Steel stepped out onto a stage. The crowd talked among themselves before he took a microphone.
“Hi, I’m Tohokari-Steel and this is usually Outta the DVD, where movies face my judgement.” Steel introduced, “Look, it’s pretty hard to come up with review ideas. I only accept movies that are only available on home video or on a movie streaming site. I don’t review movies in the theaters, that’d just make things difficult. Also, I only go for movies that are either bad enough or have enough material for me to make fun of.”
“This time, I DEFINITELY have a film with material. In 2013, a guilty pleasure to end all guilty pleasures came out.” Steel said, “It was either called the ‘Dumbest Awesome Movie of All Time’ or the ‘Most Awesome Dumb Movie of All Time’. But we all know it. It’s from the man who directed Hellboy, starring the lead from Sons of Anarchy, and seems to be every geek’s dream movie.”
“Ladies and gentlemen...” Steel said, “I’m going to review Pacific Rim.”
The crowd remained silent before cheering. Steel bowed, a proud smile on his face. Then he heard members of the audience suggesting that they should co-review it and began swarming the stage. Steel screamed as he ran as fast as he could.
(A large man with a thin mustache walked over to his closet. He pulled out a Kingdom Hearts shirt before walking out, smirking.
OUTTA THE DVD!
A serious face, a subtle face- You show a lot of faces
The man walked out with a smug look.
As Steel walked by, he passed a black katana and a jar. Two spirits emerged—a samurai warrior and a woman clad in white.
BLACK SHOGUN AND KAZUMI
Even if you're told so, you still don't know what to do
Steel waved as he passed an anthropomorphic skunk and smacked the head of an anthro tiger wearing a Hawaiian shirt. The tiger wheeled around, looking irritated.
BINDITHESKUNK AND XEMNAS1992
All people have a part they're hiding in themselves, right?
Steel yelped as a girl around his age with long, black hair and lavender eyes quickly hugged him.
Like that, like this, like there, I can't say it in words immediately
Steel got free and immediately saw a white, ferret-like creature with a long tail and small, pinkish-red eyes.
It's you who pretends to be cheerful in front of others
Steel yelled before running away as fast as he could, passing by a shinigami wearing a pink bathrobe and reading a magazine. Not far away was a short Hollow with a large mask, large three-fingered hands, and rather devious red eyes. The Hollow was hauling around a large sack as the shinigami simply sat on a red Lazy-Boy.
JERRY THE SHINIGAMI AND STEVE THE HOLLOW
And you don't whine about things, but-
Steel sighed as he entered a room, where a gray hedgehog with visor/sunglasses was working on a chain gun. He saw Steel and gave the thumbs'-up. Not far away was a man with a big, white beard, a Santa hat, a tuxedo, and a shot glass, which he raised with a grin. Next to him was a vampire, who gave Steel a mocking smirk.
COOLY MCAWESOME, SANTA BOND, AND TONY VALENTINO
Even if 100 years pass, you should be yourself; if you love me, you should shout 'I love you'
Steel sighed, remembering a blue-haired girl and a Filipino boy. A tear rolled down his cheek, but he turned and saw his team before grinning widely.
Ready Go! Fly away! Being yourself is great
Steel sighed as he put a movie into the DVD player, his team crowding around him. He glared at them briefly before sighing.
If you want to cry, you should cry to your heart's content
Steel pressed 'play' on the remote.
I'm behind you
Written by Tohokari-Steel
Theme Song: Ready, Go! By May'n)
Steel panted as he barricaded a door behind him.
“I had NO idea that the movie was THAT popular.” He muttered, darkly, “So, no point in the prologue. THIS is Pacific Rim.”
“Our movie opens up with two brief definitions of the words Kaiju and Jaeger.” Steel said, “Why? No clue, seems like a pointless exercise because we’ll basically figure it out in a minute. We then get an opening narration by Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy.”
(Charlie Hunnam: (narrating) When I was a kid, whenever I’d feel small or lonely, I’d look up at the stars. Wondered if there was life out there...)
“Wondered when dad would fix that roof...” Steel imitated.
(Charlie Hunnam: (narrating) Turns out I was looking in the wrong direction.)
“Because aliens were just to my right.” Steel imitated before adding, “I was a VERY stupid kid.”
“Actually, it’s that the alien life came from below...namely, an iTunes visualizer at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.” Steel continued, “What caused this portal to open?”
Steel thought before just saying, “Koalas.”
(Charlie Hunnam: (narrating) I was fifteen when the first Kaiju appeared in San Francisco.)
“So, a Kaiju destroys San Francisco...and nobody cares, because it was San Francisco.” Steel said.
“Don’t care.” Steel said, “However, more and more Kaiju keep appearing and the military was pretty much ineffectual. Putting aside their differences, the nations of the world decided to pool their resources and build giant robots that could take them down.”
“America willingly working with France?” Steel asked with a scoff, “Now, I KNOW this is fiction.”
“And so, the Jaegar program was created.” Steel said, “Giant robots that require two pilots (through a needlessly-complicated and confusing method called “drifting”) designed for one purpose...”
“To PUNCH MONSTERS DEAD!” Steel shouted.
“However, things start changing when we meet our protagonist, Raleigh Becket (played by Charlie Hunnam). A hotshot American pilot who struggles to maintain his accent.” Steel said.
(Raleigh: (excitedly) Level two, nicknamed Knife-head.)
“This is so unconvincing that it’s a little grating to deal with. And remember, HE’S our protagonist.” Steel said, “Give Shade credit...at least he’s SUPPOSED to have an obviously fake accent.”
“I HEARD THAT, YOU BLOODY YANK!” Shade shouted, looking out from a window before quickly asking, “Can I co-review this with you?”
“NO.” Steel deadpanned, shoving the British critic’s ladder over, sending him to the ground about three stories below.
“RULE BRITANNIA!” Shade screamed as he fell. The review simply continued.
“So, the two get suited up and get connected by drifting...a needlessly-complicated, but cool-looking neural bridge designed to connect the two pilots.” Steel said, “They then go on their way to stop their target Kaiju. It doesn’t really go as planned...”
(Kaiju runs its blade-like snout through the Jaegar’s arm, tearing it off. It then proceeds to take chunks out of the robot and eats Raleigh’s brother whole.)
“Must be Thursday.” Steel commented, “Never got the hang of Thursdays...”
“However, Raleigh manages to pilot the damaged robot long enough to blow the Kaiju to pieces and get his Jaeger to land, where he’s discovered by...snow beach combers.” Steel said.
(The older beach comber holds his metal detector up and sees the Jaegar, badly damaged.)
“Think they would’ve noticed the GIANT ROBOT coming towards them sooner...” Steel said.
“Well, it IS snowing.” Said Amily, sitting next to Steel, “However, it turns out that Raleigh’s okay, but collapses as the old man tends to him and sends his son to get help. Considering that we never see them again, I think it’s safe to assume that they both got eaten by polar bears. We then have our title...at about the seventeen minute mark before-”
“HEY!” Steel cut across, “Amily, what’re you doing here?”
“Well, I heard you were doing a review of Pacific Rim, so I figured you’d want a co-host.” Amily said.
“You thought wrong, then.” Steel said, “There’s about as much depth to this movie as a kiddie pool. I can handle this by myself!”
“Have it your way.” Amily shrugged as she walked over to the door, removed the barricade, unlocked it, and flung the door open.
“You’re a spiteful person, y’know that?” Steel asked before jumping out the window. Thankfully, Britt Shade’s unconscious form was there to cushion his fall. Steel jumped up and ran away as fast as he could, entering into another building. He opened a door and saw Bella and King Candy watching the movie.
“CRAP!” Steel thought, “It’s that nutball who works with Death Battle Steel! And...she dates King Candy, right? Well, I paired TL up with Hanabi Hyuga, so who am I to criticize?”
“I’m still telling you, these things would TOTALLY get whipped by the Autobots.” Bella said.
“What? No way.” King Candy objected. He then looked over, spotted the critic, and said, “Hi, Steel!”
Steel screamed as he slammed the door and ran off.
“Yeesh, what’s jammed up his butt?” Bella asked, munching on some popcorn.
Steel ran through the building until he got to a series of rooms, ducking into one and slamming it shut.
“So...” he said, “We cut to five years later, where stronger Kaijus are coming out in force, destroying Jaegers faster than they can build them. With that in mind, the UN shuts down the Jaeger program, instead opting to build a giant wall around the Pacific.”
“I take my previous joke back.” Steel said, “If the UN’s dismantling an effective program in favor of one that we KNOW wouldn’t work, this is clearly the most realistic film I’ve ever seen.”
“KNOCK IT OFF!” Steel shouted, kicking something off-screen. The result was a crunching noise and some sparks. Steel pulled his foot back before saying, “Don’t know my own strength.”
“However, their orders are disregarded by the marshall, Stacker Pentecost (played by Idris Elba).” Steel said, “He’s taking future meds because he used to run a Jaeger, single-handed and it caused so much strain that if he did it again, it could kill him.”
“If it feels like I just threw that in there, it’s pretty much because the movie did as well.” Steel said, “But, hey. He’s pro-active, whether anyone likes it or not, so he’s a character I can definitely root for.”
“We rejoin Raleigh as he’s helping build the coastal wall.” Steel said, “They’re doing the exact same thing in Australia and Raleigh sees how it’s going over the news.”
(Kaiju tears through the wall like it was made of cardboard.)
“Huh, a UN plan turning out to be completely ineffectual. Who’d have thought it?” Steel asked, “Seriously, did any of those bozos WATCH Attack on Titan? WALLS. DO NOT. STOP. GIANT. MONSTERS.”
“However, this Kaiju’s plan to...redecorate Sidney doesn’t go as planned as a hotshot Australian team takes it out with their Jaeger.” Steel continued, “I hope those dorks who thought the wall was a better option are feeling like complete morons...’cuz, y’know, THEY ARE.”
“Back on track, Stacker shows up at the wall and wants to recruit Raleigh back into the program.” Steel said, “He refuses because he’s still dealing with his brother’s death...and they were drifting, so that means that he saw what his brother was thinking when he died. So, no sale.”
(French Narrator: A few moments later...)
“He joins up with them because of Marshall Awesome’s speech...”
(Pentecost: Haven’t you heard? The world’s coming to an end. Where would you prefer to die? HERE or in a Jaegar?)
“DUUUUUUUDE!” Cooly exclaimed, startling Steel, “I would TOTALLY die in a Jaegar...but I can’t, ‘cuz I’ve got that AWESOME, FICTIONAL IMMORTALITY!” Cooly then looked at Steel and asked, “Can I be in the review?”
“NO.” Steel deadpanned.
“Oh, c’mon, I’ve already got a script!” Cooly exclaimed, pulling out some paper before reading aloud, “Bindi and Cooly start making out...wait, no, that’s my fanfiction.” Cooly rifled through the paper, “Ah, here we go! Cooly and Bindi start making out...”
“BUZZ OFF!” Steel shouted.
Cooly hung his head and trudged off.
“Well, that happened.” Steel commented before resuming the review, “They fly out to Hong Kong, where Pentecost meets his adopted daughter (I guess), a hot Japanese woman named Mako Mori (played by Rinko Kikuchi). Though, to be fair, she’s not really reduced to eye-candy...but she’s still hot.”
(Mako: (in Japanese) I pictured him differently...)
(Raleigh: Hey! (in Japanese) Better or worse.)
(Mako stares, open-mouthed, for a second.)
“I took acting lessons from Kristen Stewart. People usually have mouths open to catch flies, right?” Steel asked. He then added, “And yet, somehow, she’s still not as mockable as Young-Soo from Lady in the Water.”
“But the my enjoyment goes down with the introduction of THESE two...” Steel sighed.
(The three are on an elevator with new characters, Newton Geiszler and Hermann Gottlieb.)
(Newton: Stay back! Kaiju specimens are EXTREMELY rare, so look but don’t touch, please! Hermann, these are human beings. Say “hello”.)
(Hermann: I’ve asked you NOT to call me by my first name...)
(CROW: Just when I was considering NOT committing suicide, it’s all finally comin’ together for me.)
“Yep, these two (played by Charlie Day and Burn Gorman) are about as pleasant for me to watch and hear as Friday.” Steel said, “They’re obnoxious, grating to hear, their characters aren’t that developed, but they’re STILL central to the plot SOMEHOW...and I don’t particularly care for them.”
(Raleigh: So that’s your research division?)
(Pentecost: Things have changed.)
“We got a bunch of potheads in charge of casting.” Steel imitated, “Don’t question me. I’m Heimdall.”
(Pentecost: We’re not an army anymore, Mr. Becket. We’re the Resistance.)
“I’ve already called dibs on being Morpheus, so don’t get your hopes up.” Steel imitated.
“So, we’ve only got four of the giant, robot Master Chiefs remaining.” Steel said, “Half of them serve little purpose, but they’ve ALL got awesome names!”
(Pentecost: Crimson Typhoon, China. One of the greatest. That tank? Cherno Alpha. Third generation, mark one. Make no mistake, it is a lethal war machine. Herc and his son Chuck run Striker Eureka...)
“I am naming my first car that.” Steel stated.
“Meanwhile, with the duet of migraines,” Steel continued.
(Hermann: In the beginning, the spacing of the Kaiju attacks was twenty-four weeks. Then twelve, then six, then every two weeks.)
“Maybe we should STOP leaving milk for them.” Steel imitated.
(Hermann: There WILL be a double event. Then, shortly after, THREE. And then four.)
(Pentecost: And then we’re dead.)
“No, you’ll be having a pancake breakfast.” Steel said, sarcastically, “YES, YOU’LL BE DEAD.”
(Pentecost: I get it.)
“Sorry.” Steel said, looking timid.
(Hermann: THIS is where the good news comes. *goes to some form of hologram*)
“I swiped this tech from Tony Stark. It’s all KINDS of awesome.” Steel imitated.
“Actually, Stuffy McBritishGuy theorizes that if they drop a nuke into the bridge, it could collapse it.” Steel said, “Obnoxious O’MegaDork, however, thinks that all Kaiju are clones, despite looking completely different from each other. He also thinks that drifting with a piece of a Kaiju’s brain might help them understand more about them. Considering his options, Pentecost instead goes for Hermann’s plan...because he’s British.”
The door swung open and Steel ducked into the closet with a squeak.
“Hey, Steel!” Abe called, walking in, “I heard you were reviewing Pacific Rim and saw that you ducked into MY hotel room!”
“How’d I make THAT mistake?” Steel thought, remaining as quiet as he could.
“So, how about we co-review this movie together?” Abe asked, “Y’know, since we’ve NEVER done a crossover. Seriously, AIRNARUTO gets two reviews with you, but I haven’t even gotten one?”
Abe looked over the room and, when he had his back turned, Steel slunk out of the closet and quietly exited the room. He then began running until he got into the elevator and began going down.
“Anyway...” he said, “Mako and Raleigh go to see the final remaining Jaeger, which happens to be the one Raleigh and his brother used to pilot.”
(Mako: There she is.)
(Raleigh sees his old Jaeger being repaired.)
(Raleigh: Look at ‘er...Gipsy Danger.)
“Named her after a stripper.” Steel said, “It was my brother’s idea.”
“We cut to later, where backstory is happening-”
“GET TO THE ROBOTS.” Steel ordered.
“Mako wants to be a pilot, but Pentecost won’t let her because reasons.” Steel said, “Also, Mako’s English is lousy...but she’s Japanese, so she’s got an excuse.”
(Mako: I hope you approve my choices, I have studied your fighting techniques and strategies...even Alaska.)
(Raleigh: So, what do you think?)
(Mako: I think...you’re unpredictable. You have a habit from deviating from strong, combat technique.)
“I also think taking Pop-Tart breaks every half-hour is incredibly inefficient.” Steel imitated.
(Mako: You take risks that endanger you and your crew. I don’t think you’re the right man for this mission.)
“We’ll end up friends before the movie’s out, won’t we?” Steel asked as Raleigh.
“I’d say there’s a 98% chance of happening.” Steel replied as Mako.
“Later, Mako goes to Pentecost and confronts him about not being able to pilot Gipsy Danger.” Steel said, “And this is one of my favorite parts: Mako just gives up on English halfway through and just goes back to Japanese.”
(Pentecost: Mako, we have talked about this. We will not talk about it again. *turns and leaves*)
(Mako: You promises me...(Japanese) I should be the one driving Gipsy with him!)
“Seriously, it’s on par with me rückgriff auf das Sprechen in Deutsch für absolut keinen erkennbaren Grund.” Steel said.
“We then cut to the mess hall, where Raleigh meets the Australian pilot, Chuck (played by Robert Kazinsky), who happens to be Herc’s son.” Steel continued, “He’s a butt-head.”
(Chuck: You’re the guy who’s gonna run defense in that ol’ rust-bucket of yours.)
“Hey, it’s not THAT old.” Steel objected.
(Raleigh: Sounds right.)
(Chuck: So, when was the last time you jockeyed?)
(Raleigh: About five years ago.)
(Chuck: What’ve you been doin’ for five years? Somethin’ pretty important, I reckon.)
“I was working on my accent, I think I’m getting better.” Steel replied.
(Raleigh: I was in construction.)
(Chuck: Well, that’s good. REALLY useful. If we get into a fight, you can BUILD your way out of it.)
“WE ARE NOT AMUSED!” E350 proclaimed, holding an Australian flag, “Can I review this with you?”
“How’d YOU get in here?!” Steel shouted.
“It’s an ELEVATOR, Steel.” E350 stated. The elevator came to a halt as Steve the Hollow stepped out.
“See ya.” He said, carrying both of their wallets.
“Huh.” Steel said. He then bolted out as fast as he could.
“ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA FAIR!” E350 shouted as the elevator’s doors slid shut.
Steel slammed the door of a bathroom stall shut as he sat on the toilet.
“We cut to the trials, where Raleigh goes through Mako’s suggestions in bo staff fighting.” Steel continued, “He then challenges Mako to fight him and decides that she’ll be his co-pilot afterwards.”
“Hey, I won’t complain. I’d LOVE to have someone with her looks-SKILLS! I MEANT SKILLS!” Steel shouted. He sighed before saying, “Tumblr’s gonna have a field day with that...”
“However, Pentecost crushes that and they leave as Pentecost’s nose begins bleeding because of that single-piloting thing I told you about.” Steel said, “Meanwhile, Tweedle Dork is trying to drift with the Kaiju brain.”
(Newton: (into recorder) Human-Kaiju Drift Test 1. The, uh, the brain segment is the frontal lobe...chances are the segment’s far too damaged to work with. Unscientific aside, Hermann, if you’re listening to this, I’m either alive and I’ve just proven it works, in which case, HA, I’ve won. Or I’m dead and I’d like to say it’s all your fault, it really is. You drove me to this. In which case, HA, I’ve also won...sort of.)
“The idea that neither of these two gets crushed is more terrifying than any Kaiju.” Steel muttered, darkly.
“So, he drifts and gets a look at the Kaiju’s homeworld...and is left out like a light.” Steel continued, “And he looks like Loon when he vacationed in Mexico!”
“LOOK!” Lunatic shouted through the Plot Hole, “The Dimensional Trilogy reviews went really well, alright? I was young, we were celebrating, we THOUGHT we could import Chupacabras, they dropped the charges, SO JUST DROP IT, OKAY?” Loon then asked, in a calmer voice, “Follow-up question: can I review this with you?”
“Loon, don’t you have a job to do?” Steel asked, impatiently.
“OH DARN IT, YOU’RE RIGHT!” Loon yelled, vanishing in a small ‘pop’.
“Afterwards, Pentecost apparently changed his mind and lets Mako be Raleigh’s co-pilot.” Steel said, “She goes in and does the Drift with Raleigh, but then Tweelde Dum shows up and takes Pentecost to see Tweedle Dork, who’s still shaken up by the Kaiju drift.”
(Pentecost: So, what did you see?)
(Newton: Well, it was only a fragment of a brain, so all I could get was a series of images o-or impressions, y’know like when you blink your eyes over and over again, all you really see are frames of motion and-)
“Show of hands, who’s doing that right now?” Steel asked, raising his before blinking rapidly and waving it in front of his face.
(Pentecost: Newton. *sits in front of him* Now, I want you to take your time and be VERY specific.)
(Newton: Well, I don’t think they’re following some sort of animalistic urge, just hunting and gathering. I think they’re attacking us under orders.)
(Hermann: That’s impossible.)
(Pentecost: YOU, SHUT UP!)
“He’s officially one of my favorite characters, EVER.” Steel said.
(Newton: Th-these beings, these masters, they’re colonists. They overtake worlds, they consume them, th-then they move onto the next. And they’ve been here before in a sort of trial run. It was the dinosaurs! But the atmosphere wasn’t condusive, so they waited it out and they waited it out and now, with the ozone depletion, carbon monoxide, polluted waters, we practically terraformed it for them.)
OBLIGATORY ENVIRONMENTAL MESSAGE!
“Meanwhile, Mako’s deal with the drift kinda...goes bad.” Steel said.
(Roleigh tries snapping Mako out of it, but his voice becomes more and more distant as it begins snowing inside the Jaeger. She then begins walking through an empty street.)
“Okay, when’d this turn into Silent Hill?” Steel asked, looking confused.
(Shifts to Mako as a little girl, crying, as sirens go off.)
“Yep, this IS Silent Hill.” Steel said.
“Actually, it’s her memory of when she was a girl.” Steel said, “A giant crab Kaiju is attacking Japan...I know, I know. Giant monster attacking Japan, BIG SHOCK. However, when she thinks she’s being attacked, she activates Gipsy’s plasma cannon...wait, these guys didn’t shut down the weapons system? I know it’s supposed to be advanced training, but SHE’S new to this! NO ONE thought that anyone would just freak out in the drift? NOBODY?!”
(Computer voice: Drift sequence terminated. Would you like to try again?)
“Oh and I almost forgot: the voice of the computer is the same actress GLaDOS from Portal.” Steel said, “Try imagining THAT for a minute.”
(GLaDOS: It's been a long time. How have you been? I've been *really* busy being dead. You know, after you MURDERED ME?)
“We then cut to the Bone Slums of Hong Kong, where Newt McAnnoying goes to a black market for Kaiju parts to meet a guy named Hannibal Chau.” Steel continued, “He’s played by...”
(Newton: Is that a Kaiju skin parasite?! I’ve never seen one alive before! I thought you COULDN’T keep them alive!)
(???: You can if you soak them in ammonia.)
(Hannibal Chau enters the scene. He’s played by Ron Perlman.)
“Holy crap.” Steel said, looking excited, “It’s Ron Perlman! One of my favorite actors! He worked with Guillermo del Toro before as Hellboy! He’s still the only person I consider to be Deathstroke the Terminator! And, YES, he IS a ton of fun to watch in this movie! He looks like he’s having a blast with the role!”
(Hannibal: Like the name? I took it from my favorite historical character and my second favorite Szechuan restaurant in Brooklyn.)
“Back with Raleigh, he gets in a fight with Chuck because...the guy’s a class-A dork.” Steel said, “Pentecost takes them back for a scolding, having Mako go off and Raleigh tries confronting him.”
(Pentecost: Do not let my calm demeanor fool you, RANGER! NOW IS NOT A GOOD MOMENT FOR YOUR INSUBORDINATION!)
“Heh, imagine what he’s like at fast food restaurants.” Steel said.
“Welcome to McDonald’s! How can we serve you?” asked a female voice in a drive-thru.
“I’d like a McRib with some FRIES.” Pentecost shouted, “AND A LARGE DRINK!”
The voice paused for a while before saying, “O-kay, that’ll be $10.00.”
“THANK YOU!” Pentecost shouted.
“Anyway, it turns out that Marshall Awesome saved Mako’s life when she was a kid.” Steel continued, “He took her in and raised her...and during a confrontation, Raleigh grabs him.”
(Raleigh: You are NOT protecting her! You are holding her BACK!)
(Pentecost: ONE, don’t you ever touch me again. TWO, don’t you ever touch me again.)
“THREE, if you DID, I’d still have the more convincing accent.” Steel imitated.
“However, soon after, two Kaiju emerge ear Hong Kong and three of the Jaegers are deployed to take them down.” Steel continued, “Meanwhile, Newt continues to badger Hannibal to try and get access to a Kaiju’s brain.”
(Hannibal: No, no, their skulls are too thick. The time you drill into it-)
(Newton: The brain’s rotted away. But I’m talking about the SECONDARY brain. Now, we BOTH know that the Kaiju are so large, they need two brains to move around, like a dinosaur. I wanna get my hands on that. I figured out how to drift with a Kaiju.)
(Hannibal: Are you funnin’ me?)
“HEY!” Steel shouted, “You can’t use fake profanity! That’s MY-”
Steel yelled as something started coming out of a toilet. It was FossilDynamite.
“HI!” he exclaimed.
“YOU CAME OUT OF A TOILET!” Steel shouted, looking dumbstruck.
“Yes, but it was WORTH IT.” Fossil said, “I heard you were reviewing Pacific Rim, so I figured that I could-”
“BUT YOU CAME OUT OF A TOILET!” Steel shouted.
“Yes, I came out of a toilet.” Fossil sighed, “BUT, can-”
At that point, the stall door opened wide as Xem, CryptoNoah, and Dez looked in.
“We heard you were reviewing-”
“OUT OF MY WAY!” Steel shouted, punching Noah to the ground and running past them.
“Normally, he goes for ME...” Xem commented.
“Wonder why that is.” Fossil said.
“What’s that smell?” Dez asked.
Steel ran through the room, got to a janitor’s closet, and slammed it shut behind him.
“No one will look for me here...” he sighed, “So...where was I? Oh, yes. The Kaiju have a hive-mind, but that means that Mr. Dorkus here is a prime target since drifting is a two-way street and he’s left to die in a public Kaiju bunker.”
“Oh no, not Newt, I’m so invested in his character and stuff...” Steel said, pulling out some popcorn.
“Meanwhile, out in the ocean, the fight between Kaiju and Jaegers isn’t going too well.” Steel said, “Crimson Typhoon and Cherno Alpha are promptly destroyed and Striker Eureka is disabled due to one of them gaining a super-EMP. Since Gipsy Danger in nuclear-powered and not digital, that means that Raleigh and Mako would be immune to it and they move out.”
“The fight leads them to a shipping yard and the fight continues, later moving onto the other Kaiju (who can fly, by the way).” Steel said, “Both fights result in THESE awesome moments...”
Gipsy Danger’s Rocket Punch
Using Shipping Crates As Brass Knuckles
Using An Ocean Liner As A Baseball Bat
Repeatedly Shooting A Kaiju’s Corpse
Using Mega Jaeger Sword
“Though it also results in...”
(Gipsy Danger’s punch misses, smashing through a building before slowing to a halt to gently tap a desk, making a set of Newton Balls start tapping.)
“I don’t know.” Steel sighed, “Also, why didn’t they use that Jaeger sword SOONER? It probably would’ve been useful! Okay, it turns out that it was a new addition to Gipsy Danger...BUT WE NEVER GET TOLD THAT. It’s never explained in the movie...but, DANGIT! It’s cool!”
The door opened up and K-chan was standing outside.
“Hey, Steel.” She said, nonchalantly, taking some paper towels, “See ya.”
“Wait, aren’t you gonna start begging to co-review this movie with me?” Steel asked.
“Eh, I can wait for Noah.” K-chan said.
(Deadpool: SHAMELESS PLUG! Also, can I co-review this with you?)
At that point, Steel bolted. Deadpool and K-chan just stared.
(Deadpool: Was it something I said?)
Steel crawled out a window and onto the hotel’s roof.
“Back on track...after the titanic struggle...” Steel panted, “Hannibal and Newt go to pick over the flying Kaiju’s remnants, but it turns out it was expecting.”
(A smaller version of the flying Kaiju bursts out of its stomach, umbilical cord still attached.)
“Now, THAT’S a face only a mother would love.” Steel said.
“However, due to its lungs not being fully developed and the cord wrapping around its neck, the baby soon dies.” Steel continued, “Unfortunately...”
(Baby lunges forward and swallows Hannibal whole.)
“YOU ATE RON PERLMAN, YOU SADISTIC MONSTER!” Steel shouted.
“Well, with a fresh brain available, Newt goes to drift with it...but he is not alone.” Steel said.
(Hermann: We’ll manage to do this...TOGETHER. I’ll go with you.)
(Newton: You’re SERIOUS? Y-you would do that for me, or you’d do it WITH me?)
“Only our combined obnoxiousness can withstand the force.” Steel said as Hermann.
“So, the two drift and the remaining Jaeger pilots suit for the final battle.” Steel continued, “Pentecost teams up with Chuck to handle Striker Eureka and gives one of the best speeches in recent cinematic history.”
(Pentecost: Today...today...at the edge of our hope. At the end of our time, we have chosen not only to believe in ourselves but in each other. Today, there’s not a man nor woman here that shall stand alone. Not today. Today, we face the monsters that are at our door and BRING THE FIGHT TO THEM! TODAY, WE ARE CANCELLING THE APOCALYPSE!)
Steel pulled his glasses off and saluted.
“So, the Jaegers suit up and are dropped into the Pacific Ocean, Striker Eureka getting a bomb strapped to it.” Steel said, “Due to the drift, the two obnoxious guys inform the group that they’d need a Kaiju to get through the portal as Striker is promptly torn apart. Gipsy Danger gets through and the two overload its power core...which is nuclear. So, overloading it makes it go...”
(Gipsy Danger goes through the portal and into another realm, facing the Kaiju’s creators.)
“Ah crap.” Steel said.
“Hey, Steel!” YoungSamurai called, holding two headsets, “Can I co-review this with you?”
“NO.” Steel deadpanned, “Besides, the review’s almost over.”
“Oh, that’s no problem!” Young grinned, placing one headset on Steel, “We’ll just DRIFT!”
Young placed a headset on himself and pushed a button, the two being engulfed in blue light and flashing images. When it faded, the two just stood there.
“So...are we drift compatible?” Young asked.
“No.” Steel said, pulling the headset off, “But NOW, I remember how my dad would scream at me for procrastinating on my math homework. THANKS, YOUNG.”
At that point, Steel punched Young, who fell off the roof (thankfully, Shade was there to break HIS landing, too).
“So, let’s wrap this up.” Steel growled, “Gipsy Danger destroys everything, the movie wants it to look like Roleigh’s dead, when we all know he’s not and (big shock) he’s not. He meets with Mako and, in a big twist, the two DON’T become a couple as humanity celebrates the end of the Kaiju threat.”
“But...WHAT ABOUT HELLBOY?!” Steel shouted.
(Hannibal cuts out of Kaiju’s stomach.)
(Hannibal: Where’s my other go*bleep* shoe?!)
HELLBOY WILL LIVE...
Steel let out an ecstatic cheer.
“So, that was Pacific Rim.” Steel concluded, “It was stupid, but AWESOMELY SO. It’s like Scorpion King: it’s ridiculous and nonsensical, but is at least aware of it. What impresses me most is how...aware it is of its own limitations. If this was a half-rate movie, it would’ve included some shoe-horned in animal rights or anti-military message. But it doesn’t. It knows we came for robots punching monsters, gives it to us, and doesn’t lie about what it really is. To me, that just makes it one of the most enjoyable movies I’ve seen in a LONG time.”
“I’m Tohokari-Steel, THIS was Outta the DVD, and I’m-”
With a series of loud crashes, a large Jaeger stepped over to the hotel.
“INHABITANTS OF THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HOTEL!” Doopliss’ voice shouted from inside, “TOHOKARI-STEEL MUST AGREE TO ALLOW ME TO GUEST STAR OR I WILL-”
“Joke’s on YOU.” Steel called, “The review’s done!”
“WHAT?!” Doopliss shouted, “THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE OUTRAGE! JUST FOR THAT, I SHALL-”
As Doopliss made his tirade, Steel walked through the hotel and gently tapped the Jaeger as he passed. The robot slowly tipped and fell over, Doopliss screaming as it crashed to the ground.
“Still have no idea who that was.” Steel commented.
Pacific Rim Theme
-Pentecost and Hannibal Chau
-Not much to offer outside of action (it’s still awesome, though)
-Newton and Hermann
Final Score: 8.5/10
Mystery Science Theater 3000: Laserblast
(Pentecost: YOU, SHUT UP!)