since my birthday came and went and my anniversary specials include goofy, sci-fi movies, I thought that I'd give MYSELF something this year and review my all-time favorite movie, The Matrix!"

(scenes from movie play)

"Yes, I've played this movie up a lot." Steel said, "It's been said that no one can be told what The Matrix is, they can only be shown...but I'm gonna do my best anyway! Let's download my favorite movie and see just how easy it is to make fun of."

"Our movie opens with a phone call before we snap to Trinity (played by Carrie-Ann Moss) being surrounded by police officers." Steel said, "Outside, the leuitenant is met with three agents, led by Agent Smith (played by Hugo Weaving)."

(Agent Smith: Leuitenant! You were given direct orders.)

(Leuitenant: I'm just doin' my job. You give me that "juris-my-)

(King: Dinner.)

(Leuitenant: -tion" crap, you can cram it up your-)

(Luigi: Spaghetti!)

(Agent Smith: The orders were for your protection.)

(Leuitenant: (laughs) I think we can handle one little girl. (Agents march towards building) I sent two units! They're bringin' her down now!)

(Agent Smith: No, leuitenant. Your men are already dead.)

"And as shown by Trinity kicking the policemen over the place and pulling off the iconing Matric Jump Kick." Steel continued, "She contacts a man named Morpheus and tries running the instant she hears that three Agents are coming. Only the Agents pursue her as she makes an astionishingly huge jump. She crashes into a building and makes it to a phone booth, but a dump truck suddenly charges at her. She escapes just in the nick of time, though."

"We go into a phone and come out to see Neo, played by...ugh, Keanu Reeves." Steel groaned, "Will Smith turned down the role to be in The Wild, Wild West...and later said that it was one of the worst decisions of his career. Back on track, Neo gets some weird messages, concluding in telling him to 'Follow the White Rabbit'. It turns out that Neo's a software designer who moonlights as a hacker and he goes on a night of clubbing at the insistence of a friend and the fact that he sees that the friend's lover has a white rabbit tattooed onto her shoulder."

(Rave scene)

"The only rave in all the trilogy where the rave scene has a point to it...sort of." Steel muttered, taking off his glasses to massage the bridge of his nose.

"Here, Neo meets up with Trinity." Steel said.

(Neo: Trinity? THE Trinity? That cracked the IRS base?)

(Trinity: That was a long time ago.)

(Neo: I just thought...you were a guy.)

(Trinity: Most guys do.)

"Zing." Steel said.

"Trinity warns Neo that 'they're' watching him and says that she knows why he's here and why he does what he does." Steel said.

"That sounds...creepy." Steel stated.

"Anyway, Neo somehow wakes up when the music turns into an alarm clock." Steel said.

(Neo slams hand on alarm clock, stopping it.)

(Neo: (getting out of bed, muttering profanities))

"Yeah, I think my alarm clock's annoying, too." Steel said, "XEM, I DIDN'T WANT A CLOCK THAT HAD SONGS BY SKILLET AS A RING!"

"Oh, but the vengeance was just too much to ask for." Xem replied with a smirk.

"Anyway, Neo gets chewed-out by his boss before getting a call from a man named Morpheus." Steel continued, "He tells Neo to get out of his cubicle and into another room because the agents from earlier have come for him, where he should climb onto a scaffold...and Neo's in a building at least ten stories high."

(Neo: No way! NO WAY! This is CRAZY!)

(Mike Nelson: No, the other two movies are crazy. This one's actually kinda reasonable.)

"Neo has the option of climbing out or get arrested by the agents...he opts for arrest." Steel continued, "Agent Smith has him in a holding cell."

(Agent Smith: (after looking through some files) It seems as if you've been living TWO lives. In one life, you're Mr. Thomas Anderson, an employee at a respectable software company. You do your taxes and...(leans in close) help your landlady take our her garbage.)

"As we as..." Steel said, leaning in close, "Brush your teeth..."

(Agent Smith: But your OTHER life is in computers, where you go by the hacker alias, Neo.)

"Seriously, you came up with THAT name?" Steel asked, imitating Agent Smith, "I mean, seriously, that's ALMOST as stupid as Tohokari-Steel!"

"Agent Smith offers to erase Neo's hacker record in exchange for information as to the location of Morpheus, who's..."

(Agent Smith: Quite possibly the most dangerous man alive.)

"Well, him and Joe the Plumber." Steel shrugged.

(CONTROVERSY ALARM!)

"Oh, so you show up when I mock EITHER side?" Steel asked.

(PRETTY MUCH...)

(Neo: Tell you what...how about I give you the finger...(flips bird, which is censored by Luigi))

(Luigi: That's MAMA Luigi to you!)

(Neo: And you give me my phonecall.)

"So, in an oddly terrifying scene, Neo's mouth is sealed, gets restrained, and Agent Smith puts some sort of probe-thing into his navel." Steel continued, "He wakes up and gets another call from Morpheus."

(Morpheus: This line is tapped, so I'll be brief.)

"Your entire career is a mistake." Steel imitated, "People only tolerate you because they find it amusing that someone who acts like he suffered brain-damage has a career!"

"Neo goes to a curb in the middle of the rain and gets picked up by Trinity and two others named Apoc and Switch." Steel continued, "They pull that probe out of his body...holy smokes, that sounds dirty. They then take him to a house that looks like it's from Resident Evil and he meets Morpheus (played by Laurence Fishburne). Morpheus offers him a choice between two pills."

(Morpheus: (opens palm) If you take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed, and believe whatever you want to believe. If you take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.)

"Hopefully, it has nothing to do with Tim Burton." Steel imitated. He scoffed, "Why'd he think that Alice should look like Joan of Arc?"

"Neo takes the red pill and things start getting weird...which is saying a lot." Steel said, "He gets reflective glass over him, making him look like the T-1000. He then wakes up in something like a giant womb and sees a dark sky over miles of huge spires with similar pods. He's ejected by a machine and sent into the sewer."

(A ship flies over Neo and a claw springs out.)

"Crap, I wound up with a bald, naked Keanu Reeves." Steel murmured, "A quarter just got WASTED."

"Anyway, Neo spends the next few minutes having his muscles rebuilt and resting." Steel continued, "He wakes up and meets with Morpheus and his crew—Trinity, Apoc, Switch, Cypher, Mouse, Tank, and Dozer. Morpheus then gives Neo the exposition as to what's going on: humanity and machines went to war a long time ago and the humans somehow scorched the sky, hoping to destroy the robots due to their reliance on solar power."

"DANG HIPPIES!" Steel shouted, shaking his fist, "THIS is what happens when solar energy takes over! YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME!"

"However, it seems that the robots found another way—using humans as a power source." Steel continued.

(Morpheus: Heh. Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.)

(Bender: (singing) The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention! Now THAT is irony!)

(Morpheus: (turns off a TV) What is the Matrix? Control. A way to keep you pacified in order to change a human being...(holds up battery) into THIS.)

"Neo passes out from shock and wakes up to see Morpheus waiting for him...so many jokes available, but I'm going with this one." Steel said, pulling out a card and clearing his throat, "You are now wondering what Morpheus did to you while you were unconscious...have fun with that."

"Steel, ya stole that from Team Fourstar." Xem stated.

"Hey, considering MY track-record, that shouldn't be surprising." Steel replied, tossing the card over his shoulder.

"Morpheus explains to Neo that he's possibly The One, a reincarnation of a man born inside the Matrix and could change it as he sees fit. Put simply, Buddha mixed with Jesus and Steve Jobs." Steel continued, "A while later, we're introduced to Tank, who's apparently a child of Zion, the last all-human settlement on the planet."

Steel gave a calm expression as he asked, "What? Ya expect a crack at Israel? Well, I ain't gonna make any because I can't come up with any TASTEFUL jokes...which is why I'm asking YOU! Yes, I'm offering you a chance to give me a joke if you call 1800-TOHOKARI...because there wasn't enough room for Steel. Call now and receive a free T-shirt...and it's not my Kool-Aid shirt! For the simple call fee of $19.95, I can crack a joke at one of America's greatest allies and one of the ONLY good countries in the Middle East and not lose a wink of sleep over it! Calls will be accepted until four seconds after reading this!"

"Tank takes Neo in for some combat training for future missions." Steel continued, "Morpheus walks in and finds that Neo's absorbing information like a computer."

(Neo: (jerks as he looks up) I know kung fu!)

(Everybody was Kung Fu fighting!
Those cats were movin' fast as lightning!
In fact it was a little bit frightning!
But they fought with expert timing!)

"And that kinda sums it up." Steel said, "Neo and Morpheus go into a training program and have a pretty cool fight scene, Morpheus telling Neo to believe in himself. He then loads a jump program to teach Neo to forget about his limitations and to basically jump tall buildings with a single bound."

(Neo jumps and falls.)

(Goofy scream.)

"Well that failed." Steel shrugged.

(FAIL)

"So, we go about the day-to-day life of Trinity bringing Neo food and Neo eating what looks like cold oatmeal, which reportedly has some nutritional value to it." Steel said, "Oh and earlier, Neo and Morpheus went on a walk through the virtual city so Morpheus could inform Neo about the Agents—programs created by the Matrix to kill people like them. They're also extremely strong and lightning fast."

"Neo later goes off to Cypher and they exchange some dialogue." Steel continued, "In a flash forward, Cypher is selling out the group to the Agents...hey, wait a gosh dang minute! We CLEARLY see that only Tank and his big brother Dozer can operate the 'put your mind in the computer' things and they seem to know WHAT the people are doing! HOW could this bozo POSSIBLY have gotten in there without ANYONE noticing?!"

"That aside, Morpheus decides that it's time for Neo to see the Oracle and the entire band goes into the Matrix." Steel continued, "Cypher turns on his phone and leaves it behind because...he's a turn-coat. Neo and Morpheus walk in to the Oracle's house to find other candidates for being The One, who are mostly children who appear to have psychic capabilities. Neo meets with the Oracle, who's an elderly black lady."

"And now, I would like to take this time to acknowledge a MAJOR mistake I made in my review of Matrix Revolutions." Steel said, "Gloria Foster, the woman who played The Oracle in this movie and Matrix Reloaded died between the second and third movie, so the makers had to get a replacement. I didn't know that and I personally apologize for that."

"Anyways, the Oracle tells Neo that he's NOT The One and that, at some point, Morpheus' life will be in Neo's hand and, in that situation, either Morpheus will die or HE will." Steel continued, "Huh, sounds like those Vietnamese fortune cookies I got a while back."

"Neo and Morpheus go back to the home building, but there's a glitch in the system, which happens whenever they change something. In this case, sealing the building in as a SWAT team storms it." Steel continued, "Mouse gets caught and killed because, if your mind dies, the body dies as well."

(Morpheus: The body can't live without the mind.)

"If he says so." Steel shrugged.

"They try to escape through the walls, but they're soon found out." Steel continued, "Agent Smith takes over the officer that found them (that's the best way I can describe it) and he fights Morpheus in, once again, a cool fight scene. However, Morpheus is captured and everyone makes it out. Cypher gets out first, but hits Tank and Dozer with an electric gun. When the others arrive, he tells Trinity that he loves her and openly admits to betraying them. He then disconnects the machinery keeping Switch and Apoc in the Matrix, killing them. He wants to kill Neo, but is stopped by Tank, who survived."

(Cypher: No! I don't believe it!)

(Tank: Whether you believe it or not, you piece of-)

(Gwonam: Squadala!)

(Tank: You're still gonna burn!)

(Tank fires electric gun at Cypher before spitting at him.)

(THIS...WAS...COSMIC...)

"Tank lets Trinity and Neo out of the Matrix and we see that Agent Smith is trying to break Morpheus' mind in order to get the access codes to Zion's mainframe." Steel continued, "Tank says that they should basically pull the plug on him, but Neo stops it and wants to go in to save Morpheus, Trinity following him."

(Tank: Anything you need, aside from a miracle?)

(Neo: We're going to need guns...LOTS of guns...)

(Entire stocks of guns appear.)

(Agent J: Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout...)


"Neo and Trinity go into the building where Morpheus is being held and we have the iconic lobby scene." Steel continued, "This is probably my second favorite action sequence in the movie—it has a good, energized feel to it that's always vital to action movies, I like how it starts out..."

(Neo steps through metal detector, setting it off.)

(Security guard: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to remove all keys...)

(Neo shifts his coat to show that he's armed to the teeth.)

"And I like the acrobatics behind it." Steel concluded, "The fight leads to the roof-top, where they confront an Agent. There's another iconic scene—Neo leaning under the bullets. Trinity apparently kills the Agent before the two hijack a helicopter and rescue Morpheus."

"Best rescue EVER." Steel stated, "Well...next to that Steel is Missing Arc, but then again, I'm an egotistical jerk."

"So, Neo discovers that he truly does have powers like The One and that the Oracle only told him what he needed to hear at the time." Steel continued, "The group then heads towards the subway, where an access point is available. Neo lets Morpheus and Trinity return home first, but is interrupted in returning by Agent Smith, who appears and begins to fight him. Neo quickly retreats with Smith and the other agents in hot pursuit."

"Neo arrived at an apartment complex and meets Agent Smith, who quickly guns him down." Steel continued, "Trinity confesses her love to Neo and kisses him, which somehow revives him. Neo is back in the game and Agent Smith's blows seem a lot slower. Yes, Neo has accepted that he is The One, destined to save humanity. He quickly disposes of Agent Smith and the other agents leave."

"Oh and, during all this, robotic sentries are approaching." Steel added, "The only way to stop them is an EMP generator, which would knock out all electronic devices within the area. They only activate it once Neo has returned and, by then, the sentries have torn the ship open and are ready to rip the humans to pieces."

"Neo makes a call to the Matrix and leaves a message saying that humanity will always rebel against it because he'll show them a world without rules." Steel said, "And so our movie ends with Neo flying into the sky."

"This movie is...still my all-time favorite." Steel said, "I know that it's FAR from being a masterpiece, but part of me just loves it. I think it's because that I enjoy it whether I'm watching it just to experience it or to make fun of it. The effects are surprisingly good for its time, the story's interesting, Laurence Fishburne and Hugo Weaving give good performances, and the action sequences are awesome...but there's that MAJOR plot hole and Keanu Reeves is, well, Keanu Reeves. However, I ultimately recommend this movie as it does a better job explaining itself than I can."

"I'm Tohokari-Steel, this was Outta the DVD, and I hope for another awesome year like this one." Steel concluded, switching off the screen.

(A shadow of myself, just who am I?
Scan horizons
A tragic mystery
You could have left me here, sealed inside the pod
No one would ever know - The Chaos Control
My true identity
The power that is me
We all danced in fire
Trapped in this machine
Don't know how long we've waited
As the Eggman's watching
We all danced in fire
Looking thru the screen
Don't know how long we've waited
As the Eggman watches)

Pros:
-Surprisingly good effects
-An interesting story
-Good performances from Laurence Fishburne and Hugo Weaving
-Great action sequences

Cons:
-Keanu Reeves' performance
-A major plot-hole

Final Score:
9.5/10

Clips Used:
Good Ol' Fashion Nightmare by Matt & Kim
The Matrix
Zelda: Wand of Gamelon
Hotel Mario
RiffTrax: The Matrix
Super Mario World 3
Futurama
Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas
Disney
Link: The Faces of Evil
Men In Black
This Machine by Julien K

(Neo: I know kung fu!)
My review of The Matrix.

I'm not proud of this review as my two-year anniversary. Why? Because I had to rush through it in order to get it out. I spent Tuesday and Thursday helping some friends prepare to move and spent much of Wednesday just lazing around.

But, that's neither here nor there.

The logo turned out pretty well in my opinion: me with Morpheus' sunglasses and wearing those cool leather jackets from the movie with a binary code.

Next week's review: The Things I'll Never Review (I, once again, steal from Linkara and list off the various things that I won't review if I can help it.)

So, did I make any screw-ups? Did I miss a chance for a joke? Or do any of you simply have a different opinion on the movie? If so, comment and let me know.
© 2012 - 2024 Tohokari-Steel
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Cartooniac55's avatar
I still haven't seen this movie (yet), so I don't know whether or not that makes this funnier: www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfyUYk…