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OTD: Spider-Man

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(A man with a thin mustache and messy, black hair walked over to his closet. He pulled out a Kingdom Hearts T-shirt and slipped it on over a gray longsleeve shirt. He grinned as he put on some glasses.
OUTTA THE DVD!
A serious face, an elegant face, you show many faces
The man walked through the hallway, looking smug.
TOHOKARI-STEEL
It's easy saying that, but as why,
Steel passed a katana with a black sheath. The spirit of a Japanese man in Samurai armor leaned against the wall with a relaxed look.
BLACK SHOGUN
you don't know it, do you?
Steel waved at an anthropomorphic skunk, who was practicing martial arts. She smiled sweetly at that.
BINDITHESKUNK
Steel entered a game room, where an alien tiger wearing a red Hawaiian shirt and jeans was playing a video game. Steel slapped him across the head as he walked back.
XEMNAS1992
Everyone has things to hide?
Steel froze as he saw a white cat-like creature with small, pink eyes and a smile on its face. Steel screamed before running away.
KYUBEY
As Steel ran by, a vampire wearing a fedora and a tuxedo smirked and shrugged.
TONY THE VAMPIRE
Maybe this, maybe that, I cannot say it right now, but...
Steel came to a halt as he saw a short, muscular creature with a white mask looking over a bag of loot.
STEVE THE HOLLOW
You pretend being cheerful in front of people
Steel sighed as he walked around Steve. He walked past someone in a red chair. The person lowered a magazine to show that he had gray skin, sharp teeth, spiky black hair, and was wearing a pink bathrobe.
JERRY THE SHINIGAMI
But actually you never say die
Steel entered into a large room, where a gray hedgehog with a sideways red cap, a green vest, loose jeans, and a pair of visor sunglasses was working on a chain gun. He looked up, grinned, and gave the thumbs' up.
COOLY MCAWESOME
Be the way you are, even if takes a hundred years
Next to Cooly was a large, bearded man clad in a tux, wearing a pair of sunglasses, and had a red Santa hat on his head. He smiled as he held up a shot glass.
SANTA BOND
If you love someone, shout it out!
Steel smiled as he went to a large shelf of DVDs.
Ready Go! Fly away! Be the way you are
He picked one out and put it in a PS3 as the rest of his team crowded around to watch the show. Steel glared at them, probably from the lack of space, and pressed 'play'.
If you want to cry, cry with all your strength
He sighed before giving a lazy smile as the movie began.
I am with you
Written by Tohokari-Steel
Theme Song: Ready, GO! by May’n)

Steel was back in his laundry room, eating peanuts as he looked at a television with a phone next to him. The phone began ringing only for his answering machine to get it.

Believe it or not,
I am not at home!
Please leave a message at the beep!
I must be out or I’ll pick up the phone,
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I’m not home.


“Steel, it’s Xem. Pick up the phone.” Xem’s voice said.

Steel picked up the phone and said, “Death row, next in line speaking.”

“Steel, are you in the laundry room again?” Xem asked.

“The fact that someone keeps tossing towels on my head is confirmation of that.” Steel said as one landed on his head.

“Did you swipe my peanuts?” Xem asked. Steel belched after he took the towel off his head, “That’s a yes. And I thought you were gonna change your answering machine.”

“Eh, I’ll do it tomorrow.” Steel shrugged.

“That’s what you said LAST time.” Xem pointed out.

“And, most likely, it’ll be my excuse NEXT time.” Steel shrugged.

There was a long silence before Xem asked, “Spider-Man?”

“How could you tell?” Steel asked.

(scenes play)

“Yeah, if you people have been following me, you’d know my thoughts on the reboot, Amazing Spider-Man.” Steel said, “There were parts of it that I REALLY liked. Like Martin Sheen as Uncle Ben, Spider-Man using his webbings to track Lizard, and most scenes involving Curt Connors, particularly THIS.”

(Dr. Connors standing in front of a mirror, making it look like he has two arms.)

“This was cinematic gold.” Steel said, “There’s no dialogue during this, but the emotion is perfectly clear and perfectly captures the essence of his character.”

“But, on the whole, I found it disappointing. I felt that the movie had no idea who Peter Parker should be, was too busy trying to be every other movie that it didn’t bother making an identity for ITSELF, Denis Leary as George Stacy (STILL can’t believe that), THIS line...”

(Teacher: You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.)

(Peter: But those are the best kind.)

“And the fact that there was this distracting voice in my head, screaming through a megaphone, repeatedly,” Steel then proceeded to shout at the top of his lungs, “BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!!!”

“So...disappointing with a few gems here and there.” Steel said, “And, if you think THAT’S too harsh, DON’T ask Sarge Ray for HIS opinion...”

(During the first viewing...)

“BETRAYAL!” Ray shouted, sitting next to Steel as the two watched the movie, “BE-TRAYAL! BETRAYED ME! BETRAYAL! BE-TRAYAL! SCRAP YOU, MARK WEBB! YOU KILLED MY SPIDER-MAN! SCRAP YOU! BETRAYAL! BE-TRAYAL! BETRAYED ME! BETRAYAL! BE-TRAYAL! BETRAYED ME! THIS MOVIE SUUUUUUUUUCKS!!!”

“GET OUTTA HERE!” Steel shouted, scaring his brother off.

(present time...)

“He was underwhelmed.” Steel shrugged.

“Well, maybe it was the fact that I still held an emotional attachment to the Raimi movies.” Steel said, “It COULD be nostalgia, but the original trilogy has a special place in my heart. This was the first time I saw a superhero in a live-action role and maybe it puts nostalgia value into the fray.”

“Either way, let’s web up and swing right into Spider-Man!” Steel nodded.

“Our movie opens up with a narration from Peter Parker, played by Tobey Maguire.” Steel said.

(Peter: (narrating) Who am I? Are you sure you wanna know? The story of my life is not for the feint of heart.)

(Khan: My name...is KHAN.)

(Peter: If somebody told you that I was just your average guy, not a care in the world...somebody lied.)

“I was just your average guy with a FEW cares in the world.” Steel imitated.

“So, we see Peter Parker in person as we see he’s a klutz with no friends. Why do I prefer THIS Peter Parker over Andrew Garfield’s version?” Steel asked, “Well, mostly because Tobey’s version doesn’t make him sound like Shia LeBouff with Tourette’s Syndrome. Compare pictures, if you must. WHO looks like the socially awkward nerd? THIS guy or the Social Network rival with Ed Cullen hair?!”

“But, I digress.” Steel said, “Peter’s going to an institute for a high school field trip, where he meets up with his friend, Harry Osborn, played by James Franco (who would be victimized in a later Raimi film, Oz the Great and Powerful). Accompanying him is his father, Norman Osborn, played by Willem Dafoe...”

(Echo: Dafoe...)

“There, we see Peter’s crush, Mary Jane Watson (played by Kirsten Dunst).” Steel said, “Okay, if I don’t address this, someone else WILL, Gwen Stacy was first onto the scene in the Spider-Man series. I am aware of this and have been for a while now. Granted, I didn’t know that when I saw the first two Spider-Man movies, but I found out LONG before Spider-Man 3.”

“Anyway, the tour’s going along and they discover that the scientists there are working on genetically-altered super spiders.” Steel said, “Why? I dunno. Boredom, maybe. But, hey, at least it doesn’t involve Peter walking into a room filled with spiders and being shocked when they attack him.” Steel cleared his throat, “Harry puts the moves on Mary Jane and, taking photos of her, Peter gets bitten by a spider that got away...and, somehow, enfuses Peter’s genes with spider DNA.”

“Okay, the comic books could get away with this because they ORIGINALLY said that it was a radioactive spider...and, during the Silver Age, radiation pretty much did whatever the writers wanted. But in modern times, that excuse wouldn’t fly.” Steel said, “My main question is THIS...and, I’m the guy who can swallow a flying man, people going into a computer to fight a machine empire, and there being a school for wizards. Just remember that. HOW THE HECK DOES THAT WORK?!”

“YEAH, it’s a super spider, but it’s not really explained just HOW it mixed its DNA with Peter’s.” Steel said, “There’s suspension of disbelief...and then there’s explaining NOTHING. We’re just handed this and expected to believe it! Give the original story credit, at least being radioactive gave them SOME excuse!”

Steel sighed before saying, “Back in the film, we find Uncle Ben (played by Cliff Robertson) and Aunt May (played by Rosemary Harris). My comparison between this casting and the one from Amazing? Well, I think Martin Sheen was actually the better Ben, but Rosemary was the better May. Sorry, I just can’t buy Sally Field as that character!”

“Anyway, Peter passes out because he’s feeling sick...and NOT twitching like a crack-head, you notice.” Steel said, “He then seems to have the worst fever dream I’ve seen as his DNA begins changing. We then cut to Oscorp labs (yeah, there’s a subplot about Norman losing a major military contract), where Norm’s testing a project on himself. The results look promising.”

(Norman’s eyes spring open as he grabs his partner by the neck.)

(Norman: Back to formula?)

(Tosses his partner out the containment chamber.)

“Peter then wakes up and finds that things stick to him and he suddenly becomes ripped.” Steel continued, “He then heads to school, where...THIS happens.”

(Peter notices that a spoon is stuck to his hand.)

“Huh, didn’t expect THIS.” Steel said, nonchalantly.

(Peter sees a web coming out of his wrist, attaching the spoon to his hand. He made a motion and grabbed another tray, flinging it back and hitting another person.)

(Narrator: Seriously, nobody thought that was odd?)

“Still more subtle than THIS.” Steel said.

(Peter slam-dunking, shattering the glass of a basketball hoop.)

“So, he winds up in a scrap with the guy and, long story short, beats him senseless.” Steel said, “He then begins getting ideas about capitalizing and starts designing outfits and practicing with his powers...honestly, his attempts at making his webbing come out are kinda funny. And, as I said in the Amazing Spider-Man review, I prefer the organic webs over web-shooters. Why? Because, honestly, I felt that the web-shooters only ran out of juice when the plot required it to. Every time he ran out in Spectacular Spider-Man, I just felt like it was going...”

(Krusty: WHOOP! *laughs*)

“Meanwhile, Norman wakes up in his room and doesn’t have any memories at all. Guess some people just can’t handle Vegas.” Steel continued, “Back with Peter, he decides to go into a wrestling ring to do some prize-fighting. Uncle Ben takes him down to the library because Peter said he was going there.” Steel continued, “When they arrive, Ben gives him a speech concluding with the often-repeated phrase of the show...”

(Uncle Ben: With great power comes great responsibility.)

“If you missed it, don’t worry.” Steel said, “He only says it about ten ZILLION TIMES MORE. Honestly, though, his delivery on this part was pretty dang good. It was soft, but serious and it’s clear he’s trying to help Peter at this point. Unfortunately, Peter promptly throws it in his face. Well, given the source material, I’m sure this will not come back to him in a negative way AT ALL.”

“Well, Peter goes to fight against a local champion, Bonesaw McGraw (played by the late Randy Savage).” Steel continued, “Bringing us THIS little Internet meme...”

(Bonesaw: BONESAW IS READY!)

“Going by the Human Spider, Peter is met by the ring’s announcer, Bruce Campbell.” Steel said, “Does this cameo have a point? No, but he still gets SOME memorable lines.”

(Bruce Campbell: (low voice to Peter) Human Spider? That’s the best you’ve got?)

(Peter: Yeah.)

(Bruce: That sucks. (goes out and announces in a loud voice) Ladies and gentlemen, introducing...THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN!)

“So, using his new name, he fights and beats Macho Man.” Steel continued, “However, he’s only given a fraction of the promised winning. Peter leaves angry and the guy gets robbed. Peter lets the guy escape.”

(Owner: You coulda stopped him!)

(Peter: I missed the part where that was MY problem. *turns away with a smirk*)

“And...honestly, I prefer THIS to his refusal to act in Amazing Spider-Man.” Steel said, “Whereas in that movie, Peter let the robber escape because of NOT BEING ABLE TO AFFORD SOME MILK. In this, it was personal, not getting the money he was planning to.”

“We then cut to a few hours later, where Peter finds that his uncle’s been shot.” Steel continued, “And I prefer it when the shooting takes a while after Peter’s made the choice. It shows that anything we do has consequences...even if they don’t happen instantly.”

At that point, the phone began to ring and the machine caught it.

Believe it or not,
I am not at home!
Please leave a message at the beep!
I must be out or I’ll pick up the phone,
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I’m not home.


“Steel, we know you’re listening. Just pick up.” DJ’s voice said.

“Yeah,” Steel asked, answering, “What’s up, Arch-Nemesis?”

DJ sighed in irritation before saying, “Look, at least Andrew Garfield could EMOTE. Here, Tobey Maguire’s emotions just boil down to ‘murmuring’.”

“At least HIS response to his uncle’s death isn’t to do the laugh-cry from Moulin Rouge.” Steel stated, “And, honestly...I could believe his defensiveness for the ‘guilty last-conversation’ moment. He feels like his uncle’s intruding into his personal life and he’s bringing up defenses, trying to score some points. He does so and it does show. However, in Amazing, it just felt like he was turning a scolding into a ‘pity me’ situation. Sorry, that’s just how it seemed.”

“Steel, you’re missing the-”

Steel hung up at that point.

“So, Peter goes to find the shooter and corners him in an old warehouse.” Steel continued, “Personally, I would’ve just waited him out. Sooner or later, the MegaZord or some giant monster would’ve crushed it AND him, but hey, different strokes for different folks. He goes in, disarms the shooter, and holds him into the light, only to find that it was the same guy he let get away earlier!”

DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUN!!!

“But wait!” Steel shouted.

(record scratch)

“It ACTUALLY turns out that it was Flint Marko who killed him...except not exactly, it was kinda an accident thing caused by the supposed shooter, who was actually his partner and-y’know what? SCRAP IT! That bit from Spider-Man 3 was stupid and everybody knows it.” Steel deadpanned.

“So, Peter kills the guy by accidentally dropping him out a window and he returns home and gives Aunt May the bad news and we cut to Uncle Ben’s funeral.” Steel said, “And might as well get this out of the way. Peter doesn’t stop moping about Uncle Ben. Y’know the drill: whining, the Simple Plan number...”

How could this happen to me?
I’ve made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away.


“And everything else to mock pointless wangst moments.” Steel said, “MOVING ON.”

“Elsewhere, a rival of Oscorp’s is testing a flight suit with the general who’s planning to cut Oscorp’s funding observing.” Steel said, “They’re suddenly attacked by someone on a glider who kills everyone there.”

“We then cut to graduation, where Peter sees MJ breaking up with her boyfriend, the guy who tried beating up Peter earlier.” Steel continued.

Believe it or not,
I am not at home!
Please leave a message at the beep!
I must be out or I’ll pick up the phone,
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I’m not home.


“Steel, it’s Dawn. Answer or I’m not reviewing your stuff.” Dawn’s voice said.

“You barely review my stuff, anyway.” Steel murmured before answering, “Yeah?”

“Kirsten Dunst does a lousy job as MJ.” Dawn said.

“But, in her defense, she hasn’t been given much.” Steel said, “If the character herself had more depth, she might’ve done a pretty good job.”

“So...you admit that the character’s bland?” Dawn asked.

“Well...yeah.” Steel said, “Granted, we get SOME character. We see that she comes from an abusive family, but it’s just glanced at. That’s pretty much the extent of her character. And an inability to write effective female characters seems to be a recurring flaw in Sam Raimi’s works from what I’ve heard...”

“And look at Gwen Stacy from Amazing.” Dawn said, “She’s well-acted, well-written, and ISN’T the damsel in every scene.” Steel simply stayed silent, “No rebuttal, I see...”

Steel simply growled before saying, “You win this round.”

At that point, Steel hung up.

“So, Aunt May comforts Peter about Uncle Ben’s passing and Peter takes up masked adventuring because of the responsibility line.” Steel continued, “We then get a montage of Spider-Man’s first appearance. There was GOING to be a debut scene, but since it involved the World Trade Center and this was only a year after 9/11, it was cut because I guess Sam Raimi didn’t want to rip open wounds that were still healing. Though, some parts of this are rather entertaining as we see people’s reactions to the guy. This in particular...”

(Police Officer: Ah, some kinda freaky-Lou or somethin’. Whackadoo.)

(Construction Worker: He STINKS and I don’t like him.)

“Oddly clean-mouthed for New Yorkers, but hey, this was in an era where serious profanity was restricted to R-rated movies.” Steel said.

“And all these reports lead us to the REAL star of the Raimi trilogy.” Steel said.

(J. Jonah Jameson: “Who is Spider-Man?” He’s a CRIMINAL! A VIGILANTE! A PUBLIC MENACE! What’s he doin’ on my front page?!)

“Yep, the chief editor of the Daily Bugle, J. Jonah Jameson, played by J.K. Simmons.” Steel said, “Even people who don’t like the Raimi trilogy admit to thinking this guy’s hilarious. It’s hard not to like him with his machine gun mouth and attitude. Making it even better is the fact that Peter gets a job with him as a photographer only makes it funnier.”

(J. Jonah Jameson: They’re crap. Crap, crap, MEGA crap. I’ll give ya three hundred bucks for all of ‘em.)

“And one of the few, FEW good things I have to say about Ultimate Spider-Man is that they got J.K. Simmons back as the same role.” Steel said.

“Oh and Peter’s moved in with Harry.” Steel said, “Back on track, Norman unveils the new burst of prosperity in Oscorp now that his main competitors kinda blew up. However, it turns out that the remnants of said competitors offered his company a deal--the two merge if Norman’s out.”

(Norman: ...Am I *slowly smirks*?)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGAu_D…

“We then cut to a festival of Mediocre Gamecube floats, where everyone’s having a good time.” Steel said, “However, something appears in the sky and kills the board of directors by immediately skeletonizing them with some kinda...super science bomb, I think. And we see our antagonist for the movie, Green Goblin who...”

(Is wearing green, lightweight armor and a goblin-like helmet.)

Steel burst out laughing.

“O...okay, this design is...” At that point, Steel’s phone began ringing, “WHAT, DAWN?”

“Why does Green Goblin look like a half-rate Power Ranger?” Dawn asked.

“I dunno, why does Lizard look like a half-rate Power Ranger VILLAIN?” Steel asked in return.

There was a long pause between the two.

“Truce?” Dawn asked.

“Truce.” Steel simply nodded.

“So, Steel, tell me: what’s a line like THIS doing in a good movie?” Dawn asked, “The part after Spider-Man fights Goblin off by damaging his glider.”

(Green Goblin: *flying off* WE’LL MEET AGAIN, SPIDER-MAN!)

Steel remained silent for a while. He then shrugged and conceded, “I’ve got nothin’.”

“Making the score two-to-one in my favor.” Dawn said.

He then hung up at that point.

“So, Spidey gets everyone on the balcony to safety and puts Mary Jane somewhere safe.” Steel continued.

(Mary Jane: You just saved me and I don’t even know your name!)

(Spider-Man: You already know who I am...)

(Mary Jane: I do?)

(Spider-Man: Your friendly, neighborhood Spider-Man! *swings off, whooping*)

“Okay, I admit that Tobey’s Spider-Man can be...meh, at best. But in that one moment he seemed to get Spider-Man’s character.” Steel said, “Granted, it’s not Josh Keaton-level of ‘getting it’, but it still happened for a moment.”

Steel then heard a banging noise. He turned on the screen of his security system and saw Edge at the door.

“What is it, Edge?” Steel asked.

“TOBEY MAGUIRE’S PERFORMANCE IS BLAND AND YOU KNOW IT!” Edge shouted.

“Uh...no, not really. Hit-and-miss is probably what I’d call it.” Steel shrugged.

“At least Andrew Garfield could EMOTE and really capture Spider-Man.” Edge said.

“Except when using lines like THIS.” Steel said.

(Amazing Spider-Man: I just did, like, eighty percent of your job!)

“That’s it. I’m setting the record straight RIGHT NOW!” Edge shouted, “And DON’T try tazing me again! I’m prepared for that!”

“Okay, you be prepared and I’ll just push this button.” Steel said.

“What button?” Edge asked, suspiciously.

“The one that activates the trap door.” Steel replied, flipping open a panel on the wall and pushing the red button hidden within it.

“The trap dooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-”

Edge’s question was cut off as part of the floor opened up and he fell inside. On the screen, Xem ran over to the trap door and looked down.

“Where does this thing go?” Xem asked.

“I dunno, it was here when I got the place.” Steel said.

“Later, at the Daily Bugle, we get MORE enjoyably insane diatribes from our star, Mr. Jameson.” Steel continued.

(J. Jonah Jameson: Hoffman, run down to the patent office, copyright the name "Green Goblin." I want a quarter every time someone says it.)

(Peter: Spider-Man wasn't trying to attack the city, he was trying to save it. That's slander.)

(J. Jonah Jameson: It is not. I resent that. Slander is spoken. In print, it's libel.)

(Peter: You don’t trust anyone, that’s your problem.)

(J. Jonah Jameson: I trust my barber.)

“And, at that point, Green Goblin shows up, demanding to know where the guy who takes Spider-Man’s pictures is.” Steel continued, “Oh, back in the Norman Osborn plot, he found out that Green Goblin was actually another persona he had and only Spider-Man could stop him. Anyway, Mr. Jameson denies knowing Peter in an attempt to let him escape and he does...only to show up as Spider-Man.”

(Green Goblin: SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!)

(J. Jonah Jameson: SPIDER-MAN! I KNEW YOU TWO WERE IN THIS TOGETHER. I- *webbing covers his mouth*)

(Spider-Man: Hey, kiddo, let mom and dad talk for a minute.)

(Green Goblin: Sleep...*fires a gas at Spider-Man*)

(Kevin Murphy: SLEEP!)

“So, he knocks Spidey out and tries convincing him to join up with him.” Steel continued.

(Green Goblin: In spite of everything you’ve done for them, eventually, they will hate you. Why bother? Here’s the real truth: there are eight million people in this city and those teeming masses live for the sole purpose of lifting those few exceptional people onto their shoulders. You, me, WE’RE exceptional. *grabs Peter’s face* I could squash you like a bug RIGHT NOW. Join me and imagine what we could accomplish...what we could create...)

(Darth Vader: Join me and, together, we will rule the galaxy as father and son!)

(Green Goblin: Or we could DESTROY, cause the deaths of countless innocents again and again AND AGAIN UNTIL WE’RE BOTH DEAD!)

“Okay, that sounded a LOT better in my head.” Steel imitated.

“So, Gobby flies off, leaving Peter to ponder the meaning...and then get right back to superheroing.” Steel said, “Well, that was fast. He saves Mary Jane from some muggers and we have one of the most iconic kisses in recent cinematic history.”

(Spider-Man is hanging, upside-down, as Mary Jane peels off the mask of his lower face and kisses him.)

“Though, THIS exchange seems to sum up Mary Jane’s character in the movies.” Steel said.

(Spider-Man: You sure have a knack for getting in trouble.)

(Mary Jane: And you sure have a knack for saving my life.)

“MOVING ON.” Steel said, “Spider-Man’s out web-slinging and comes across a house fire and saves a baby. He then goes into the building to save someone else, but...”

(Veiled lady turns around, revealing herself to be Green Goblin, who promptly kicks Spider-Man.)

(Green Goblin: You’re pathetically predictable! Like a moth to the flame!)

“So, Spidey turns Goblin down and he hurls bladed things at him, one of which nicks his arm.” Steel said, “Will I go on about this like I did about him getting hit by a stray bullet in Amazing Spider-Man? Well...no. Because...”

(Wiz: However, it’s up to Spider-Man to recognize and react to its warnings.)

“As opposed to, y’know, HAPPENING to miss that one stray bullet that winds up injuring him because DRAMA.” Steel said. He paused for a second before asking, “There’s a mob of fans of the reboot outside my house, screaming for my blood, isn’t there?”

“However, Spider-Man gets out and we cut to Norman Osborn, swinging by Harry and Peter’s place for Thanksgiving Dinner.” Steel said, “It doesn’t go so well and he leaves after figuring out the connection. He then has a chat with himself...or, more accurately, the Goblin helmet. Don’t give THAT look. I chat with my headgear all the time!”

(Green Goblin: You must educate him in pain and suffering. Make him wish he were dead...and then grant his wish.)

“I think he’d make a great gym teacher.” Steel said.

“All this boils down to...”

(Green Goblin: The HEART, Osborn! FIRST, you attack his heart!)

“Which involves him breaking into Aunt May and freaking her out...in an unintentionally hilarious bit where he interrupts her giving the Lord’s Prayer.” Steel said, “Peter is alerted and rushes to the hospital. He and MJ have a romantic moment and Aunt May was conscious throughout it all. Later, Aunt May and Peter talk, where she reveals that his feelings have been obvious since day one. He then freaks out because he figured out that Goblin figured out who he is. He tries calling Mary Jane, but gets...”

(Green Goblin: *over phone* Can Spider-Man come out to play?)

“Boy, MJ, your voice sure has changed.” Steel said, imitating Tobey.

“So, he goes and finds that Goblin’s got MJ on the Brooklyn Bridge along with a tram filled with kids on a field trip...in the middle of the night. Make of that what you will.” Steel simply said, “Goblin gives him an ultimatum: the kids or Mary Jane. He winds up rescuing both and, when Goblin tries to intervene...”

(Goblin begins getting pelted by various objects being thrown by locals on the bridge.)

(Crowd:  Leave Spider-Man alone! You're gonna pick on a guy trying to save a bunch of kids? You mess with Spidey, you mess with New York! You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.)

“Ah, a little post-9/11 unity.” Steel sighed, “When there weren’t Republicans or Democrats, race didn’t matter, nor did things like gender, sexuality, or religion (for the most part). The only adjective that mattered was ‘American’. The people united not only in despair, but also determination. This scene in particular shows that, no matter what the media says, they’re backing the city’s wall-crawling superhero.”

“Now, to ruin the moment.” Kyubey said, appearing.

IN THE NEXT MOVIE...

(Peter Parker: Spider-Man won’t let me take his pictures. You’ve turned the whole city against him!)

Steel gave Kyubey an unimpressed look.

“The public is fickle, Steel.” Kyubey said before hopping away.

“Long story short, he winds up rescuing the kids and Mary Jane and goes to fight Goblin, mono-e-mono. The fight goes badly until Gobby threatens Mary Jane, giving Spider-Man righteous fury and beats the living man-crap out of him.” Steel continued, “However, he snaps back to Norman Osborn, who pleads for his life.”

(Spider-Man: You...killed the people on that balcony.)

(Norman: The GOBLIN killed them! I had no idea! Don’t let him take me again!)

(Spider-Man: You tried killing Aunt May. You tried killing Mary Jane.)

(Norman: But not you. *touches something on his wrist as his glider floats up behind Spider-Man* I knew, if anyone could save me, it would be you. I’ve always been a father to you...now, be a son to me.)

(Darth Vader: Join me and together-)

“NO!” Steel shouted, “We’ve already done that joke!”

(Peter: I have a father. His name was Ben Parker.)

“And...I just like that line.” Steel said, “Cheesy? Oh yeah. Cheesy? Most definitely. But it still just gets the right area for me.”

“Anyway, Goblin shows up and tries impaling Spidey, who dodges and the glider pierces Norman instead, who only has time for an ‘Oh Crap’ moment.” Steel continued, “He then finds himself careening towards death.”

(Norman: Peter...don’t tell Harry...)

“Also, tell him to clean the gutters every Saturday, to clean up after the dogs, and-oh, sorry, I’m kinda drawing this out.” Steel imitated, “Well, gotta die now. BYE.”

“So, Norm passes and Spidey returns him to his house...just as Harry arrives.” Steel said, “He thinks Spider-Man killed him and swears vengeance. After the funeral, MJ confesses that she loves Peter, but Pete puts her in the friend-zone for her own protection and our movie ends with another inner-monologue.”

(Peter: (narrating) No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the ones I love...will always be the ones who pay.)

“And the fine’s about $250.” Steel imitated.

(Peter: (narrating) Whatever life holds for me, I will never forget these words: with great power comes great responsibility. This is my gift, my curse. Who am I?)

(Batman: I am BATMAN!)

(Peter: I’m Spider-Man.)

“So, that was Spider-Man.” Steel said, “Honestly...I think it’s good. Undeniably flawed, but still good.”

“I mean, yeah, I can see the writing hiccups, Mary Jane’s bland, and it just feels dated.” Steel said, “But the feeling is rather a lighthearted, comic book one, Willem Dafoe and J.K. Simmons are a lot of fun, and it’s just a fun little movie for me.”

“And I STILL feel it’s superior to Amazing Spider-Man.” Steel said, “Why? Maybe because I grew up with it, maybe I feel that the reboot is just the parent telling the kid after the dog’s death, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll get you a NEW one’ without realizing that it was THAT dog you were attached to, rather than A dog.”

“Either way, I’ll probably be weathering out this storm of fans in here, so I’ll see you next week...ish.” Steel said, “I’m Tohokari-Steel, this was Outta the DVD, and the show’s over. Toodles.”

Steel reached over and picked up Flashpoint before reading it as his HQ began rumbling, the shouts of an angry mob heard outside.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fj7c3v…

Pros:
-A lighthearted comic book feeling
-Willem Dafoe (for the most part)
-J. Jonah Jamison
-Tobey Maguire is a good Peter Parker...
Cons:
-But his Spider-Man is “meh” at best
-Mary Jane is rather useless
-Some plot holes/unexplained instances
-Feels a little dated
Final Score: 7/10

Clips Used:
Spider-Man
Amazing Spider-Man
Star Trek: Into Darkness
Marvel/DC
TMNT
The Simpsons
How Could This Happen to Me by Simple Plan
RiffTrax: Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Death Battle: Batman vs. Spider-Man
Spider-Man 2
Batman: The Animated Series

A door popped out of the floor and Edge flew out, landing on a pile of potatoes. He groaned as he looked out a window, finding that the trap door seemed to deposit him into a ship somewhere in the South China Sea.

“THIS DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!” Edge shouted.
My review of the 2002 Spider-Man movie.

...Yeah, still prefer it over Amazing Spider-Man. Nothing else can be said.

The logo is Steel web-singing as Spider-Man.

Next time on Outta the DVD: www.youtube.com/watch?feature=…, requested by :iconuniversalstudiosgeek:.

So, did I miss an opportunity for a joke? Did I make any screw-ups? Or do you simply have a different opinion of the movie? If so, comment below and let me know!
© 2014 - 2024 Tohokari-Steel
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I prefer "Spectacular Spider-Man" myself, damn Sony and copyright for runining it for everybody...