(Seven rings in hand speed through nights with feet in sand
Seven rings in hand, wonders all under command
Seven rings in hand wild with just one single hand
Seven rings in hand arrowed hearts catch fire now
Myths in minds re-thought
Question all that's known
Legends blurred and torn)
Tohokari-Steel was sitting in his usual spot with an aviator jacket over his Kool-Aid shirt.
"Hi, I'm Tohokari-Steel and THIS is Outta the DVD, where movies face my judgement!" Steel greeted, cheerily, "If you're wondering why I'm wearing this jacket, it's because I'm giving tribute to an anime series that has taken the world by storm. Of course I am talking about Hetalia: Axis Powers!"
"Who would've thought that something based on World War II can be a light-hearted comedy series?" Steel asked, "Originally a webcomic-turned-manga, this anime takes a unique idea and really builds on itmake goofy satires of other countries by turning them into guys (and occasionally girls)."
"This WAS going to be a First Five episode, but considering that the series is an episodic series that's less than five minutes long, I decided to make it a tribute instead." Steel said, "Since it's mainly character-based, I'll be looking over the characters first. And where better to start off than the protagonists...sort ofthe Axis Powers! Starting with Italy!"
(Italy: Yes, sir!)
"Italy, voiced by Todd Haberkorn, a bit of a pansy." Steel said, "But he is GLORIOUS in his pansiness. He's always getting in trouble, is always depending on someone else to bail him out, and is perfectly comfortable with it. Heck, the title itself should give it away! Hetalia basically means 'Helpless Italy'."
"Still, he's an enjoyable pansy. He's pathetic, but that's part of his charm." Steel said, "You ENJOY his loser attitude and just want it to continue."
(Italy feverishly waving white flag.)
"Next up on our list is Germany." Steel said.
(Germany: EVERYBODY SHUT UP! WE CALLED THIS CONFERENCE TO SOLVE THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS, NOT TO FIGHT ABOUT THE PROBLEMS OF OUR PAST!)
"Yeah." Steel stated, "Germany, voiced by Patrick Sietz, is a tough, tall, military-style guy with blonde hair and blue eyes (free cookies to the people who get that). He's one of my favorite characters because he has to CONSTANTLY put up with Italy's cowardice. Still, throughout the series, you can tell that he actually does value their friendship...sometimes in oddly suggestive fashions."
Steel's eyes darted from side-to-side before asking, "The person who made this IS a guy, isn't he?"
"By the way, Germany loves wurst and potatoes." Steel said. He lifted a potato before swallowing it whole. He waited a few seconds before saying, "I've got German blood in me."
"Moving on to the final member of the Axis PowersJapan." Steel said.
(Japan: Preased to meet you.)
"In the English dub, Japan mainly goes by the English stereotype that means he uses the 'r' sound when he should be using the 'l' sound." Steel said, "Since he was isolated for a couple centuries, he's a bit of a recluse and defensive of his personal space. Also, out of the Axis Powers, he's the one who falls into the trope of 'Only Sane Man'...and it is used SO well. On one hand, you've got a push-over pasta lover. On the OTHER, you've got a somewhat fanatical soldier. It's fun to see how Japan reacts to his two allies."
(Italy: Hey, Japan! Wanna see my butt?)
(Japan: Not if you pay me mirrion dorrar.)
"Did he just-?" Xem asked.
"It makes more sense on context, trust me." Steel said.
"Alright, we've talked about the Axis, now onto the Allied ForcesBritain, America, Fance, Russia, and China." Steel continued, "First up, jolly ol' Britain, voiced by Scott Freeman. Who is he? No idea."
"Britain (or England, depending on whether you're a dub or sub person) is freakin' HILARIOUS." Steel said, "He's the irritable character, like Germany. Only he's not a fanatical soldier. He's basically what happens when Germany merges with Japan."
"BOY, that sounds dirty in this series." Kitten Hachi-Chan commented.
"Get lost." Steel ordered.
"Anyway, Britain's irritable, but at least has sanity...and big, bushy eyebrows." Steel continued, "He's also a terrible cook...who sees things from time to time."
(Britain: (looking depressed) It's terrible? You think my food is bland?)
(Italy: THE VERY WORST!)
"Up next..." Steel put on a button with the number 50 on it before grabbing an American flag, "America!"
(America: Okay, so I've like made this really sweet attack plan, which I call Attack Plan Alpha, like alpha dog! WOOF! I think it makes best use of our strengths in the best way possibleBritain goes in suicidal! It's your 'charge-of-the-light-bregade' routine. France gives up without a struggle. As for Russia, just keep sending us your cannon fodder. You'll draw the guns away...from me.)
(Russia: Hold on. Question: what are YOU going to be doing America?)
(America: Good question! I'll do what I always do best! And that means...I'M THE HERO!)
Steel pulled off his glasses and salutes.
"This guy, voiced by Eric Vale, is one of the liveliest characters in the series, mostly because, out of the Allies, he's the youngest." Steel said, "Still, he's hyperactive, high-spirited, and constantly munching on fast food. He's basically the exact opposite of Britain, which leads to a lot of hilarious moments. Though, in flashbacks, they can have some pretty touching moments as well."
"I KNOW I should be kinda insulted by some of the jokes they crack at Americans, but I keep in mind that this series makes fun of ALL countries including its native Japan." Steel continued, "It's cracking jokes, but all in good fun."
"Up next, the cheese-eating surrender monkey himself, France." Steel continued.
(With apologies to the French)
"France, voiced by J. Michael Tatum, is a long-haired pretty-boy." Steel said, "He's egotistical, flirtatious, and cowardly. He's convinced he's strong, when he's actually a coward. He considers himself a ladies' man, but he seems more gay at times."
"Wow, he finally came out and said that about a character." Saire said, patting Steel on the back as she passed.
"And France is HILARIOUS. He's the blowhard you love to see put back into his place." Steel concluded, "He spends so much time building himself up, which only makes it hilarious when he proves himself a coward. My favorite episode with him is when he goes into a flashback of when he was strong...which includes satires of Joan of Arc and Napoleon. Also, the line Britain had about Joan is something that I always remembered during the latest season of Deadliest Warrior...I COULDN'T keep a straight face because of it..."
(Britain: Hey, look everyone! France needs a girl to save him! What a loser!)
"And we mustn't forget this mother of all captions..."
(France's killer techniqueprofiting from the sidelines!)
"Now, onto the most vile, evil, and downright sadistic member of the Allies." Steel said in a low, ominous voice. He then simply said, "Russia."
"From his appearance, you would'nt expect too much out of this guy, voiced by Jerry Jewell." Steel said, "But this guy is the epitomy of all evil. He mentally scars the Baltic States, fantasizes about destroying his allies, and even out-evils a cursed chair Britain used."
(Russia: When I look into all of your stupid faces, I think about how much fun it will be to pound them into dust...)
"So, THAT explains why Systema's the way he is..." Steel said.
A bullet flew past Steel's face. The critic looked over to see Sgt. Systema holding a smoking Makarov pistol in his hand.
"I withdraw my previous statement." Steel whimpered.
"Russia is one of my favorite characters, rivalled by Britain, America, and Canada (who we'll get to in a minute)." Steel said, "His cruelty is just so much fun for me to watch. I don't know WHY, maybe it's my inner sadist laughing at the pain he's causing others or maybe it's because we've all been like this guy at some pointjust torturing other people for entertainment."
"And now, we move onto China." Steel said, "China claims to be Japan's older brother and is obsessed with cooking and Hello Kitty. Now, I don't mean any offense to fans of this character or Chinese, but...I find this character to be unbelievably BORING."
(China: That wasn't very nice!)
"It's not that I hate the character, there really aren't that many characters in this series that I hate." Steel said, "It's just this guy doesn't do much for me. He doesn't give me a lot of laughs and his voice actress, Clarine Harp, sounds kind of grating."
"Wait, wait, wait." Steel said before counting off, "Todd Haberkorn, Patrick Sietz, Eric Vale, J. Michael Tatum, Jerry Jewell, and Clarine Harp? What is this? A Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood reunion? Let's count off who they did in that series..."
"Todd Haberkorn played Ling Yao, Patrick Sietz did Sloth, J. Michael Tatum did Scar (WOW! Didn't expect that!), Jerry Jewell did Barry the Chopper, Clarine Harp did Mrs. Armstrong, and Eric Vale did that explosion-loving nutcase." Steel said. He waited a few seconds before saying, "I'm far too Right-Wing to make a Bush joke."
"Back on trackChina's boring. Not the worst character, but he just doesn't appeal to me very much." Steel concluded.
"Now, onto the last member of the AlliesCanada, also voiced by Eric Vale." Steel said, "This guy is my all-time favorite character because he's just so dang pathetic that it's hard NOT to laugh at him. No offense to Canadians."
"Since he and America look alike, he's constantly getting beaten on by people who mistake him for America." Steel said, "He also appears to be invisible and hardly anyone remembers who he is...except America."
"I also think he's good because he kinda reminds me of myself in real life." Steel said, "I TRY to act tough, but I'm just too good-natured to actually do it."
"Really?" DJ asked.
"BUG OFF OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!" Steel shouted, pulling out his Binelli.
"At least he didn't call me his arch-nemesis..." DJ murmured as he walked out.
"Canadahilarious straight-man or symbol of who we all are, deep down." Steel said before adding, "You be the judge."
"And those guys are just a few of the characters from Hetalia." Steel said, "There are SO many more..."
"Austria, the sophisticated music and art lover." Steel listed off, "Switzerland, the xenophobic soldier with a soft-spot for his sister. Lichtenstein, Switzerland's sweet sister. Ukraine, Russia's emotional older sister. Belarus, Russia's CREEPY little sister. Rome, the drama king who looks like Jack Black if he appeared in Gladiator. Sealand, Britain's little brother who's always trying to be recognized as a nation. The Baltic States (Lithuania, Latvia, and Estonia) Russia's favorite targets who we love to see suffer. Spain, an optimistic tomato-lover. Romano, Italy's foul-mouthed older brother. And SO much more..."
(Greece: Women were not allowed to attend the Olympics and the men had to fight completely naked...)
(Arrow points at Greece.)
(Caption: Vic Mignonga)
"Okay, I'm convinced. This dub was made for the guys from FMA Brotherhood to get together again." Steel stated, "Don't deny it! Just throw in a suit of armor and the cast is complete!"
"This series is available from Funimation. The first two seasons have been really well-dubbed. I haven't seen seasons three and four because...well, I'm more of a dub person." Steel said, "I HIGHLY recommend this series to people who love a good laugh."
"I'm Tohokari-Steel, this was Outta the DVD, and I'M THE HERO!" Steel concluded in a loud voice before switching off the screen.
Iron, RookSano, and Doopliss were standing in a line. RookSano was shaking while Doopliss was covered in bruises (how a sheet could have bruises was anyone's guess).
"Ma'am." Iron said, saluting, "I have requested both RookSano and Doopliss to join and they both agreed."
"He threatened me." RookSano murmured out of the corner of his mouth.
"He beat me into submission." Doopliss replied.
"SILENCE." The menacing, feminine voice ordered, "RookSano. I hope you have been well as of late."
"Oh, uh...it's YOU." RookSano said, nervously.
"Don't tell me you didn't enjoy our time together." The voice stated before saying, "I have come to bring about the end of this planet. This would be the third time I came, all other times I have been thwarted, but not this time. Is there any way we can break this year's champion?"
"Tohokari-Steel?" Doopliss asked, "I dunno..."
"I have an idea." Iron said with a smirk, "We could try breaking his mind with the help of a movie series he hates."
"The Twilight saga?" RookSano asked.
"No, he hates the series, but not enough to cause a mental breakdown." Iron said, "I say we re-introduce him to the series known as...the Disney Sequels!"
"Excellent." The voice said, maliciously.
(TO BE CONTINUED!)
(Hey, hey, Daddy! Pass the soda!
Heya, mommy! Heya, mommy!
I simply can't forget the taste of those mashed potatoes I had!
Draw a circle, there's the earth!
Draw a circle, there's the earth!
Draw a circle, there's the earth!
Ah, a fabulous world that can be seen with a simple stroke of a brush.
The movies I review either suck or rule!