literature

OTD: Kick-Ass

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Literature Text

TO BETTER APPEAL TO THE CENSORS THAT I APPARENTLY HAVE, A FEW...MODIFICATIONS HAVE BEEN MADE TO OUTTA THE DVD.

(Gather everyone, from far and near
Put away your weapons, hate, and beer!
No more critical rage or fear!
Now, I'm obligated to bring cheer!
Now, Xem's emotions are all shared!
Tony's a creature with no care!
Steve the Hollow believes in playing fair!
Jerry is braiding Bindi's hair!
Too much violence can be bad taste,
So Iron gives out free cupcakes.
Steel now dances and Xemnas sings!
Tony wears a purity ring!
We're a happy family for kids,
'Cuz we all forgot who Kyubey is!
Say good-bye to the Steel who's tough,
We can never play it safe enough!
)

"Hey, kids, I'm Tohokari-Steel, and this is Outta the DVD, where a fun romp is had by all." Steel introduced, a wide smile on his face, "In 2010, a superhero movie was released that was...different from most other films like it. Of course, I am referring to the fun romp for the whole family known as...Kick-Butt.”

(watered-down scenes from trailer play)

“Oh, yes, a most enjoyable movie that should be viewed by every family in America, this film teaches us things like honesty, sharing, and hygiene.” Steel explained, “Isn't that right?”

“It certainly is, Steel.” Xem replied, also sporting a wide smile, “We're best friends, after all.”

“We sure are, Xem, now back to singing.” Steel said.

“Sure thing, buddy!” Xem said, walking away while muttering under his breath, “The non-stop dancing's making my throat bloody...and I think everything just got colder.”

Inside the OTD vault, Kyubey was tied up in the corner, surrounded by bottles of Morning Rescue.

“They will all be consumed for this...” he said.

“So, our movie is about Dave Lizewski, a first-class citizen who does good in school and chooses to become a superhero because he figured that someone needed to do the right thing.” Steel said, “So, he fashions himself a green and yellow outfit and goes by the name Kick-Butt. Eventually, it turns out that other heroes are running around, namely Big Daddy and Hitgirl. They form a team with another hero, Red Mist. It turns out that Red Mist is the son of the local mafia boss, but turned hero to make up for his father's crimes. So, they fight, have fun, and it concludes with Red Mist and his dad having a tearful reunion after he renounces his life of crime.”

“So, this movie is fun, enjoyable, and without a doubt, the best family movie ever.” Steel said, “I give it a...”

At that point, Steel's smile faltered.

“Oh boy, here it comes...” said a rather transparent Airnaruto.

“F-(Mario: TOAST!) THIS S-(Luigi: Spaghetti!) REVIEW!” Steel shouted, “IT'S FU-(King: Dinner) KICK-A-(Link: Dodongo!)! THE HERO'S A GO-(Bowser: *evil laugh*)-DA-(Zelda: FATHER!)ED SLACKER WHO J-(Morshu: Mmmmmm...) OFF TO HIS F-(Gwonam: SQUADALA!)KING ENGLISH TEACHER! HE BECOMES A D-(Mario: Luigi!) HERO BECAUSE WHY THE HE-(Kravindish: Illegal) NOT! HE GETS STABBED DURING HIS FIRST CRAP JOB OF HEROING AND PEOPLE THINK HE'S A F-(Militron: Koridian.) QU-(Luigi: Mama Luigi!) BECAUSE OF IT! BIG DADDY'S PLAYED BY NICHOLAS CAGE, SO HE'S BAT-S-(Mario, Luigi, and Peach: Player!)T INSANE! HITGIRL'S A FU-(Zelda: Good.) C-(King: Boi...) WITH NO SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT KILLING F-(Ganon: DIE!) GANGSTERS! RED MIST IS A MISERABLE DI-(Luigi: YOU!) WHO SMOKES WEED ON THE JOB AND IS JUST THERE TO MAKE THEM FU-(Luigi: The bagel!) UP SO HIS DAD CAN KNOCK THEM OFF! SPEAKING OF WHICH, THEY KILL THE F-(Hectan: KILLED!)ER WITH A G-(Ganon: SILENCE!) ROCKET LAUCHER! AND, GUESS WHAT? FU-(Link: Boring.) KICK-A-(Link: Octorok!) STILL GETS THE GIRL, EVEN THOUGH HE LIED LIKE A SH-(Gwonam: Evil...)-HEADED DUNCE! AND, IN THE SECOND MOVIE, RED MIST BECOMES THE M-(Morshu: Richer!)KER!”

“AND, AS FOR THESE C-(Luigi: Spaghetti!) CENSORS WHO GAVE ME THIS PIECE OF SH-(King: Dinner.) SCRIPT, YOU CAN TAKE YOUR C-(Mario: Toasters.) AND CRAM THEM UP YOUR A-(Ganon: Die!)!” Steel shouted, holding up both his index fingers. He quickly said, in a rather calm voice, “Remember, it's the thought that counts.” He then resumed shouted, “SCR-(Mario: No.) THIS SCRIPT AND F-(Link: Dodongos!) YOU FOR MAKING ME TRY TO SUGAR-COAT THIS REVIEW! I'D SOONER PUT MY DI-(King: Scrub!) INTO A FU-(Kravindish: Illegal.)ING BLENDER AND MAKE A CO-(King: Boi...)-SMOOTHIE!”

(SPAGHETTI! TOAST! OCTOROK! DINNER! SPAGHETTI! TOAST! OCTOROK! DINNER! SPAGHETTI! TOAST! OCTOROK! DINNER! SPAGHETTI! TOAST! OCTOROK! DINNER! SPAGHETTI! TOAST! OCTOROK! DINNER! DINNER!DINNER!DINNER!DINNER!DINNER!DINNER!DINNER!DINNER!DINNER!DINNER!DINNER!DINNER!)

BOOM!

“Annnnnnd there goes the CD-i censor machine.” Steel said, “I'M TOHOKARI-STEEL AND SCRAP THESE CENSORS! AND IT'S FREAKING KICK-ASS!”

Pros:
-GLORIOUSLY violent
-Hilarious spoofs on heroes
-Nicholas Cage
-Hit Girl
Cons:
-A tad TOO profane for my tastes
Final Score: 8.5/10

Clips Used:
A crap-ton of CD-i clips
Camelot
Les Miserables
Ben-Hur
The Godfather
Braveheart
Seven Samurai
And a host of other movies that didn't actually get used

Special thanks to ItsJustSomeRandomGuy, whose “Marvel owned by Disney” song inspired this.

YES, I'm retiring the CD-i censoring. Time to find a NEW way to block profanity on my blog...

What I ACTUALLY wrote...

“FUDGE THIS SILLY REVIEW!” Steel shouted, “IT'S FUNKY KICK-ASK! THE HERO'S A GOSH-DARNED SLACKER WHO JUMPS OFF TO HIS FREAKING ENGLISH TEACHER! HE BECOMES A DANG HERO BECAUSE WHY THE HELP NOT! HE GETS STABBED DURING HIS FIRST CRAP JOB OF HEROING AND PEOPLE THING HE'S A FREAKY QUAIL BECAUSE OF IT! BIG DADDY'S PLAYED BY NICHOLAS CAGE, SO HE'S BAT-SPIT INSANE! HITGIRL'S A FUNNY COW WITH NO SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT KILLING FOOLY GANGSTERS! RED MIST IS A MISERABLE DIMPLE WHO SMOKES WEED ON THE JOB AND IS JUST THERE TO MAKE THEM FUN UP SO HIS DAD CAN KNOCK THEM OFF! SPEAKING OF WHICH, THEY KILL THE FARMER WITH A GOOD, OL' ROCKET LAUCHER! AND, GUESS WHAT? FUNKY KICK-ASP STILL GETS THE GIRL, EVEN THOUGH HE LIED LIKE A SHIV-HEADED DUNCE! AND, IN THE SECOND MOVIE, RED MIST BECOMES THE MUCKSUCKER!”

“AND, AS FOR THESE CRUDDY CENSORS WHO GAVE ME THIS PIECE OF SHOWER SCRIPT, YOU CAN TAKE YOUR COPS AND CRAM THEM UP YOUR APPLES!” Steel shouted, holding up both his index fingers. He quickly said, in a rather calm voice, “Remember, it's the thought that counts.” He then resumed shouted, “SCRAP THIS SCRIPT AND FOLLOW YOU FOR MAKING ME TRY TO SUGAR-COAT THIS REVIEW! I'D SOONER PUT MY DITZ INTO A FUDGING BLENDER AND MAKE A COLA-SMOOTHIE!”

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!
APRIL FOOL!

My "review" of a movie whose title I've only called by name three times...once in the actual review, once for the title, and once for the keywords.

I've been planning this for a while now. Hope you enjoyed it!

The logo is Steel thinking what I probably WOULD if I actually had to review something in this manner. Behind him's a poster of the movie I've reviewed.

And YES, I'll be getting to the Frozen review later.
© 2014 - 2024 Tohokari-Steel
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oODark-DawnOo's avatar
Cue Captain America shouting "LANGUAGE!" But for real, this was glorious!