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OTD: Matrix Reloaded

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January, 2015...

“Well, it’s a beautiful, new year!” Steel said with a grin as he walked down to the review room, “Time to begin another year of wonderful, hilarious...”

BANG!

A bullet wound appeared on Steel’s face.

“Shocked this didn’t happen sooner.” he said before falling down.

(A large man with a thin mustache walked over to his closet. He pulled out a Kingdom Hearts shirt before walking out, smirking.
OUTTA THE DVD!
A serious face, a subtle face- You show a lot of faces
The man walked out with a smug look.
TOHOKARI-STEEL
As Steel walked by, he passed a black katana and a jar. Two spirits emerged—a samurai warrior and a woman clad in white.
BLACK SHOGUN AND KAZUMI

Even if you're told so, you still don't know what to do
Steel waved as he passed an anthropomorphic skunk and smacked the head of an anthro tiger wearing a Hawaiian shirt. The tiger wheeled around, looking irritated.
BINDITHESKUNK AND XEMNAS1992

All people have a part they're hiding in themselves, right?
Steel yelped as a girl around his age with long, black hair and lavender eyes quickly hugged him.
AKIA AOI

Like that, like this, like there, I can't say it in words immediately
Steel got free and immediately saw a white, ferret-like creature with a long tail and small, pinkish-red eyes.
KYUBEY

It's you who pretends to be cheerful in front of others
Steel yelled before running away as fast as he could, passing by a shinigami wearing a pink bathrobe and reading a magazine. Not far away was a short Hollow with a large mask, large three-fingered hands, and rather devious red eyes. The Hollow was hauling around a large sack as the shinigami simply sat on a red Lazy-Boy.
JERRY THE SHINIGAMI AND STEVE THE HOLLOW

And you don't whine about things, but-
Steel sighed as he entered a room, where a gray hedgehog with visor/sunglasses was working on a chain gun. He saw Steel and gave the thumbs'-up. Not far away was a man with a big, white beard, a Santa hat, a tuxedo, and a shot glass, which he raised with a grin. Next to him was a vampire, who gave Steel a mocking smirk.
COOLY MCAWESOME, SANTA BOND, AND TONY VALENTINO

Even if 100 years pass, you should be yourself; if you love me, you should shout 'I love you'
Steel sighed, remembering a blue-haired girl and a Filipino boy. A tear rolled down his cheek, but he turned and saw his team before grinning widely.
Ready Go! Fly away! Being yourself is great
Steel sighed as he put a movie into the DVD player, his team crowding around him. He glared at them briefly before sighing.
If you want to cry, you should cry to your heart's content
Steel pressed 'play' on the remote.
I'm behind you
Theme Song: Ready, Go! By May'n
Written by Tohokari-Steel)
Matrix Reloaded by Tohokari-Steel

Present...

Steel was, once again, in limbo. The fact that he owned and used a Death Note (albeit a defective one) meant that he was unable to go to Heaven or Hell, so he was sent to an endless void instead.

He remained silent for a few seconds before saying, “Well, no point in putting it off any longer. Hi, I’m Tohokari-Steel and this is Outta the DVD, where movies face my judgement. If I haven’t said it before, The Matrix is my all-time favorite movie.”

“That’s not to say that I think it’s a perfect film. Far from it. The acting’s bad most of the time and there’s many a plot hole to be found...but I like the action, some of the ideas are interesting, the effects were good for their time, and it even changed the trend of action movies. But then it took a turn. As you saw, I HATED Matrix Revolutions as a forced, bland, and shockingly boring movie. How’d it get to that point?”

“According to most, Matrix Reloaded.” Steel said, flatly.


“I mean, people seemed to be in agreement on this: the first movie was kinda pretentious, but still fun. This one...people seem to be split about. Some people say it’s a decent follow-up, others say it’s a self-indulgent piece of crap.”

“Where do I stand on this? Well, let’s take a look.”

“Our movie opens with the usual subtlety to expect from the Wachowskis...”

Trinity rides a motorcycle out of a window before jumping off. The bike lands in a security booth, causing it to explode.

Steel had a bored expression before saying, “How droll.”

“After going Celty on these guys, Trinity (played by Carrie-Ann Moss), we then get a bizarre transition to...”

Trinity jumps out the window of a building as she opens-fire on an agent before getting hit in the chest by a bullet and crashing onto a car.

Steel scoffed, looking oddly snooty, “It's been done.”

“Actually, this was all a dream from Neo (played by Keanu Reeves). For those of you who don't remember, Neo's The One...which basically makes him Kung-Fu Computer Jesus. And, as The One, he's only capable of making ONE face.” Steel chuckled to himself before his smile faded, “Yes, I stole that from Honest Trailers, but what do YOU know? You can't copy-right jokes! LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“He wakes up in bed with Trinity. YES, they ARE a couple. And if you have any doubts about that, they make-out every chance they get in this movie. We then cut to Morpheus (played by Laurence Fishburne) and-”

Morpheus: I told you we're going to be alright.
He's with a black man with dreadlocks.
Man: I understand-

“HOLD IT! HOLD IT!” Steel shouted as he paused the clip, “Who're YOU? I've never seen you before! What're you doing here?”

“He's called Link and he's the new operator.” Steel froze and looked over, seeing Kyubey sitting not far away, “Hi.”

Steel yelled as he recoiled, “Kyubey? What're YOU doing here?”

“Here to pick you up after you just got randomly shot in the head...as soon as the review's done, of course.”

Steel regarded the cosmic horror with a confused look, “The way you say that-”

Kyubey swiftly interrupted Steel, “There were originally two operators, or people who tend to the freedom fighters currently in the Matrix, named Tank and Dozer. They were brothers and were ambushed by Cypher when he had his heel-turn in the first movie. Dozer died immediately, but Tank survived. However, it's pretty much said in passing that he died between films. Unlike the bit with The Oracle, though, it wasn't because the actor died. It was apparently due to a salary conflict between the Wachowskis and Tank's actor, Marcus Chong. Result? Chong got booted out and we got left with this character we're not really familiar with. Does that cover the bases?”

Steel regarded Kyubey with a look that seemed to be a combination of “What the heck”, “That's really impressive”, and “I'm terrified”. He cleared his throat before resuming the review.

“Anyway, the two talk briefly before we cut back to Neo and Trinity.”

Trinity: You can't sleep?
Neo: No. I just wish I knew what I'm supposed to do.

“Hey, I think that's what the Wachowskis said while writing this!”

“We then cut to a meeting between the other ships, all of whom ARE dressed in leather, sunglasses, and everything that you'd expect people wanting to stand out are wearing, despite the fact that they should be wanting to keep a low profile. The reason for this meeting? There's about a quarter of a million sentinels going right for Zion, the last human city. Why didn't they know this sooner, when the implication from the first movie was that they didn't know about it?”

(Spongebob: Uh...I dunno.)

“Also, there's a problem with this movie. It's hard to explain with short clips and exposition, but it's still there. I'll explain later. Why? Because it's interrupted by agents (or semi-sentient security programs) as they attack the base. Neo then proceeds to prove WHY making sequels to The Matrix was a BAD idea—because it makes him uninterest-” Steel caught himself before making a correction, “LESS interesting.”

“I mean, think about it—in the first movie, he still had to discover his powers as The One. He needed to actually BELIEVE he could do it and, until then, he could still be hurt and killed. Now? He's got the powers of Computer-God, so no real point anymore, is there? He's gone full Kirito by now.”

“We then get to see Zion, after hearing about it so often and with such importance in the first movie, what do they show us?” Steel asked with an excited look.

Zion is shown to be a small, metallic gray place.

(Plankton: Hope you like gray!)

“I mean...REALLY?” Steel asked, a look of disbelief on his face, “You're REALLY going with this? I mean, I wasn't expecting MUCH, going by the description from the first movie, but this is just twelve different kinds of underwhelming! Also, people need to use the Construct to take calls, just to add onto the pile of 'What're your priorities'.”

“Also, it turns out Neo has a fanboy, who he saved in one of the Animatrix shorts. SKIP IT.” Steel pushed the fast-forward button at that point, “Morpheus meets up with the boss, Commander Lock. They...don't get along.”

Lock: I've spoken to the other captains and I wanted to give you the opportunity to explain your actions.
Morpheus: I wasn't aware that my actions required any explanation.
Lock: You were given a direct order to return to Zion.
Morpheus: I did.Lock: You asked for one ship to be left behind.
Morpheus: I would've stayed, but I needed to recharge my ship.
Lock: So you admit to a direct contravention of your duty.

ABRIDGED CONVERSATION:
Lock: You screwed up!
Morpheus: Don't care.

Steel looked up at the earlier text with a concerned expression, “Why do I feel like I'm gonna be needing that a lot?”

“Oh and the machines are attacking because they're freeing more minds. Again, if they KNEW where Zion was, why didn't they just blow them up right there? Also, we never SEE them releasing people from the Matrix. By the way, I've been made ruler of all China. Thought you should know.”

“Later, Morpheus speaks at some cave religion...thing.”

Morpheus: ZION! HEAR ME!

“DO ANY OF YOU HAVE CHANGE FOR THE PARKING METER?! THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I CALLED YOU OUT HERE!”

Morpheus: It is true, what many of you have heard. The machines have gathered an army and, as I speak, that army is drawing nearer to our home.

“Which is why we're having this speech thing when we COULD be bolstering our defenses. That's a good tactic, right?”

Morpheus: Believe me when I say that we have a difficult time ahead of us. But if we are to be prepared for it, we must first shed our fear of it!

ABRIDGED SPEECH:
Morpheus: Things are gonna suck, but don't worry.

“And then we engage in, not kidding here, a rave scene mixed with a sex scene that goes on for five minutes. No interruptions. It goes on for FIVE MINUTES.” Steel paused for a few seconds before letting out a pained groan.

“REALLY?! REALLY?! THIS was what they chose to fill up the movie with? Y'know what? I've got it. THIS was the Wachowskis' way of saying they had NOTHING. They didn't want to make this sequel, it barely had anything to run with, so they just threw in a combination of club music and softcore porn. Because why the crap NOT?!”

“We get SOMETHING to look forward to when we realized that Agent Smith (played by Hugo Weaving) is still alive after being blown to pieces by Neo in the first movie. Why? Because he's cool.” Steel began to shift around, uncomfortably, before asking, “Question: why didn't you just try making a BETTER villain? Yeah, Smith's entertaining and more of him only adds to that, but why just recycle the same character? Use it as a chance to one-up yourself, make something more-”

“Karitoho-Iron.”

Steel halted, mid-rant, and glared at Kyubey. He growled in irritation, “Moving on.”

“Smith's back and now has the ability to turn other people into copies of him...I kinda tilt my head about how that works, but hey, sci-fi. Who cares?”

“Later, Neo gets a message to meet with the Oracle. He goes in and finds someone named Seraph, who says he'll take him to where she is, since she apparently went missing-”

Seraph and Neo begin fighting.

“After THIS happens.”

“And so, this blatantly out-of-nowhere fight scene ends about as quickly as it started. Why?”

Seraph: The Oracle has many enemies. I needed to be sure.
Neo: Sure of what?
Seraph: That you are The One.
Neo: You could have just asked.
Seraph: No. You do not truly know someone until you fight them.

“And now, I suddenly realize why I'm so lonely...”

“So Seraph takes Neo to see the Oracle...which he could've done WITHOUT fighting him, but what do I know? I DON'T SPOUT FAUX-PHILOSOPHICAL DIALOGUE AT EVERY TURN!” Steel took a deep breath before sighing, “Neo meets up with The Oracle...BEFORE she died between movies, got replaced, had a sloppy excuse, and I made a rather...questionable joke in my ignorance.”

Oracle: Come on and have a sit this time.
Neo: Maybe I'll stand.
Oracle: Suit yourself.
Neo looks awkward before sitting down.
Neo: I felt like sitting.

(Canned laughter)

“So, Neo brings up what's been bugging him—that the Oracle is a program from the machine world and he doesn't know if he can trust her, asking why she even bothers helping humanity's struggle.”

Oracle: We're all here to do what we're here to do. I'm interested in one thing, Neo—the future. And believe me, I know the only way to get there is to get there.

(Fry: ...Okay, that's a pretty good point.)

Neo: Are there other programs like you?
Oracle: No, not like ME, but...look, see those birds? (points at crows) At some point, a program was made to govern them. A program was written to watch over the trees and the wind, sunrise and sunset. There are programs runnin' all over the place. The ones doing their job, doing what they're meant to do, are invisible. You'd never even know they were here. But the other ones...well, you hear about them all the time.

“Go about, doing graffiti of binary numbers all over the place, use internal wiring diagrams as porn...”

“Actually, she means that they're things like ghosts, werewolves, aliens, things people CLAIM to see all the time. And...that's a pretty neat concept, I won't lie. If only we, y'know, SAW IT?”

“After a long bit of dialogue about choice, Oracle points Neo in the direction of a program called the Keymaker, who's being held by the French guy we see in the third movie. Their meeting is cut short, however, by THIS.”

Agent Smith strides into the scene with crows flying around.

“The crows flying around in a clear indication of his villainy. This shows that the Wachowskis truly are experts in being subtle!”


Agent Smith: How it happened is irrelevant. What matters is what happened happened for a reason.
Neo: And what reason is that?
Agent Smith: I killed you, Mr. Anderson. I watched you die...with a certain satisfaction, I might add. And then something happened. Something that I knew was impossible, but it happened anyway. You destroyed me, Mr. Anderson. Afterward, I knew the rules. I understood what I was supposed to do, but I didn't. I couldn't. I was compelled to stay, compelled to disobey.

ABRIDGED SPEECH:
Agent Smith: No idea how this happened, don't care. Something, something, something, Mister Anderson. Purpose, clones, now kill.

“So, we get a fight scene...that's kinda crappy in comparison to the awesomely-choreographed fights in the first movie. Here, it's just CGI that's less-convincing that a half-rate PS2 game. And...sorry, but I've gotta lift a joke from Nostalgia Critic.”

Neo fighting the Smith clones.

“Ow.”

“Ow.”

“Ow.”

“Ow.”

“Ow.”

“Ow.”

More Smith clones burst in to fight.

“Oh no, MORMONS!”

(Mike, Kevin, and Bill: Mister Anderson. Mister Anderson. Mister Anderson. Mister Anderson. Mister Anderson.)

Neo gets pinned down by the Agent Smith clones.
Smith: It is...inevitable.
Neo throws them all off, grabs one and hurls him at the clones...making a certain sound effect.

“Wait...did they just...?” Steel grabbed the remote and rewound to the scene.

Smith hits clones as bowling sound effect occurs.

“Great. J-just great.” Steel said, tossing the remote away, “Remember, these movies are 'philosophical' and included a bowling ball strike sound effect. I REALLY wish I was making that up. But no. That actually happened. What? Did someone in editing just put that in as a joke and they just decided to keep it for some reason? I just want you to realize that fact—someone in the editing process put that sound effect in there and someone else approved of it. Let that sink in for a bit.”

Neo flies off as the Smith clones just stand around, look at each other, and walk away.

“Well, that could've gone better. Who's buying beer?”

“Smith.”

“We're ALL Smith.”

“Later, the three go to the Frenchman...who's called something else, but scrap it. I'm lazy. After some conversation...”

Morpheus: You know why we are here.
Frenchman: I deal in information, I know everything I can. But the question is do YOU know why you are here?
Morpheus: We are looking for the Keymaker.
Frenchman: But the Keymaker, by his very nature, is a means. So, by looking for him, you are looking for the means to do...what?

“Y'know...every time this guy talks, I just want to punch him in the face. Hard. Then...uh...THIS scene.”

Frenchman: No, choice is but an illusion made by those WITH power to those WITHOUT. Look over there, at that woman. Just look at her, affecting all those around her. Watch, I have sent her dessert. (waiter places a slice of cake in front of the woman) A very special dessert. I wrote it myself. It starts so simply. First, a rush. Heat. Her heart flutters. She does not understand why. Is it the wine? No. What is it, then? What is the reason? Soon, it does not matter. Soon, the why and the reason are gone and all that matters is the feeling itself. THIS is the nature of the universe. We struggle against it, we fight it, we try to deny it, but it is a lie. Beneath our poised appearance, the truth is we are completely out of control.

Steel looked confused before looking at Kyubey, “Got any cake?”

“So, after...THAT, the Frenchman's lady friend says she'll take them to the Keymaker, but only if Neo makes out with her. Why?”

Persephone: I am so sick and tired of his bull-(Scout: BONK!) On and on. A long time ago, when we first came here, it was so different.

“We had cake every day and every night.”

Persephone: (looking at Neo's reflection) He was like you.

“He only had the emotional spectrum of a hunk of balsa wood, too.”

“Oh, right, the reason for making out. Well...”

Persephone: I want you to kiss me as if you were kissing her. You love her as she loves you. It is all over you both.

“And, more importantly, it's all over the script.”

Persephone: A long time ago, I knew what that felt like. I want to remember it. I want to sample it. That's all.

“Well, Trinity, I've gotta take one for the team. We all knew sacrifices would be made, so might as well be me.”

“So, after Neo's...'sacrifice', Persephone leads them to the Keymaker, but Frenchie's not too pleased about it. And, knowing this movie's track record, it's gonna be one of two things...”

A. Fight scene
B. Long, dull talk

Frenchman's henchman go to fight Neo.

“And how does this go again?” Steel asked, though sounded like he already knew the answer.

Neo beats them all.

“Of course.”

“But, credit where it's due...this IS a pretty entertaining fight. As is the fight between Trinity, Morpheus, and those two ghost guys. Wait, NOW I get why Oracle brought up that whole rogue programs being ghosts, vampires, and all that! It still doesn't justify this, though, since I thought it was just a throwaway line at first. But it has REASON TO EXIST!”

“So, after this fight scene that goes on and on, which SHOULD make it boring and stale after a while, but doesn't, they take the Keymaker to a safe location.”

Keymaker: There is a building. Inside this building, there is a level where no elevator can go and no stair can reach. This level is filled with doors. These doors lead to many places.

“For some reason, I doubt this DLC's gonna make it onto the next Mario game.”

“They make a plan to get to the source of it all and, since one of the teams got offed early on, Trinity rides in, even though Neo told her not to. They fight Smith again and the Keymaker gets shot.” Steel then saluted while looking rather bored, “Oh no, I'm so sad he's gone and stuff...”

Neo uses a key to open a door. It bursts into light and he steps in.

“Hate to be in his shoes when he realizes that it's actually the men's locker room.”

“Actually, this leads Neo to one of the most infamously frustrating scenes in movie history.” Steel sighed as he adjusted his glasses, “I knew what I was getting into...now, nothing to do but take that leap. So...let's get this over with.”

“He winds up in a room full of television screens, where he encounters a program called The Architect, who apparently designed the Matrix. Upon being asked why Neo's here...THIS.”

Architect: Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent in the programming of the Matrix. You are the eventuality of an anomaly which, despite my sincerest efforts, I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden to sedulously avoid it, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here.
Neo: You haven't answered my question.
Architect: Quite right. Interesting. That was quicker than the others.

Steel pulled out a Ms. Marvel comic at that point, “Oh, Kamala, I envy you...you're not watching this.”

Architect: The Matrix is older than you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next, in which case this is the sixth one.
Neo: There are only two explanations. Either no one told me...or no one knows.

Steel was playing a video game on his PS2.

Architect: Precisely. As you are undoubtedly gathering, the anomaly's systemic, creating fluctuations in even the most simplistic equations.
Neo: Choice. The problem is choice.

Steel was flicking through a volume of Kingdom Hearts, “Ya think Neo could've had a Keyblade? I think Neo could've had a Keyblade...”

Architect: The first matrix I designed was quite naturally perfect, it was a work of art, flawless, sublime. A triumph equaled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is as apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every human being, thus I redesigned it based on your history to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of your nature. However, I was again frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection. Thus, the answer was stumbled upon by another, an intuitive program, initially created to investigate certain aspects of the human psyche. If I am the father of the matrix, she would undoubtedly be its mother.
Neo: The Oracle.
Architect: Please. As I was saying, she stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99.9% of all test subjects accepted the program, as long as they were given a choice, even if they were only aware of the choice at a near unconscious level. While this answer functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly, that if left unchecked might threaten the system itself. Ergo, those that refused the program, while a minority, if unchecked, would constitute an escalating probability of disaster.
Neo: This is about Zion.

(Deadpool: MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE!)

Architect: You are here because Zion is about to be destroyed. Its every living inhabitant terminated, its entire existence eradicated. Denial is the most predictable of all human responses. But, rest assured, this will be the sixth time we have destroyed it, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it. The function of the One is now to return to the source, allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry, reinserting the prime program. After which you will be required to select from the matrix 23 individuals, 16 female, 7 male, to rebuild Zion. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash killing everyone connected to the matrix, which coupled with the extermination of Zion will ultimately result in the extinction of the entire human race. 

(Mike Nelson: Action movie of the summer, people.)

Neo: You won't let that happen, you can't. You need human beings to survive.

“And I totally care and stuff.” Steel then let out an audible yawn.

Architect: There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept. However, the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept the responsibility for the death of every human being in this world. (presses a button on a pen that he is holding, and images of people from all over the matrix appear on the monitors) It is interesting reading your reactions. Your five predecessors were by design based on a similar predication, a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the rest of your species, facilitating the function of the one. While the others experienced this in a very general way, your experience is far more specific. Vis-a-vis, love.
Neo: Trinity.
Architect: Apropos, she entered the matrix to save your life at the cost of her own.

Steel was fast asleep, snoring audibly. Kyubey hopped onto his shoulder and pulled out a marker, “I probably won't get another chance like this."

Neo: No.
Architect: Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning, and end. There are two doors. The door to your right leads to the source, and the salvation of Zion. The door to the left leads back to the matrix, to her, and to the end of your species. As you adequately put, the problem is choice. But we already know what you're going to do, don't we? Already I can see the chain reaction, the chemical precursors that signal the onset of emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic, and reason. An emotion that is already blinding you from the simple, and obvious truth: she is going to die, and there is nothing that you can do to stop it. (Neo walks to the door on the left. Architect scoffs) Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.
Neo: If I were you, I would hope that we don't meet again.
Architect: We won't.

(Jay Sherman: What is the point of all this?
Guard: I'M SO LONELY!)

ABRIDGED SPEECH:

Steel yelled as he woke up, the word 'vacancy' scrawled on his forehead. He groaned, massaging his forehead, “Sorry...I think I fell asleep during that. I-I don't get it. The Matrix, my favorite movie, the thing that showed that action movies could at least SOUND smart and that was so revolutionary in the look of cinema...bored me to sleep. And...what was even GAINED from that? What human being could have possibly-”

“I understood it.” Kyubey said, raising a paw.

“Huh?”

“Basically, several Matrixes have been made before now, each one with its own One, who's an anomaly because of choice. Every so often, Zion gets destroyed and the One reboots everything, putting this whole war in a never-ending cycle.”

Steel started, but his face soon fell before turning back to the audience, “Two sentences, people. He summed it up in two sentences. This entire speech takes about seven minutes. WHAT THE HECK?!”*

“And this is a major problem with the movie that everyone's criticized to death and for good reason—the talking goes ON AND ON. It just lengthens the movie. THAT'S IT. It doesn't add anything at all, just wastes our time! This only adds onto my theory that the Wachowskis had no idea what to do, so they just slapped together some random assortment of philosophical drivel and inserted fight scenes here and there in it.”

“Oh and, all the while, Trinity's been fighting an Agent.” Steel continued, “We then have the scene where she falls out the window and gets shot, but it's SUPER NEO to the rescue, pulling her to the top of a building before she can fall. Neo pulls the bullet out of her, but it seems to be too late. Trinity is dead.”

Neo reaches into her chest and grabs onto her heart, causing it to start pumping again.


“YES! Trinity's saved! Oh, I can't wait to see what else-”

(Impaled on cables.)


Steel simply shrugged.

Link: I can't take this...

“I know the feeling...”

“With that, they return to the real world just as they're attacked by squids. They destroy Morpheus' ship, but before they can attack the humans, Neo destroys them with his...cyber-Jesus powers. It happens. However, this leaves him comatose along with...”

Neo is left unconscious with Bane...the man who was turned into a Smith clone.

(Chorus: DUN!
DUN!
DUN-DUN!)

To be concluded...

“With an even bigger disappointment than THIS ONE.” Steel concluded, “I hate to say it, but THIS MOVIE SUCKS. I won't pretend that the first movie's perfect, but it at least knew how to balance itself out and keep things relevant. Here? It constantly shifts from pointless extrapolation and action scenes, is loaded with padding, and just feels tacked-on when looked at as part of a series. But, to its credit, at least it's not Matrix Revolutions.”

“I'm Tohokari-Steel, THIS was Outta the DVD, and I'm OUTTA HERE.” Steel stood up and walked off. He then bolted back and grabbed Kyubey, “Okay, ya heartless abomination, take me outta here!”

“Okay!”

With that, blackness engulfed Steel. He screamed as he passed by a canine skeleton and a Captain Planet clip. He yelled as he was then spat out into his review room.

“Oh, it's so good to be back in my old reviewing station.” At that point, the wall behind him fell down, revealing that giant robots patrolled the blasted landscape of what was once northern Nebraska. Steel turned and saw the carnage as all color drained from his face, “What happened while I was out...?”

TO BE CONTINUED...


Pros:
-Some pretty cool action
-Hugo Weaving

Cons:
-TOO MUCH TALKING
-Lackluster effects
-Loaded with padding

Final Score: 3/10

References:
The Matrix Reloaded
SpongeBob SquarePants
Futurama
RiffTrax: Matrix Reloaded
Deadpool: The Game
The Critic
Matrix Revolutions
Akira

Link: I can't take this...

*Special thanks to Lunatic121 for making this scene possible.

I'm back in business and I start off by concluding the trilogy that includes my favorite movie...though, the order I chose was 3, 1, 2. Still makes more sense than the Scorpion King series.

The logo is Steel in his new outfit (a Superman hoodie and an American flag shirt) standing in front of a series of screens ala Architect scene. Only the screens have the titles of various things I've written: Outta the DVD, The Elite, Prince of Heart, The Little Fictorian, Re-Jaladdin, Quest of Theyral, Chaos and Order (though it's a co-written project with :iconsakkee:), Death Battles (hidden by Steel's body), and LOTR fanmakes.

So, did I make any screw-ups? Did I miss an opportunity for a joke? Or do you simply have a different opinion on the movie? If so, comment below and let me know!
© 2015 - 2024 Tohokari-Steel
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Volts48's avatar
Amazing how you manage to tear into the Matrix Re-bloated and yet take less words than it took me. I guess I really hated this movie so much.
Still, there were quite a few jokes here and there that got genuine laughs out of me (such as Seraph saying "I have no friends," kudos dude. XD) so some fine work here dude. :thumbsup: