literature

OTD: Return of Sonichu

Deviation Actions

Tohokari-Steel's avatar
Published:
17.1K Views

Literature Text

(Show me the side streets in your life
Train yards like bone yards, sharpened knives
Sidewalks are unassuming fields
Concrete and cracks won't cut you deals
Won't cut you deals
Won't cut you
Lost teeth like white jewels of some kind
Petty theft for penny crimes
For penny crimes
For penny crimes
And we yell
ahh ahhh ahh ahh like a good ol' fashion nightmare
ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahh
ahh ahhh ahh ahh like a good ol' fashion nightmare
ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahh)

Steel was sitting in his usual position before introducing.

"Hi, I'm Tohokari-Steel and THIS is Outta the DVD-"

(electrical distortion)

"Where movies face my judgement." Rook said, now wearing Steel's clothes. Behind him was what looked like Tohokari-Steel, but was wearing a purple coat, swirly Insano goggles, gloves, and what looked like doctor scrubs.

"IT WORKED!" he proclaimed, "MY RESEARCH ON REALITY WARPING HAS FINALLY YIELDED THE EXPECTED RESULTS!"

Rook was surprised.

"Dr...RookSano!?!" he yelled. "No...Tokohari-Sano!?! There's too many Insanos to count."

"Indeed, you simple twit! I am Doctor Tohokari-Sano!" Tohokari-Sano replied with a maniacal laugh, "I come from a universe radically different from yours! For instrance, in MY universe, Stephanie Meyer writes vampire novels!"

"She wrote vampire novels in this one, too." Rook pointed out, using the term 'wrote' because of what happened a few months ago.

"GOOD ones." Steel stated.

"Huh, that WOULD be radically different..." Rook murmured before asking, "So, in YOUR universe, would I be Tohokari-Rook or Tohokari-Knight or something?"

"What?" Tohokari-Sano asked, looking somewhat confused, "No. That'd be ridiculous."

"But..."

"SILENCE!" Tohokari-Sano barked, "If you recall what happened last May, you'd remember what caused the massive reality warp that ripped through Planet Insania! That was MY doing! But, apparently, subjecting someone to TWO issues wasn't enough! So, I have a THIRD issue for you to look over!"

"YOU INSANE FIEND!!!" Rook yelled. "I'm not going through THAT pants-crapping insane man's crap again!!! Two was bad enough, but you're going through more of the series!?!"

"Well, you get the same result by watching a sequel to any Jim Carrey movie." Tohokari-Sano said, casually, "I think I have Son of the Mask somewhere around here..."

Rook then flinched, remembering his LAST encounter with a Jim Carrey Movie sequel.

"ALRIGHT, I'LL READ THEM!!!" Rook yelled. "I've already experienced TWO bad Jim Carrey-esque sequels already! Don't make me go through another!!!"

"EXCELLENT!" Tohokari-Sano proclaimed, "And, as you're reading that, expect MORE shifts in reality!"

"Yes, you heard him right." Steel said, unenthusiastically, "We're reviewing Sonichu again, written and drawn by lulcow Christian Weston Chandler. If you don't know who he is, aside from making Sonichu, he's known for going onto YouTube and saying the most childish, disturbing, or completely insane things imaginable. This is the last completed issue and the one with the most problems—Sonichu #10. I'll try my best to summarize previous events in the comic as best as I can: Chris Chan gets sucked into a time void as actually a kinda clever way to remove himself from the story...but being the ego-freak that he is, OF COURSE he had to bring himself back in through some convuluted means."

"As a fellow Aspie myself," Rook said, dressed as King Arthur, "I'd have to say I'd rather watch Generation 3 My Little Pony..."

"That says a LOT coming from you," Wandrex replied, in the Patsy uniform.

"Shut up, Patsy! Horses don't talk!" Rook snapped.

"Our comic opens up with the new faux-anime look to it that it's actually kinda painful to look at." Steel said, "Wild Sonichu and Magi-chan Sonichu (the one that freaked out Steelock Holmes in the last review) pull Chris out of the time void. How bad is the dialogue...just read it."

(Magi-chan: It's been about nine months. Miss Amber was able to maintain the city duties well, but she grows tired and stressed from having to cope with it. She put up some billboards and fliers wishing you would come back. We all missed you.)

"There are a number of things wrong with that statement." Steelock Holmes stated, "First of all, that is a block of exposition. Most web comics try to avoid those if they can, at least the ones I've read. Second, how in any way would putting up billboards and fliers wishing for him to come back help in any way? I...deduce, dear readers."

Xem-Wattson handed Steelock a violin, which he immediately began to play. He was interrupted by a phone. He quickly snatched it up and answered it.

"Hello, Steel!" replied a voice that sounded a lot like E350...only now with a Scottish accent, "I have heard about your current plight and I have taken a force of over twenty thousand Scotsmen to Charlottesville, Virginia in order to exterminate this idiotic, autistic manchild!"

(Virginia...)

E350, who was wearing a kilt and blue war paint on his face thrust a sword into the air and proclaimed, "He may take our sanity, but he will NEVER take OUR CRITICAL MINDS!"

The Scotsmen delivered a chorus of war cries before charging forward.

(Credit to E350 for that scene...I had to change it a little, but he still gets credit for that.)

(Indiana...)

"I'm not sure if that's the reality warp or just E350 being...himself." Rook said with a shrug.

"So, then, Chris Chan says that in a mere six years' time, he'll be married to a lady named Lovely Weather." Steel continued.

(Bender: Heheheh...oh, wait, you're serious. Lemme laugh even harder. BAHAHAHAHA!)

"He also goes on to say that in 2015, people will be finding a CURE to homosexuality. I kid you not, a CURE for being gay in just three years." Steel said, "I have reservations where that subject's concerned, I'm not ashamed to admit, but this is where I just have to shake my head at this."

"Yes, because, as we ALL know, homosexuality is a disease of some form." Xemnas1992 said, sarcastically, as LoonSano leered at him, "Also, being sarcastic is caused by a brain tumor and being hyperactive is caused by a birth-defect."

Xem's face fell before saying, "Y'know what? SCREW THIS, I'm goin' home!"

Xem stood up to leave, but LoonSano shoved him back down.

"But seriously," Rook said, "this just shows us that our 'hero' is a homophobic stalker. Lovely Weather needs to run as fast and as far away as she possibly can, because when he said that, he may have adjusted the timeline a bit so that he WON'T. Even worse, the guy happens to have a LOT of creepy stuff in his bedroom, if Slowbeef and Diabetus are to be believed."

There was a record scratch as everyone looks at him.

"Webcam Ward," he said. "Final Episode. When you see it, you'll (CENSORED) bricks."

WandSano just "shaved" his beard.

"So, he gives Magi-chan (who is NOT Japanese, by the way) one of the Sonichu Crystal Balls and tells him to go to the future and get some of the gay cure." Steel continued, "Yippie."

(Zigzag: I'm taking my balls and leaving!)

"Anyway, Chris Chan tells the members of CWCville to equip his Transformers knock-off with a PS3 and the members of his crap band to go to 4_Cent Garbage." Steel said, "For those of you who don't know, 4_Cent Garbage is Chris' interpretation of Encycolpedia Dramatica and 4-Chan. Yes, it IS a straw-man for Christ to beat on like a politican while simultaneously feeding the trolls."

"You poor fools are unaware that feeding the trolls only makes them come back for more." Chaos stated, "Ignorance is your strongest weapon against them."

"Chris Chan then turns into his fursona and runs off to his place." Steel continued.

"I'm sorry," Rook said, wearing a certain Slifer Red jacket, "but when I look at this...thing, I can't help but think of better ways to fuse Sonic and Pikachu."

"Where'd you get that jacket?" Dr. RookSano asked him, wearing a certain uniform.

"That's not important. The point is, this guy can't take a joke. Heck, I'm almost afraid of what might happen if this guy gets a PonySona. Heck, on TVTropes, the guy's got more of the Red Link club than anyone else there."

"We resume following Chris Chan as he arrives home and is attacked by a swarm of mutated troll dolls-what the Helm's Deep is up with that?" Steel asked.

(Chris Chan: Shoot! Looks like a few of those suckas hacked in already! They only want me...I will oblige!)

(Begins beating up trolls, turning one into an axe and beginning to thrash the others.)

"One bland fight scene later, he then goes into THIS PSA about video game ratings..."

(Chris Chan: M is for "Moof"; don't be a moof or aloof, keep it to E or T for children, or give viewer discretion or supervision during gameplay. Even though I have enjoyed "Brutal Legend", starring Jack Black.)

"REALLY? You're REALLY telling people to bump M-rated video games down to E or T-rating?" Steel asked, in his Black Dino Ranger uniform, "You want blood-spattered games like Call of Duty, God of War (which YOU play, by the way), or Halo to be rated E or T and the best argument you have for this is to include parental supervision?!"

"The man doesn't even REALIZE that those games are rated M for a REASON!!!" was what Rook said, wearing a red scarf around his neck along with his black jacket. "Blood and Gore can't exactly pass for Teens, especially since there are a lot of nervous mothers who tend to blame this stuff on Video Games in the first place. Doubly so for Grand Theft Auto, so there's only one thing we CAN do with this statement."

(Kuni: STUPID! YOU'RE SO STUPID!)

"Our hero, ladies and gentlemen," Iron replied, switching with Rook.

"So, Chris warps his stuff to his mayoral office before blowing up his house...I'm not gonna question that." Steel said, "We then cut to the 4_Cent Garbage building where Jason Kendrick Howell, the head of the place but was actually in charge of CWC's ED page, is playing X-Box. OOH! He's so evil because he likes X-Box! We then suddenly see a Sack Boy from Little Big Planet telling us to buy the game for the PS3 and not the other consoles."

"Listen, my good sir," Steel said, looking like Jerry Lewis as AbeSano looked at him, "I am not the best sort of informant-type person to give info on gaming systems and I do not research much of video games, but weren't BOTH Little Big Planet video games only for the PS3? With the exclusiveness and the 'only here' and the you're acting like an idiot? Nyuh-hey."

"GOOD LORD, this webcomic is horrible!" was what Deadpool yelled. "Why would this moron think that anyone would want to READ this, much less make countless issues of it!!!"

Before Deadpool could continue, Rook walked in.

"Wade, I just went to take a bathroom break and you're doing my review?"

Deadpool then chuckled, then ran out, leaving a confused Rook behind.

"Why did people want this moron to return?" was what Wandrex asked them.

"We want someone to laugh at who isn't us." Tohokari-Sano answered.

"Chris goes to 4_Cent Garbage, where a cage suddenly falls on him." Steel said, "And it turns out that someone behind him is THE DEVIL! What happens next is the Devil stealing Chris' medallion and trying to use his medallion's power, but to no avail." Steel continued, "It turns out that it's Chris' freakin' HIGH-SCHOOL RING that's the true source of his power."

"I'm serious!" Steel said as a stuffed dog with a white snout and an Insano stuffed otter, "This Macguffin is so out of left-field that I'm still astounded as to how out-of-the-blue it is! The weapons I use come the heck out of nowhere, but not on THIS scale!"

"I'm adorable, but alone..." RookSano said.

(STATIC)

Mio Kimura, being in the clothes of Alexander "Sasha" Nicholavech Hell, walked downstairs from her room into the living room of the boarding house she lived in.

"Well, dressed like this can't be TOO bad." She then faced her friends curiously.

"Guys?"

The main eight Hetalia guys were there in front of her, each dressed like a Queen's Blade girl!

"Holy crap! How'd we get into these SKIMPY OUTFITS?!!?" America yelled, dressed like Nowa.

"The only vering my crotch…are LEAVES?!" Britain looked at himself, dressed like Alleyne.

"The only thing covering MY crotch is a SNAKE!" China yelled worriedly, dressed like Echidna. "What species is this?! I don't want it biting me to death!"

Japan, in Tomoe's miko outfit, sighed. "At reast the important parts of my body are covered."

"Same here," France answered, being in Airi's maid outfit.

Mio looked at Russia in Melona's getup, feeling awkward. "I have nothing to say."

"I *am* a little embarrassed," Russia admitted.

"AAAAAAAA-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" The Heavy Weapons Guy outside the window laughed at them, joined by the other Team Fortress 2 guys. "Motherlands are so girly, they're wearing ecchi garments!"

"Vell, vhat are YOU dressed like?!" Germany, in Claudette's getup, yelled back at him, accompanied by Italy who was in Leina's armor.

"Pokemon trainers," Heavy replied guiltily, shown to be wearing such along with the others.

(STATIC)

(Credit to KitsuneAlchemist for that scene)

Rook then was seen wearing a fedora and detective's outfit while Wandrex was wearing green and a vest. Both of them were wearing a certain driver...with Wandrex holding a Green Memory and Rook holding a purple one.

"After THAT little scene involving that bit of madness," Rook said, "we're then treated with THIS scene."

"Chris Chan goes up to a picture of some dude named Jimmy Hill and blows his teeth out." Steel said, "Why? I don't know. Bugs Bunny's also there to put him down and I'm confused by that as well."

(Bugs Bunny: Ain't I a stinkuh?)

"He then fights his (homosexual) clone, Naitsirhc." Steel said, "The fight scene is actually decently-drawn...which leads me to believe that it was traced from a Sonic comic. The two fight each other to a stand-still, but..."

(Chris Chan: (stabs Naitsirhc in chest with serringe) Drink my blood!)

"Dude, he just stabbed the guy in the solar plexis!" Kitten Hachi-chan said in Wildrook's voice, "That means he's as good as dead! And that line is about as gay as humanely possible coming from the guy who's CONSTANTLY trying to prove he's straight." Kitty then froze and looked at SaireSano, "Hey, is there something different?"

"Nope, you look just as masculine as ever." Saire replied in Tohokari-Sano's voice.

"So, after that bit of insanity which makes the Ultimate Warrior and Meyer's work look SANE in comparison," Rook said, almost REGRETTING saying that last part, "let's just say the inner-workings of the mind of ChrisChan tends to be MORE insane than those two COMBINED...and it SHOWS in certain parts."

"So, the band assembles (including Chris' "COPYRIGHTED" Autobot, Son-Chu) before breaking the wall separating fiction and reality...with badly-edited in photos of himself playing Guitar Hero." Steel said, "He then sings a song called 'Revive Zordon' and causes the 4_Cent Garbage building to collapse."

"Of course, it makes sense for the building to collapse. WE CAN'T REVIVE ZORDON!!!" RookSano shouted.

"For those that don't know," Rook said, "in the finale of Power Rangers in Space, Zordon told Andros to break the chamber that's keeping him alive in order to create a 'purge evil' wave that managed to get rid of every evil that had plagued the Zordon Era...and turned Rita, Zedd, and Divatox into semi-normal people and Rita's real name was Udonna, who was introduced in Power Rangers Mystic Force...or so we think. It's a reference to MagiMother's previous role as Bandora. Why the song is stupid? Well...the purge evil wave was Zordon's dying moment of awesome...and it would be senseless to revive Zordon after something like THAT."

"So why in the name of all that is holy would you sing a song about reviving someone whose sacrifice saved millions of lives!?!" RookSano yelled, dressed in the Lord Zedd outfit. "I can't stress this enough...ChrisChan's stupidity is enough to destroy civilizations. The song has nothing to do with the plot, the man is a walking Big-Lipped Alligator Moment to end them all, and EVERYONE AROUND HIM IS DUMBER THAN HE IS IN THIS WHOLE SERIES!!!"

He then growled.

"You done?" Rook asked him.

"Yeah...yeah I am..."

Steel then continued, "Jason says 'Screw it, I'm going home'-"

"Which is what I wanna do!" Xem shouted before standing up only to get restrained by RookSano, "PLEASE! HAVE MERCY ON ME!"

"Oh, you're the first experiment I'm going to work on later, trust me." RookSano replied.

"Anyway, back in the comic, we join in Clyde Cash and Jack Thaddeus (two of Chris' more classic trolls) being confronted by the Devil again." Steel said, "Then we get...ugh, THIS..."

(Jack: AAUGH! Game over!)

(Clyde: Yep. Hey, Red, didn't Chrissy kill you a while ago?)

(Devil: Yes, Christian killed me with his Hyper Beam, but where was I going to go, Detroit? No.)

"This joke was brought to you by South Park." Madness Abe said with GokiburInsano leering at him.

(Devil: This trolling gig is my Hell. And after this building's crumbling fall, I will be d***ed to aid that Count Graduon. I was main assistant to Adolf Hitler; biggest mistake ever. *spits* Right in the Fuher's face (Note: misspelled Fuhrer). You, Clyde Cash and Thaddius, for being homos, you both will have the minion devils gnawing and gnashing your a**es for all eternity. Not only for being homos, but for trolling and slandering and tarnishing an innocent man's name and darkening your own kind's name among the view of not only Christian, but to everyone in the entire world.)

Rook's nose then bled.

"You okay, Rook?" Tokohari-Sano asked him.

"Yeah," Rook replied. "Just had an aneurysm from sheer stupidity, ChrisChan being a homophobic buttcrack, and the fact that the Devil is out of character."

"Why that last part?"

"Because it's Satan!!! He's not supposed to acknowledge a guy like that...HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE EXPECTING CHRIS-CHAN ON THE LIST OF TORTURE CHAMBERS!!! Him and everyone ASSOCIATED with this idiotic series and praising him!!! Besides, IT'S SATAN! Those trolls were doing their job, and they'd probably go through LESSER HELLS than the one reserved for ChrisChan, which is the NINTH level, I'm guessing."

He then groaned.

"It's official. Christian Weston Chandler...calling you a hack would be an insult to hacks everywhere. What you are...I can't say. Can someone help me out here!?! I'm about to KILL someone here!!!"

(Chevy Chase: I want him brought here...with a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, (CENSORED)less, hopeless, HEARTLESS, fat(CENSORED), bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of MONKEY (CENSORED) HE IS! HALLELUJAH! HOLY (CENSORED), where's the Tylenol!?!)

"Yup..." Rook said. "That would sum up how I would react to ChrisChan on my front door."

"So, Jack and Clyde elect to have a beautiful death by jumping down an elevator shaft as the building collapses." Steel said, "We then learn that there were fifteen hundred people in that building and only half of them survived."

(Chris Chan: (sighs with teary eyes) What a waste...every last one of those people could have done a lot more with their lives, but instead, they wasted their time spying, hacking, and torturing innocents.)

(Green Goblin: Don't play innocent with me...)

"It's a bit late to go all teary-eyed after you just admitted to killing hundreds of people, YOU FRIGGIN' PSYCHO!" Gokiburi Prince shouted as E-Sano began firing a Tommy gun in random directions.

"Later, Chris Chan makes out with Meg Griffin, who turns out to be Silvana, an EVIL Rosechu from earlier who's a futanari." Steel continued, "Don't know what that is? I'm not gonna tell ya."

(Meg Griffin: How come I get all the non-speaking parts?)

(Peter Griffin/Han Solo: Shut up, Meg.)

Wildrook, who now sported a Charlie Chaplin mustache moved his lips.

Tohokari-Sano: I say, dear chap, looks like you've just trolled yourself.

Wildrook: By the way, where is that piano noodling coming from? And why did the format suddenly shift to script when we started talking?

Tohokari-Sano seemed like he was explaining something. He put on a dean's cap before pulling up a blackboard and writing a complex formula down and put the chalk away with a pleased expression.

Tohokari-Sano: I dunno.

"We're then treated to another exposition block about how homosexuality is cured by spiking the water supply." Steel said.

"NEWS FLASH!!!" was what Rook said, dressed as a news anchor. "HOMOSEXUALITY DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY, GOODNIGHT!!!"

"There was ANOTHER guy who wanted to do that...spoke in German, had a neat little mustache, seemed a bit on the psychotic side..." Sovereign64 said, dressed as a Knight Templar.

(Hitler: (in German) I SHOULD HAVE HAD ALL THE HIGH-RANKING OFFICIALS LIQUIDATED LIKE STALIN DID!!!)

"But THAT's not the best part." Steel said, "It's THIS..."

(Chris Chan: I personally want to extend my apologies for offending a bunch of homosexual people and others in the past few pages. I have states, time and time again, that I, Christian Weston Chandler, am and always have been a straight man, and, unless stated otherwise of a few, the majority of my characters--including Sonichu and Rosechu, are all straight too. Finally, I have drilled those facts into y'all's thick skulls successfully. While, I DO feel this success, I feel remorse because of a decrease in fan support. Regardless of y'all's race, orientation, "love us" or "hate-and-troll" us, I would probably ended this early book #3 without your support and all. You are what you all are, and I am heterosexual. And I deeply apologize for offending y'all.)

"Wow." Steel said, clearly unimpressed, "Just WOW."

"Seriously," Lunatic said as XemSano was waxing his surfboard...which had a blaster on it, "You can NOT just back pedal like that after all those homophobic comments and scenes! People DIED for no other reason than for being gay! It's on par with ME saying Obama's alright after all those tangents I made on the guy."

"AND THAT'S IT!!!" Rook yelled. "All it did was prove that you were a homophobic, drug-crazed, insult-to-hack, pile of Monkey Crap! You're not sorry at all!"

"And I know you're not because you made THE DEVIL hate homosexuals when he REALLY doesn't give a crap!!! Joe Quesada's One More Day is more read-worthy than THIS crap!!!" Sovereign64 screamed.

"But WAIT, there's MORE!" Steel shouted, "Sonichu and Chris Chan use the Seven Sonichu Balls to turn into Ultra Sonichu and Colossal Chan...who is the same size he was earlier and looks like a hobo wearing a blue Pikachu hat. Chris goes off to pull his imaginary sister out of the magic mirror she was trapped in earlier in the series and Sonichu goes off to wake someone up...in a position similar to Jesus."

"What were they smokin' to make somethin' like that?" Bindi the Skunk asked as the entire room was filled in smoke and she was wearing loose, multi-colored clothing, had pink sunglasses, and was smoking a bong, "All ya need to do is remember love and peace and everythin's gonna turn out right, maaaan..."

"The two then go to Minnesota and arrive at the house of Alec Benson Leary." Steel said, "If you're an unfortunate soul like I am and did research on this manchild, you'll doubtlessly have come across the spoof series, Asperchu...which was basically a parody of Chris Chan. Chris Chan deletes all of Alec's data and Sonichu makes a rather hypocritical statement about his comics being 'badly drawn'."

"Chris, I've seen Alec's drawings and they're STILL better than yours." Steel stated, wearing his old Marvel shirt.

"TOHOKARI-STEEL!" Doopliss proclaimed, floating in through the door, "I AM HERE TO CHALLENGE YOU TO-"

"Who're you?" Steel asked, looking confused.

"I'm Doopliss, your arch-nemesis!" Doopliss proclaimed.

"I thought HE was my arch-nemesis." Steel said, jabbing a thumb at Shadow-DJ, who simply waved.

"I'll be in the corner..." Doopliss murmured, floating away, looking rather pitiful.

There was a skronk as the Ultimate Warrior-Rook had appeared.

"THIS COMIC FAILS IN THE AMOUNT OF DESTRUCITY! YOUR HANDS OF DEATH CANNOT DEFEAT ME! YOUR SISTERS OF FATE COULD NOT HOLD ME! AND YOU WILL NOT SEE THE END OF THIS DAY, TOKARI-STEEL, BECAUSE YOU WILL MEET YOUR END AT THE END OF THE WARRIOR-ROOK!" he yelled. "LA-LI-LU-LE-LO! LA-LI-LU-LE-LO! LA-LI-LU-LE-LO!!! I NEED SCISSORS SIXTY-ONE!!!!"

"He then goes out and meets with the Sonichu clones from Asperchu, who more or less greet him as a god." Steel said, "And, as if stepping on the toes of every homosexual on the planet wasn't enough, he goes for the GOLD."

(Wild Sonichu clone: He cursed us seven with his own Aspergers and negative influances.)

(Magi-Chan Clone: I used to have my psychic powers, but Alec numbed my mind with the Aspergers...)

(Asperchu: We never wanted Aspergers; we never wanted to look stupid, gross, and retarded.)

Sarge Ray looked enfuriated as he simply asked one question, "WHAT?"

"Yes, Chris Chan hates Aspergers, claiming that Aspies are simply trying to steal the limelight away from High-Functioning Autistics and says that they're fakers." Steel said, "He even made a video where he hit Hans Asperger HIMSELF, even though that man's research helped differentiate autistics from psychopaths."

"I net, on otkazyvaet·sya veritʹ, chto yego mysli vse menʹshe pravdy. Yego Vlogs pokazali neskolʹko raz , chto on schitaet , chto eto pravda i prevrashchaet svoĭ nos v vopiyushchyee dokazatelʹstvo togo, chto govorit ob obratnom." BladeLordQwest said in Russian while dressed in Spetsnaz commando uniform.

(Translated: And no, he refuses to believe that his thoughts are anything less than the truth. His vlogs have shown multiple times that he believes this to be true and turns up his nose at the glaring evidence that suggests otherwise.)

"APPALACHIAN RAGE!!!" Rook screamed out loud, punching RookSano in the face.

"APPALACHIAN RAGE!!!" Rook yelled, hitting his head with a pillow. He then took a breath and yelled the same thing into the pillow.

"APPALACHIAN RAGE!!!" Rook yelled, getting a Pepsi Can, but hit his head. "Ow..."

"APPALACHIAN RAGE!!!" Rook yelled, running around as BladeLordQwest sighed in irritation.

He then ran into BladeLordQwest.

"APPALACHIAN RA—" He then got punched. "THANKS."

"No problem." He replied in a thick, East European accent.

"And so, Sonichu uses his powers to cure them of their Aspergers." Steel continued.

Steel now had sunglasses, was wearing a blonde wig and a pink version of his Kool-Aid shirt. He then said, in a valley girl voice, "Chrissy, sayin' things that ya don't like are diseases is like TOTALLLLY not cool..."

Reality shifted, winding up with Steel in his regular garbs next to RookSano.

"Good timing." Steel whimpered, "That last one was HORRIBLE..."

"Chris Chan then arrives and the other Sonichus and Rosechus kneel before him and worship him." Steel continued.

(Chris Chan: Oh, listen. Y'all, I am not a god, just a servant of Him and Jesus. The First Commandment says 'Thou shalt not have any other gods before me'...but I appreciate the gesture.)

"Oh, zat ees nice, Chris." Sarge Ray said in a French accent as he smoked a long cigarette and wore a stripy mime shirt, "But are you aware of ZESE commandments as well?"

(Thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not covet, thou shalt not commit adultery, honor thy father and mother.)

"Qu'est-ce qu'un crétin..." Ray muttered in French before smoking his cigarette...and bursting into coughing a second later.

(Translated: What a moron...)

"Unfortunately, we're not done YET. God help me..." Steel murmured, "The two fight Metal Asperchu and, of course, win. And what do we get after THAT? ANOTHER block of text!"

"Spare me your insane rambling." E350 said as he wore a Batman outfit and Tohokari-Sano was wearing a Superman uniform.

"The next scene shows that Chris Chan went to fight Mary Lee Walsh (later renamed Slaweel Ryam), y'know the witch based on the college teacher who took down Chris' Attraction Sign because it was soliciting sex? Yeah, she was basically doing her job and Chris labeled her as 'demonic'. Then again, considering this guy says that mall cops aren't TRUE policemen because they tossed him out of a mall for stalking and loitering, it should come as no surprise that he says any authority figure is a villain because they don't let him have his way."

"I'd make an Occupy Wall Street joke, but lets face it, any Republican already has." se507 shrugged before asking, "Wait...who am I again?"

"So, Chris uses electric versions of Kratos' Blades of Exile...or Blades of Chaos, I dunno which one. Heck, I never played God of War." Steel said.

SaireNaoriva mouthed something that was probably 'WTF'.

"Yeah, I don't get it either." Steel said, "Anyway, the two fight and Chris wins."

(M. Bison: OF COURSE!)

"Black Hole Sue," Rook said, on guitar and mock-singing with Tokohari-Sano, "won't you come...and wash away the plot?"

"Considering who wrote this crap," Rook said, "it's no surprise he would win. I mean, seriously, guys like this tend to stick out because they're powerful, bland, and well-liked in their universe while in real life, they're just nobodies."

"Hey," Wandrex said, "at LEAST we've got more characterization..."

"Not THAT kind of Nobody!" Rook yelled, dressed like Terra.

"Oh..."

"It's especially jarring in fanfiction, too."

"We then cut to the CWCVille Mall, where Chris delivers a speech that basically talks down to all the trolls he got as we get probably the most precise assassination ever." Steel said, "A Rosechu named Simonla goes into the restroom and gets blown up by a VOLTORB that was hidden there. Why is this so precise? Take into account that the person who placed it there would HAVE to know where she would sit down. Anyway, the girl's killed and leaves Wild to raise their daughter as a single father...did I just step into another comic for a second?"

"Believe me, I wish I DID." Dimentio said, "Any comic would be better than this crap heap!"

A reality shift occurred and Dimentio was wearing a bikini and standing next to Dimentia, who was wearing a Gothic Lolita outfit and carrying a scythe. The two didn't speak, but simply shook their heads.

"And that contributes ALMOST nothing to the story...or whatever it's supposed to be." Steel said, "We cut to a courtroom, where the Asperpedia Four (Evan, Sean, Alec, and Mao) are on trial. Considering what I've read about this, it's gonna be a little sweetheart of a scene."

(Judge: This kind of trial is my specialty, because the website of defendants, the Asperpedia, makes me want to take a bath full of scorching water and a toaster!)

"And this proves Chris' knowledge on the justice system." Steel said, "Here's the first strike—the judge is CLEARLY biased in this matter! Anyway, the prosecutor (who's "originally" named Marvey Blaziken) goes on a tangent and we see ANOTHER flaw in this—the defendents aren't given a proper lawyer!"

OBJECTION!

"Your honor!" Lunatic proclaimed, dressed as Phoenix Wright, "I suggest that this case be thrown out as this clearly shows the makings of a dystopian, Third World society!"

(Gavel hit...)

"Overruled because of who wrote this drivel," was what RaySano, dressed as Judge, said.

"To call this trial a Kangaroo Court would be an insult to them," Plague said, dressed as Miles Edgeworth.

"He has a point," Rook said. "This judge makes the one from the Ace Attorney games look smart, and that's not an easy feat considering that game series was flanderized from Japan's judicial system, but in this court, even the CROWD looks like they've been bribed, let alone the jury...and we don't freakin' SEE them!"

In space, two aliens named Blaax and Bloorx were observing the happenings.

"Foolish Earthling, totally unprepared for the effects of Sonichu!" Blaax proclaimed. The two then burst into maniacal laughter...before electricity coursed through the ship, resulting in Blaax having the head of a white dog with a red bow tie and glasses while Bloorx had the head of a boy with thick glasses and red hair.

"What happened to us, Blaax?" Bloorx asked.

"Quiet you!" Blaax snapped.

Back on Earth, the review continued.

"Long story short, the judge finds the four guilty and sentences them to death." Steel said, "At THIS point, it's time for my obligatory Zelda CD-i scene..."

(Ganon: You will DIE!)

"And we may continue the scene." Steel said, "Alec is electrocuted until he's only a charred husk while Evan gets one of the more memorable deaths by being TORTURED TO DEATH BY THE LITTLE GIRL!"

"Tortured by a LITTLE GIRL?!" Ray shouted, imitating Mr. Toomey from 'The Langoliers'.

"It's almost like something out of a docudrama about Stalin's reign—innocent people being sentenced to death in a twisted justice system!" Steel said, "It's kinda hard to watch!"

"DUUUDE! This kinda stuff is NOT radical!" Cooly McAwesome exclaimed, "I mean, how can ya do somethin' like this in a comic that YOU say is meant for the little kids!"

"Normally, the judicial system takes weeks to gather evidence through forensic science," Rook said, "fingerprints and everything, but considering who's writing this, even the stuff seen on CSI isn't exactly working for the defendants. Then again, why am I applying logic in a Sonichu comic? From what I can tell, some of the verdicts can't exactly BE on any sane reason why they're guilty, but unfortunately, the crimes in this universe, besides murder and parking tickets, would include homosexuality, being in the wrong religion, and being retarded."

There was a pause.

"Come to think of it, this goes back to the Black Hole Sue joke I made earlier. If ChrisChan WERE tried for court, if he wasn't the closest thing to the Second Coming, he'd be given the death sentence for being...himself."

"Next up is Sean, who was shot to death..."

"Okay, this is officially cruel and unusual punishment." Insanus Abe said, dressed as Master Chief, as DoopSano hovered in the background. He suddenly looked over as Madness Abe (dressed as Leonidas stepped up).

"EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!" Warrior-Rook yelled, "MADNESS ABE!!! VERSUS!!! INSANUS ABE!!! BEGIN!!!"

Madness Abe: SPARTANS! Let's start this! Show this petty officer who's the hardest! The biggest mistake you ever made! I'll toss you like a frag grenade! I'll stomp you in the face with my sandals enraged! And tonight we shall rhyme in the shade! Your puny fans are fat nerds on computers! (CENSORED) to games, givin' 'em first person shooters! Your armor's hard, but my abs are harder! You're in my hood now, Chief! THIS...IS...SPARTA!

Insanus Abe: Not so fast, Cortana says you're Greek, so why don't you stick these lyrics up your (CENSORED). They built a monument to my sins you're a soldier they need you to be. Ain't no way that you can beat me! Even my initals spell MC! While you and your companions were all campin' in a canyon, took a campaign to your house and showed your queen my (CENSORED). They shoulda thrown your rhymes over the cliff because they're sickly! You will not enjoy this, but it WILL be over quickly!

(Credit to Madness Abe for that scene.)

"Yes." Ask TLSoulDude said as he passed by...and had five heads.

"And finally, it's Mao who gets all of his limbs broken by Chris' psychic powers and his heart pulled out of his chest." Steel concluded.

"Okay, apparently, Chris Chan is judge, jury, and executioner," Rook said. "And no, I'm not doing the Judge Dredd reference. The man doesn't exactly deserve that because some of the stuff Chris would be doing would have him given the death penalty TWENTY times over."

He then growled.

"YOU BETRAYED SHIVA!" Steel proclaimed, bursting in, dressed as Indiana Jones.

"Oh crap." was what RookSano said, dressed as the tribal guy who extracted hearts.

"However, knowing the mind of the guy who WROTE this crap," Rook said, "this is justified. News flash—executions are done by syringes and electric chairs these days, and back in times before America became the country it was today, there was the Guillotine. And using a little girl for one of them is something along the mindset of Charles (CENSORED)ing MANSON!!!"

"And our comic ends with Chris rubbing his own ego and ripping off Independence Day and that concludes the issue." Steel concluded.

"THIS...SERIES...SUCKS!!!" Steel screamed, "It's poorly-written, poorly-drawn, when it's not insulting, it's freakin' disturbing! And Christian Weston Chandler deserves the most scorn of all for basing this comic around things that happened to HIM, meaning we have to dig deeper into his insanity!"

That's when the door burst open, revealing...ROOKSANO!?!

"Not so fast," the insane double of Rook said. "I recognize the foul stench of insanity...someone's been reviewing a REALLY bad web-comic. One that dives into the warped mind of the author himself!!!"

"Indeed, it does!" Tohokari-Sano proclaimed, "And my plan of merging all realities is at hand!"

"I'm leaving at this point..." Steel said, nervously, as he ran off.

"All realities!?!" RookSano yelled. "I know it's in the name, but I'm here to end this madness. An amateur like you couldn't handle the science involved with merging realities!"

"BAH! YOU are the amateur!" Tohokari-Sano shot back, "You haven't the guts to do what I attempt to do! With my reality-bending SCIENCE, I shall bring up AN ARMY OF INSANO CLONES TO DESTROY YOU!"

"Two can play at this game, you talentless derivative!" RookSano yelled, bringing up a device.

Tohokari-Sano clicked a device. In flashes of light, BindiSano, XemSano, RaySano, AbeSano, KitsuneSano, and ESano appeared on Tohokari-Sano's side. On RookSano's side appeared SaireSano, DoopSano, GokiburInsano, D-Sano, KittSano, and LoonSano.

"Now to business," RookSano said, pulling two things that grab stuff from far away out. "Fear the power of my robotic grabby things!!!"

"You think those robotic grabby things are great? I have REAL weaponry! Like a Magic Musket!" Tohokari-Sano proclaimed, pulling a musket off his back and firing.

"Point," RookSano said, "but I brought this."

He then brought out a plasma gun and fired at Tokohari-Sano.

Tohokari-Sano cackled as he fired his musket. The other Insanos began fighting with each other as SaireSano was simply laughing in the middle of the floor.

BindiSano held out a taser and electrocuted DoopSano. ESano randomly shot a Tommy Gun at the ceiling. LoonSano activated a strobe-light in front of KitsuneSano.

"Uh, we all have GOGGLES, remember?" KitsuneSano asked before pulling out a phaser and blasting LoonSano.

GokiburInsano laughed out loud as he pulled out a lightsaber and began chasing XemSano, who was firing back with a blaster. SaireSano looked up, shrugged, and continued laughing as ESano continued firing his Tommy Gun.

RaySano rushed over and punched KittSano in the face three times before KittSano pulled off her stethoscope and began strangling RaySano with it. She then put the ear-pieces into RaySano's ears before screaming into it. The result was RaySano letting out a silent scream.

AbeSano and D-Sano rushed towards each other, but wound up blasting each other into separate walls.

RookSano had fired back as he and Tohokari-Sano were in a gunfight between each other.

"Wait!" Tohokari-Sano shouted, "Why are we fighting? We should be working together!"

RookSano then realized something.

"You have a point there," he said. "One Insano is a bit of a fear alone, but two Insanos...think of the GADGETS and ROBOTS we can build!!!"

"Allied, we could be gods of SCIENCE!" Tohokari-Sano proclaimed.

"AND THERE WOULD BE NO ONE TO STOP US!!!" RookSano yelled as they went into a maniacal laugh.

"EVERYONE!" Tohokari-Sano proclaimed as the other Insanos ceased their fighting, "We have put aside our differences! We are on the same team now! Now, to CONQUER THE-"

"Hold it." Steel said, standing in front of the door, "I think you're forgetting about us..."

Steel swung the door open to show an entire army of Planet Insania members.

Rook then groaned as he looked at RookSano.

"You and I are going to have a LONG talk after this." he said, glaring at his Insano counterpart.

"NO ONE DISSES GAYS AND ASPIES AT THE SAME TIME!" E350 proclaimed.

"CHAAAAARGE!" Steel yelled, thrusting out his kukri knife as the Insania members rushed in to beat the living tar out of the Insanos.

(static)

RookSano's laboratory...

"NURSE!" was what RookSano yelled.

Rook then groaned. "I'm not going to call the hospital because you brought this on yourself," he said.

"Oh, shut up, freeloader."

"Hey, I'm just saying that you're too excitable for your own good." Rook then rolled his eyes. "Still, there's a side-effect to merging multiverses...I have shared the memory involving that goddamned web-comic!!!"

RookSano flinched. "I didn't even THINK of that!!!"

"Now come on," Rook said. "We're finding out what Galaxcia meant on her NOT destroying planets whose champion was defeated from..."

A familiar snicker went through the lab as a hand reached out and snatched a device.

RookSano then groaned.

"Alright, alright," he said. "Have to get rid of remaining threats before I can conquer the world..."

"No conquering," was what Rook said, glaring at him.

"Fine..." RookSano muttered. He then growled as he looked through the area...and was looking for something. "Rook, what did you do with my latest experiment?"

Rook then looked at the area.

"What!?!" he yelled, heading towards the Insano Counterpart. "Which one are we talking?"

"The gun that has an added kick to it's system..."

(Anxiety, anxiety keeps me happy.
Anxiety, anxiety keeps me happy.
Always stieff, all day long.
Nothing's right till it's all wrong.
It makes no sense until I'm tense.
Always laughing at your expense.
Anxiety, anxiety keeps me happy.
Anxiety, anxiety keeps me happy.
Always biting on my nails.
Always stiff, it never fails.
Now it on my sweaty clothes.
Anxiety, anxiety keeps me happy.
Anxiety, anxiety keeps me happy.
Always screamin' at someone.
Got a temper like a gun.
Hair trigger personality.
Anxiety keeps me hap-happy.
And I'm crazy, crazy, crazy
In a crazy world.
I'm crazy, crazy, crazy
In a crazy world.
I'm crazy, crazy, crazy
In a crazy world.
I'm crazy, crazy, crazy
In a crazy world.)

Clips Used:
Good Ol' Fashion Nightmare by Matt & Kim
Sonichu
UHF
Looney Tunes
Spider-Man
Family Guy: Blue Harvest (courtesy of Rook, not ME)
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Anxiety by the Ramones

(Bugs Bunny: Ain't I a stinkuh?)
My SECOND review of Sonichu.

Half the credit goes to Rook for making this and a shout-out to everyone who gave me ideas for scenes/moments: KitsuneAlchemist, E350, Madness Abe, and Dimentio713! Thank you so much for those ideas!

This is one of those reviews where I want to have a commentary over it with Rook. When writing this, I would always post a scene and basically let Rook react to it. I kinda felt like I was trolling him there, posting something and expecting an emotional reaction out of him. Still, I give him props.

This was actually an ideal review to do this week. I had mid-terms this week and we finished making the review in late February. All I had to do was wait for a day-off and then I could just copy and paste it with a few edits here and there.

The logo is the face of Rook (I guess) in the middle of an orange background with yellow and red spirals.

If I made any screw-ups or missed an opportunity for a joke, please inform me.

Next week's review: Eragon (Yes, the review I've been building up to is finally coming about as I review something I've labeled as one of the worst book adaptions of all time...just behind The Seeker. Also, the next arc begins...)

(Warning: Most of this was lifted from Spoony & Linkara's review of the Warrior comics...)
© 2012 - 2024 Tohokari-Steel
Comments88
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
CryptoNoah's avatar
Me dressed as Stallone from Judge Dredd: How do you plead?

Chris Chan: Not Guilty!

Me: I knew you'd say that.

*shoots Chris Chan*