"Hi, I'm Tohokari-Steel and THIS is Outta the DVD, where..." Steel said, but was immediately interrupted by the sound of electricity crackling filled the air, "What was that?"
The electricity continued crackling as Steel noticed a blue orb appearing.
"Oh no!" Steel gasped, "The thing I'm reviewing must be so bad that it's distorting the rules of reality!"
A blue vortex opened up and immediately engulfed the entire room.
(We didn't start the fire.
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning.
We didn't start the fire.
Though we didn't light it,
We tried to fight it...)
"I was in my living room, on the edge of the couch." came a voice, "And THAT was when the mystery began..."
(panels of Sonichu appear)
"The only odd thing was I wasn't trying to solve a mystery. It was just something I discovered while surfing the Internet. And if reality's anything like what I just saw, then clearly, the world of Stephanie Meyer has more sense and logic than that of reality."
Sitting in a high-brow chair was Tohokari-Steel with a dusty coat, a pipe in hand, and a stern expression on his face.
"Hello, I'm Tohokari-Steel, detective extraordinare." He introduced, doing an impression of Robert Downey Jr.'s Sherlock Holmes, "I've covered cases from 'Why Napoleon Dynamite shouldn't be an airliner' to 'Should Twilight be an edible sweet'. But what I discovered on the internet makes those oddities look sane by comparison. It is a review outside my usual territory, I will not lie, but a review I feel I must do. I am, of course, talking about the horror that is 'Sonichu'."
"Never before have I seen such an abomination of insanity." Steel said, "It's artwork is crap, the writing is crap, and the characters are crap."
"But Steel," Xem said, dressed in a tuxedo, wearing a bowler hat, and sporting a curly mustache said, "How can such a pile of crap exist?"
"Elementary, my dear Xemnas." Steel replied, "Let us simply dig into Sonichu."
(cover of Issue #1)
"The first thing you notice is that...the title isn't really that noticeable." Steel said, "Try and read this. Sonicu...Sonhicu...Sonicflu..."
(The Dude: ...Johnson?)
"Let's just say it's 'Sonichu' and move on." Steel said, "We immediately see a crappy drawing of the abomination called Sonichu and the authorChristian Weston Chandler (or Chis-chan as he likes to be called). He can be described as THESE..."
(annoying, obnoxious, idiotic, sexist, racist, homophobic, childish, excuse-throwing, lazy, overly-dramatic, freakish, and much more)
"And I'm not kidding about any of those." Steel said, "We see Chris saying 'Go, Sonichu! Go out and zap to the EXTREME!'."
(guitar music playing)
(Read Prince of Heart)
(Indiana Jones IV is quality entertainment)
Steel looked startled as he asked, "What was that?"
Steve the Hollow, who was wearing a bowler hat, leiderhosen, sporting a curly mustache, and carrying an accordion walked over.
"I believe that is what happens when someone puts emphasis on the word 'extreme'." He said in an oddly cheery voice before walking away.
"I don't know how to describe that." Steel said, pointing in Steve's direction, "Anyway, Christian is in his late twenties and yet this looks like it's been drawn by a third grader...wait, no, that's insulting...to third graders. I know not EVERYONE can be on the same level as Hayao Miyazaki, Michelangelo, Jack Kirby, or even Norohiro Yagi, but kindly view the few pages of my fan comic made by SaireNaoriva. It's MUCH better drawn. Heck, the pages I made with MICROSOFT PAINT look more professional than this!"
"Also, look at the bottom of this page." Steel said, pointing to a small patch of white.
(All Sonichu material are copyrighted March, 2000-2005 by Christian W. Chandler)
"Copyright does NOT work that way." Steel stated, "And I'd like to point out that you've 'copyrighted' this stuff, even though we CLEARLY see him using Sonic and Pikachu...who are ALREADY copyrighted. Food for thought."
"Bottom line, cover SUCKS. Next page." Steel stated, "We move onto the next page...which has NOTHING except a VERY long author's note."
(A Message from Christian W. Chandler:
I hope you have enjoyed the sample episode in this FREE COMIC, of the Sonichu Comic Book.)
"Trust me, I will NOT." Steel stated.
(I am very proud of my Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon,)
Steel simply stared, looking unimpressed.
(Kuni: STUPID! YOU'RE SO STUPID!)
"Yes, that pretty much sums it up." Steel muttered.
(and all the other characters that live in Cwcville.)
"The location names in my fanmakes sound better than that." Steel stated.
"I'm going to skip this page because more idiot rambling commences." Steel said, changing the page, "Our ACTUAL story begins."
(Our story begins in an open field five mies away from the city of Station Square, which is under siege from the Perfect Chaos monster.)
"Remember, this is 'COPYRIGHTED'." Steel said, sarcastically.
(While Sonic the Hedgehog ponders over the destruction, a wild boy Pikachu take notice of the far-off destruction...)
"I have a question." Steel said, raising a hand, "Why do we NEED to know that the Pikachu is a male? Is that in ANY WAY related to the story? I DEMAND an answer!"
"Indeed, we DO see a Pikachu and...Chris Chan?" Steel asked, "What are you doing here? What is the POINT of your head just floating there?"
Madness Abe, who looked oddly like Ask ThatGuyWithTheGlasses (complete with bathrobe and pipe) stood in the usual bar background.
"That's a VERY good question." Abe said, "And the answer is...nothing. There is no point to it. And you have just wasted your audience's time as well as your own. You should be forever ashamed."
"I don't get it either." Steel shrugged.
(All Sonichu material are copyrighted March, 2000-2005 by Christian W. Chandler)
"Is that why there's a clearly copyrighted POKEMON on this page?" Steel asked, pointing to the Pikachu, "Next page."
(A bunch of panels that look random.)
"What the-Sonic goes Super Sonic and Pikachu is just running around. What the heck is-never mind, moving on." Steel simply said, "Oh and Sonic is ALSO featured in this 'COPYRIGHTED' comic."
"You know, sir, for someone who claims copyright in his comic, he sure sucks when it comes to differentiating between what is and isn't already copyrighted." Saire, dressed as a maid, pointed out as she handed him some toast on a ceramic plate.
"Thank you, Saire." Steel said, taking the toasted bread.
In the kitchen, a toaster turned over to a TV and asked, in Dimentio's voice, "Would he want that even if he knew it was in my brain?"
The TV flickered on to show Dimentia, Dimentio's female counterpart, on the screen, "Not likely."
Fawful chuckled, idiotically, as he began poking the wall.
"If you'll excuse me, I have a business meeting to attend." Akira said in a clipped, British accent as she walked out.
"Why am I a car?" a red Ferrari asked, in Kitts' voice.
"And why am I a bed?" a racecar-shaped bed asked in DAL 9000's voice.
"Moving onto the next page, we see Perfect Chaos throwing up Super Sonic, who collides with Pikachu...and looks like he's either kissing ir or throwing up on it." Steel said, "We then cut to a female Raichu (who looks NOTHING like a Raichu and more like a chocolate bunny), who gets struck by possibly the crappiest-looking rainbow ever."
"We go to the next page, where the characters have...changed, I guess." Steel said, "Our least-favorite Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon is out cold when we see...ugh, Amy Rose's mutated sister. A Pokemon trainer goes over and then..."
(Kel: Raichu, I saw the-GASP!)
"You want to know what I hear when Chis-chan has a character gasp?" Steel asked, cueing a clip.
(Robot Krabs: GASP.)
"Seriously, you could just use those things called ASTERISKS OR PARENTHESES! THEY'RE NOT HARD TO USE!" Steel shouted.
(Kel: Who are you? Where's my Pokemon?)
(Robot Krabs: GASP.)
"Yes, you CAN expect to see that every time a character gasps." Steel said.
(Raichu-Hedgehog: I am your Pokemon. I was hit by a rainbow and now, I have transformed!)
(Optimus Primal: I...am...TRANSFORMED!)
(Kel: Oh my! You're as beautiful as a rose!)
(Abe Simpson: NO! You're homely as a mule's butt!)
(Raichu-Hedgehog: As a rose? I need a new name since I'm a new Pokemon, you can call me...)
"Zapbud!" Steel proclaimed before slowly realizing what he said, "Wait, that can't be right. Let me just..."
Steel pulled out a magnifying glass and looked over the page before saying, "Oh. Rosechu. With your choice of markers, it wasn't really that noticeable, so forgive me for missing that."
"On the next page, we see Sonichu coming to and racing across a-WHAT the heck?!" Steel shouted, "Why is he running across something patterned like an American flag?!"
"You are TEARING ME APART, Sonichu!" TLSoulDude, now with wiry, black hair and wearing a lumpy tuxedo proclaimed in an odd impression of Tommy Wiseau. He then looked at Steel and said, "Oh, hai, Steel. Reviewing something particularly bad today?"
"Indeed, I am." Steel replied as he blew a few bubbles out of his pipe, "How did you find this transmission?"
"You left it open." TL replied.
"Oh. I see." Steel murmured.
"Anyway, how's your sex life?" TL suddenly asked.
Steel simply stared before asking, "Agent Johnson, could you do something about this?"
A piggy bank with a neatly-trimmed hair-cut and sunglasses stood up, "I cannot do that since I am an inanimate object. Even if I could, I am carrying twelve dollars in change, which is not easy, I might add. Oink."
"Get lost." Steel ordered to the Tommy Wiseau impersonator.
"Bye." TL said, walking out, "Oh, hai, door. Hai, sidewalk. Hai, street. Oh, hai, truck."
A horn blared as there was a rather loud 'thump'.
"So, in true Gary Stu fashion, Sonichu defeats Perfect Chaos without ANY assistance. Class act." Steel simply said, "He then takes on the name Sonichu and we end this episode."
"Well, that was short and unnecessary, but..." Steel stood up to leave, but was quickly grabbed by an oddly muscular Jerry the Shinigami.
"Ya ain't goin' NOWHERE, bub." He said in a deep voice as he shoved Steel back into the chair.
"Well, when you put it like THAT." Steel said, "Yes, the madness does not end there. We have a CHARACTER sheet."
(This is Sonichu. The Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon and main character)
"Really? I wouldn't have guessed." Steel said, sarcastically, "And, for those of you who DON'T know, the main character of "Insane Critic" is the Insane Critic."
A gloved hand swung in as Lunatic, wearing white make-up and a stripy shirt walked over.
"I wasn't actually talking about YOU." Steel said, "Get out."
Lunatic scratched his head before looking at the comic. His eyes widened and his mouth shrunk. He held out an invisible gun before apparently shooting himself in the face and toppling over.
"GET OUT." Steel ordered, causing Lunatic to flinch and walk out. Steel sighed before saying, "Mimes..."
"So, the character list continued with Rosechu, Kel (the Pokemon trainer), and Naitsirhc (yeah, try PRONOUNCING that." Steel said, "Naitsirch looks like Carrot Top wearing one of Madonna's cone bras on his head. He's a villain because...uh, EVIL. Yeah, he's the stereotypical, two-dimensional villain with NO redeemable qualities about him or any form of humanity whatsoever."
(Black Sonichu, AKA Blachu)
"Gesundheit." Steel said.
"Yes, Black Sonichu is to Sonichu what Shadow is to Sonic." Steel said, "And the name does sound oddly racist and very sneeze-like. Then again, considering the maker has been fired for getting into fights with black people and was thrown out of a card shop for screaming at black children, it shouldn't be a surprise."
"We move onto the next page, where we see the Chaotic ComboWild Sonichu, Bubbles Sonichu, Angelica Rosechu, Punchy Sonichu (I WISH I was making that up), and Magi-Chan Sonichu." Steel said, "And...dear lord...Magi-Chan's eyes, they're staring into my soul...IT KNOWS MY NAME!"
Suddenly, the picture of Magi-Chan's eyes turned bright red as it shouted, in a low, demonic voice, "I SEE YOU, STEEL!"
Steel yelled before quickly turning the page.
"We then see Kazooie-I mean, Kazooie-I mean, Kazooie-I mean...Flame the Sunbird. Apparently, it's the guardian of a Master Emerald rip-off and is forgotten about as soon as possible." Steel said.
Suddenly, on the page, Magi-chan's picture appeared again and shouted, "You can't hide from me, Steel!"
Steel yelled again before turning the page again.
There was a feral yell as Wildrook, who wasn't wearing a shirt, had tassles tied to his arms, and odd-looking face-paint bolted in.
"YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO BE A CRITIC, TO-KARI-STEEL!" Rook yelled in an odd impression of the Ultimate Warrior, "IF YOU ARE TO BE A CRITIC, YOU NEED TO BE STRONG OF BODY AND HAVE A BRAIN THE SIZE OF LOS ANGELE!!! (SKRONK)!"
Steel stared before saying, "Saire, I need a brick."
"Here you go, sir." Saire said, handing Steel a bright red brick.
"Thank you." Steel said, taking the brick and tossing it at Rook. It bounced off Rook's face, giving him a dazed look before falling over.
(And then, a couple of two-bit villains (I wouldn't even give two cents for them). Mary Lee Walsh and Jerkops.)
"For those of you who don't know, Mary Lee Walsh is a teacher who took down a rather suggestive sign Christian put up because he was basically soliciting sex. Jerkops were cops who threw him out of a Target for loitering and stalking." Steel explained, "Christian, these people were doing the right thing as well as their jobs. YOU were being a creepy stalker (as usual). Bottom line, you get no sympathy from me."
"And then, we get the Stu-Master himself." Steel said, "Christian Weston Chandler."
-Born on February, 24, 1982
-I'm working towards a computer aided drafting & design degree at Piedmont Virginia, a community college)
"I'm ashamed to have lived in the same state as you." Steel said, "Wait, I also got new respect for the military, honed my critical AND writing skills, and saw the ocean while I was there. Never mind."
(-I'm also lonely and I need a girlfriend!)
"One of the MANY things people criticize about this seriesChris is constantly complaining that he needs a girlfriend his age." Steel said, "Well, guess what? I'm also single, but I don't complain about it. I'm a bit concerned about it at times, but I get that out of my system by writing about romance between characters OTHER than myself and I actually crack jokes about it."
(To describe myself in real life, I am a very creative person.)
(Dr. Cox: Wrong-wrong-wrong-wrong. Wrong-wrong-wrong-wrong. You're wrong! You're wrong! You're wrong!)
"Moving on from that." Steel murmured, flipping the page, "We get a contrived love story called 'Genesis of the Lovehogs'. Honestly, that sounds like a gang that does unspeakable things to women...that Chris-chan probably founded."
"We move onto the next episode, where-GREAT MORIARTY, THIS PAGE IS TERRIBLE!" Steel shouted, "I mean, LOOK AT IT! You can't squint and make it look good! In all possible proportions, the Zapdos Naitsirch is riding should be the size of a large dog and Rosechu should be the size of a box of Tic-Tacs! Also, WHY are the logos for GameStop and Kay-Bee in such BLAND letters?!"
E350, who had a severe over-bite, a dunce cap, two antennae, and lobster claws for hands appeared.
"Well, shucks, if this AIN'T a purty dang bad picture." E350 said, in a hill billy voice.
"Go away." Steel ordered.
"AHYUCK! AHYUCK!" E350 guffawed before walking away.
"This warped form of reality is becoming extremely bizarre." Xem said, perplexed.
"That it is, Xem. That it is." Steel replied before popping the pipe into his mouth.
"So, we get a prologue, where we see Kel giving the two the okay to go to a shopping mall." Steel said, "And YES, this is primarily how all women work in Christian's twisted sense of reality: shopping, shopping, and more shopping. We're then treated to THIS."
(Sonichu: (narrating) Thankfully, Kel gave me cash for lunch. But how was I supposed to know that the cheeseburger had pickles?)
(Rosechu: Ahh...that salad was great! What's wrong, Sweetbolt?)
(Sonichu: ...I...I...h-hate p...p...pickles.)
"Yes, PICKLE is what Christian uses to describe anything phallic." Steel said, "Get used to it."
"Zapdos smashes through the glass, which does nothing to threaten other mall-goers like it really should." Steel continued.
(Chief Wiggum: Thank goodness no one was hurt!)
(Doctor Nick impaled on huge chunk of glass.)
(Doctor Nick: Bye everybody...Ugh (dies).)
"So, long story short, the fight ends with (OF COURSE) Sonichu winning." Steel said.
"Mister Steel." came a low voice. Steel looked to the doorway to see Shadow-DJ, wearing sunglasses and a business suit.
"Demon Critic." Steel said in a low, threatening voice, "My arch-nemesis."
"Yes, Steel, we are all aware of our...relationship." DJ said in a Hugo Weaving-esque voice.
"Why are you here?" Steel asked.
"To fulfill my purpose." DJ answered, coldly.
"It is purpose that guides us." Another DJ said as he walked in.
"That corrects us." Another DJ said.
"That binds us." A third DJ said. Suddenly, the room started filling with DJs.
"YOU ALL, GET OUT!" Steel roared as he pulled out a double-barreled shotgun and fired in the air. The DJs muttered darkly as they walked out of the room, single-file. Steel growled as he put the shotgun away and said, "Well, considering I have nothing better to do, I'm moving onto a random issueSonichu # 4, also known as 'CWC's Love Saga'.
"Yes, eventually, Christian dropped all pretense and made HIMSELF the star of Sonichu. It makes NO SENSE and is ego-rubbing to the point where I'm surprised the author hasn't gotten a restraining order." Steel said, "I have nothing against putting YOURSELF in something you're working on, but you have to, at least be HUMBLE. I put myself into almost everything I write, but I'm well aware of my flaws enough to actually include them and exaggerate them. If you want an example, read my other reviews."
"We open up with Chris Chan being sulky about how his love quest has been going on for a year and that he hates men for taking all the pretty girls." Steel said, "You know, there's MORE to a girl than just her LOOKS. I think that lesson's been pounded into children for generations."
"Unfortunately, his emo moment is interrupted by the Jerkhief (a BLACK Jerkop, I might add) and has a line that I think most of us would like to say to CWC."
(Jerkhief: I'm so sick of your complaints and tears! On and on about how lonely you are and how you need a girlfriend! You're nothing but a lowly liar, you solicitor!)
Sarge Ray, Hellboy, Homer Simpson, Train Heartnet, and Clare (all of whom were either action figures or figurines) appeared with traditional Marvel/DC background noise.
"Thanks for saying that. It'll make the rest of this seem bearable." Sarge Ray sighed. He then looked at his fellow Fictional Science Theater members and asked, "Hey, how can we talk without moving our lips?"
"And how can I be standing? By every law of physics, I should be falling o-" Hellboy yelled as he tipped to the side.
"How can Clare and I move if we don't even have joints?" Train asked.
Homer was laying on the ground and simply said, through tightly-shut lips "I can't breathe..."
"So, Chris-chan uses his magic medallion to change into his furry mode (don't ask)." Steel continued, "He begins duking it out with the Jerkhief and doesn't even get close to being injured."
"Stu if there ever was one, sir." Saire said, walking through with a tray, "Would you like some tea?"
"Thank you, I would." Steel replied, taking the cup and sipping the tea.
(Jerkhief fires gun, which Christian blocks with a barrier.)
(Christian: You gave me a slug, so you get my super secret ultimate attack.)
(Christian uses the Curse-Ye-Hame-Ha (yeah, REAL original) and curses the Jerkhief for the rest of his life.)
Steel immediately spat out his tea.
"WHAT?! The guy shoots at you AND MISSES and you find it necessary to destroy his life?!" Steel shouted, "Something is wrong with you! VERY wrong with you! It's like THIS..."
(Ganon: You DARE bring light to my lair?! YOU MUST DIE!)
"Onto the next sub-episode, where Chris meets a girl named Hannah, who wants to have coffee with him." Steel said, "Immediately afterwards..."
(Christian: YES! MY LOVE QUEST IS FINALLY OVER!)
"She just wanted COFFEE with you." Steel said, "I don't think that really MEANS anything."
"Christian goes to a coffee store and tells Rosechu to spread word through CWCville." Steel said, "Hannah and Christian talk for a while when Chris-chan brings up his Sonichu medallion (which is the ultimate of chick repellants). She goes off and Rosechu overhears Hannah saying she did it all to yank Christian's chain."
"Yes, this is Christian's one of MANY shots at trolls who keep mocking him...which only causes them to mock him MORE." Steel said, "Why do they keep it up? I think Toph from Avatar said it best."
(Toph: You make it too easy.)
"I'm making a lot of references in this review, aren't I?" Steel asked, blowing a few bubbls out his pipe.
An anthropomorphic skunk was loading what looked like a sawed-off shotgun.
"Who are you?" Steel asked, arching an eyebrow.
"Bindi the Skunk." The skunk replied in a rough voice, "Who're you, weed head?"
"Uh...Tohokari-Steel." Steel replied, "Is there any reason you hijacked my signal?"
"Yeah, it was fun." Bindi replied with a smirk.
"Okay, what do you want?" Steel asked.
"I always wondered what I could do against the best." Bindi replied, adjusting a fedorah on her head.
"And...what would you mean by that?" Steel asked, blowing bubbles out his pipe.
Bindi shot her gun, blowing up Steel's pipe.
"I just got my tail kicked by Wildrook. I'm takin' it out on YOU!" Bindi answered.
"I don't think so." Steel stated, pulling a lever.
"Well, that was unfortunate." Steel said, pulling out another pipe and filling it with bubble fluid.
"Back to the story, Rosechu tells Christian, who goes off to confront Hannah." Steel continued, but was immediately interrupted...
"YOU THINK A MERE BRICK COULD HARM THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR-ROOK, TO-KARI-STEEL?!" Rook roared.
Steel pulled out his luger and fired a warning shot. Rook growled before walking away.
"Hannah immediately fesses up, but NOW, she says it was her FRIENDS who told her to do it." Steel continued, "Insert Darth Vader 'no' here and let us move on."
"YOU CALL THAT A ROBERT DOWNEY JR. IMPRESSION?!" Gokiburi Prince (who was now a cockroach with Mr. McNitpick-esque hair and clothes) demanded as he popped up next to Steel. Steel pulled out a fly-swatter and hit the fanfiction critic with it. Prince staggered up before saying, "Judas..." only to get hit again.
"In the NEXT sub-episode, Mary Lee Walsh is cooking and Christian spins through her window and ATTACKS her!" Steel continued. He dropped his tea cup on the floor. Saire walked over with a feather duster and a dustpan, "How much was that cup?"
"A dollar fifty, sir." Saire replied.
"Well, it's not a total loss, then." Steel said.
"So...yes, OUR HERO." Steel continued, "Coming the crap out of nowhere to attack old women, who are simply minding their own business."
"They have a fight that makes Transformers look coherent and Mary Lee Walsh hits Christian's medallion, causing him to change back." Steel continued, "We then have a full page spread that we have to turn on its side. It seems that no one told Christian that you can't do that on the Internet."
(Mary Lee Walsh: So, "Chris-Chan", you are also Christian Chandler, huh?!)
"Well, quite obviously, he IS." Steel said, blowing more bubbles out his pipe.
(Mary lee Walsh: Well, I took your heart and soul, so I'll finish it, and you will never attract a boyfriend-free girl ever!)
"Yes, 'boyfriend-free' and 'girlfriend-free' are Christian's terminology for 'single'." Steel said, "Now, the question all of us have is 'Why? Isn't 'single' a simpler way to put it?'. I don't know. Just...deduce."
"Sonichu appears completely out of the blue and the two wail on Mary Lee Walsh." Steel said, "I'd like to point out AGAIN, that this woman was just minding her own business when these two attacked. In real life, THOSE TWO ARE THE BAD GUYS."
"In the next subepisode (yes, the entire comic's full of supepisodes), Christian is (ONCE AGAIN) being attacked by Jerkops." Steel said, "How do they keep finding him? WHY does he keep going back there? All these questions and more shall go unanswered."
"So, a purple hedgehog comes out of nowhere and assists him-sure, why not?" Steel said, "He then proceeds to copy off the Black Knight scene from Monty Python & The Holy Grail. Thank you for tarnishing my all-time favorite comedy, CWC. Why don't you take the Mona Lisa, stomp on it, defecate on it, and say it's an improvement?"
"Christian transforms into his furry mode and the idiotic anime wings he was wearing turn into actual wings." Steel said, "For all the laws of physics, flying like that should BREAK HIS NECK."
"Spontaneous purple hedgehog leaves and Christian lectures the two Jerkops and we get THIS."
(Christian: As for you two Mana-Jerks, the pain that you both are feeling now should be punishment enough for going against me in my quest for a boyfriend-free girl to love and trust! I do not care about your rules, either of you, or any male other than my father and myself! But let me make it perfectly clear that in my love quest, it is very hard for me to find a girl due to the infinitely-high boyfriend-factor! And I do not want to risk getting a punch in the face from a jerk! Also, the ladies are unable to notice my person, because they mostly have shopping on their minds, I have to loudly spell it out.)
"I'm just going to let the idiocy and sexism of that speech sink in." Steel said.
DW64, dressed in a tuxedo with tails, stood up, "I shall express my disgust at this clear sign of misogyny through the only way possible" DW then moved aside before gesturing to a large piano, "Through the piano."
DW then began playing a fast-paced, angry-sounding melody.
Steel stared in wonder at it. DW64 came to a halt.
Steel simply applauded at that.
"So, Christian gets attacked by a Jerkop in a robot suit when a poorly-drawn Caesar guy appears and tells him to fight back, he needs a woman's touch." Steel continued.
(Yakko: (eyes dart from side to side before blowing a kiss) Good night, everybody!)
"Due to extremely bad writing, Christian summons his fictional sister, Crystal Weston Chandler." Steel continued, "They go into their Sonichu forms and..."
(Crystal dressed in Sailor Moon-esque uniform.)
"Of all the things I do not care about, you had to choose that one?" Steel asked.
"Fine, let me explain." Steel sighed, "I am aware that Sailor Moon is a very popular series among the manga/anime fans (both soft and hardcore). I have friends who are fans. But I'm just not among the crowd. I do not hate the series, I just don't care about it. That is all."
"Back to the comic, Christian and Crystal fight off the Jerkops (big surprise)." Steel continued, "Crystal gives ANOTHER lecture and they kick the thing to Mary Lee Walsh's place and hit her in the head with it. We cut to the next subepisode...which is just Christian pointing out how ugly the Jerkops are. And the other subepisodes are in similar ways to the others! Is there anything the LEAST bit coherent in this comic?!"
"Tohokari-Steel!" RookSano, dressed in cliché Shakespeare clothes, exclaimed, "I have written a poem that fits this perfectly!"
"What is it?" Steel asked with an annoyed sigh.
"Ahem." RookSano said before reading from a scroll, "O', what madness from this comic shall arise. To boggle the mind and to rape the eyes."
"Thank you, RookSano." Steel murmured before pulling the switch a second time.
"You can't hide!" Bindi shouted as she fired her shotgun again. Steel screamed before pulling the switch again.
"And that's Sonichu # 4. I'm now going to the NEXT issue that people rememberSonichu # 8." Steel said, "This is the Sonichu Pornography issue. So, let's dig in with..."
Steel was immediately muted and the pages were flashing past at high speeds.
Santa Bond: Hello, people. This is Santa Bond. Yes, due to the reality shift, I currently have no body, but my consciousness (and voice) has remained intact. So, I'm fast-forwarding through this because it is sickening. REALLY sickening. You will thank me for this, trust me. And you can count on this Christian Weston Chandler to be on my naughty list again this year. I think his review on this chapter is over now. So, let us resume.
"And that is why this comic is painful to read." Steel said, "The next issue I read is...NO! I refuse to read anymore! Something MUST be done about this!"
Steel propped up a Sonichu comic before loading his shotgun again and aiming it.
"Discombobulate." He simply said before shooting the comic.
A burst of blue electricity crackled through the review station. Immediately, Steel was back in his original garb with his Benelli shotgun in hand.
"Dude, what just happened?" he asked.
"I think that reviewing Sonichu caused reality to unravel a bit. Destroying it must've caused reality to snap back to normal." Saire said as she tossed a tray over her shoulders, making an audible crash, "I'll leave that for Jerry to pick up."
"So, we're ripping off Marvel/DC: After Hours?" Steel asked.
"Yeah, we've gotta rip off somethin' other than Nostalgia Critic, Linkara, Film Brain, and RiffTrax." Steve said.
"So...the review's over?" Steel asked.
"Pretty much." Xem replied.
"Okay, I'll wrap this up." Steel said before screaming, "THIS...SERIES...SUCKS! I'M GLAD I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT ANYMORE! IT WAS CRAP WHEN IT WAS FIRST MADE AND IT'S CRAP NOW! AND IT'S MAKER IS A BIG CREEP WHO WILL GET ARRESTED SOMEDAY AND NO ONE WILL FEEL SORRY FOR HIM!!"
"I'm Tohokari-Steel, THIS was Outta the DVD, and I'm outta here!" Steel concluded, storming off.
The other members of Outta the DVD flocked out as well. Tohokari-Sano popped up and looked confused, "I thought that Sonichu would get 'im for sure. Well, there's one tool left to me nowthe Not-Jim-Carrey Sequel!"
Bindi was holding up the shotgun and asked, "How'd I get this? Would fans of the reviews even KNOW who I am? Eh, I'll have a co-review with Steel sometime..."
"How on earth did I wind up with something like THIS?" RookSano asked before tossing away the scroll.
"Excuse me." Came a voice. RookSano looked over to see Iron standing in front of him.
"Oh, it's YOU." RookSano said, "I was wondering where you got to. Hurry up, my back's not going to massage itself, y'know."
"First of all, I'm staying as far away from your back as humanely possible. Second, I'm not here as your servant. I'm here under a galactic force that's...interested in you." Iron said.
"Wait...you don't mean HER, do you?!" RookSano asked, fearfully.
"Yeah, HER. She's got a proposition for you and it's not an offer you can refuse." Iron said, pulling out his new switchblade knife and unsheathing the blade.
(TO BE CONTINUED...)
(Seven rings in hand speed through nights with feet in sand
Seven rings in hand, wonders all under command
Seven rings in hand wild with just one single hand
Seven rings in hand arrowed hearts catch fire now
Myths in minds re-thought
Question all that's known
Legends blurred and torn)
We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel
The Big Lebowski
The Simpsons Movie
Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon
Avatar: The Last Airbender
Seven Rings In Hand by Steve Conte
(Mario: It's been one of those days...)
Deleted Scene 1:
Deadpool and Cooly were sitting in theater seats and were dressed unusually like Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert.
"Hello, I'm Wade Wilson of Nut Reviews." Deadpool introduced.
"And I'm Cooly McAwesome." Cooly said.
"Our next item is called 'Sonichu', a copyrighted comic by Christian Weston Chandler." Deadpool said, "It gets a thumbs-up from me."
"It gets a thumbs'-up from me, too!" Cooly exclaimed, "It's TOTALLY RADICAL, MAN!"
A phone ringing was heard.
"Oh, looks like we have a caller." Deadpool said, pressing a button, "Hello?"
"Wilson and McAwesome?" Steel's voice asked before saying, "You two are blithering idiots. That is all."
Steel then hung up.
Deleted Scene 2:
Steel looked ready to continue when a newspaper crashed through a window. Saire immediately began sweeping up as Steel picked it up.
"Irwin Strait elected as US President." Steel read, "Maxim Karne Systema elected as Russian Premire. Re-establishes Soviet Union, people prophesize nuclear armageddon."
Steel paled as he put the paper away.