OTD: District 9

Ray yelled as he ran through Steel's HQ. He quickly darted into a bathroom, waited a few seconds, flushed, before he ran out and bolted into Steel's room, locking it.

"Hi, I'm Sarge Ray." He said, looking terrified, "And my little brother's currently being possessed by some evil, cosmic entity that he sealed in a Pikachu plushie, killed one of his team mates, is trying to KILL ME, and I have no idea what to do!"

"I believe I might have a solution to this." came a voice. In a burst of green, binary numbers, a bald version of Steel with sunglasses and a black overcoat appeared, "I am Cyber-Steel—an A/I created by Galaxica to break Steel's mentality, but was reprogrammed to maintain order in the HQ."

"Well, thanks for the info-dump," Ray said, sarcastically, "But I've got other things to worry about, you mass of light and binary numbers."

"Steel had looked over my data many times while I was being reprogrammed." Cyber-Steel said, "Perhaps it would interest you to know that he found something of interest and sealed it away should something like this happen."

"How many scenarios has he planned for?" Ray asked before saying, "Why am I complaining? Can I see it?"

"You may, but it is locked." Cyber-Steel said.

"By what, a password?" Ray asked.

"No." Cyber-Steel answered, "The file can only be opened when the entire running time of a certain movie plays."

"Okay, what movie is it?" Ray asked.

"I believe it is called District 9." Cyber-Steel answered.

Ray's eyes widened before he screwed them up into a scowl. He looked up at the ceiling and shouted, "F-"

(The dark carnival is in town
You'd better be ready
Just follow the parade
Of dancing skeletons
Full of ghoulish delights around every corner
Don't tell your parents you're here
They will soon be mourners
Welcome to the lower birth
The greatest show unearthed
We appear without a sound
The darkest show around
We will leave you in a daze
Madness, murder, dismay
We will disappear at night with blood on the concrete)

"That's not his usual intro." Ray stated.

"Steel included a mix of intros for Halloween and Christmas." Cyber-Steel explained.

"Ah." Ray nodded. He then sighed before saying, "Okay, District 9...this movie came out the same year as Avatar (ANOTHER insanely unoriginal movie) and, for reasons that escape me to this day, both movies were EXTREMELY popular and well-received."

(scenes from movie play)

"This movie didn't hold up that strongly in the box office, audiences preferring Avatar and Up, but SO many critics were enthralled with how 'original' and how 'eye-opening' it was. And, as we all know, being original means copying and pasting from other, more successful movies and recycling the same, 'racism awareness' that existed in cinema since the 60's."

At that point, Cyber-Steel spoke up, "And to address the unoriginality, I shall provide quick lists of other examples of movies that did the same thing this movie does."

"Well, I've never been one to prolong my own suffering, so let's dig into District 9." Ray stated, "This is gonna hurt..."

(Peter Jackson presents...)

"NO!" Ray yelled, "NO, LORD, PLEASE! NO! NOOOOO!!! This film's produced by the man who made Lord of the Rings and the King Kong remake! HOW'D HE THINK THIS WOULD WORK?!"

ZAP!

Ray yelled as something shocked him.

"WHAT?!" he shouted at Cyber-Steel.

"You must focus on the movie, Ray." Cyber-Steel stated.

"Right..." Ray sighed, "Anyway, the movie begins with-OH MY GOSH! IT'S DONE IN THE STYLE OF A DOCUMENTARY! NO MOVIE HAS DONE THAT BEFORE!"

Cyber-Steel pointed with his finger, opening a Window's File.

(Lost Tapes, The Office, Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, 28 Days Later)

"As you can see, this is NOT a new concept in film-making, people." Ray stated.

"So, this guy says that they're basically in charge of an alien race, known as the prawn and their craft is hovering over Johannesburg, South Africa." Ray continued, "People exposit that the ship just hovered there and no one could get in until they decided to cut their way in. There, they find a dark and toxic-looking place as well as an entire race of aliens, the aforementioned prawns. And what does the government DO with these aliens? They throw them in the slums."

(M. Bison: OF COURSE!)

"Okay, anyone else call 'garbage' on that?" Ray asked, "Intelligent life, from another planet that came to Earth...and the government just throws them into a fenced area that soon turns into a slum? HOW IS THIS REALISTIC?!"

"I mean, SERIOUSLY, we live in an age of SCIENCE. We WANT to learn! We NEED to learn!" Ray said, trying not to scream, "THIS would be what people think and the government gets involved!"

(Lisa: Dad, NO! It could unlock the secrets to interstellar travel!)

"Eventually, it goes from stupidity to blatant racist as all these people are wanting them gone." Ray said, getting back on topic.

(Man: If they were from another country, we might understand. But they are not even from this planet at all.)

"OOH!" Ray said with mock-enthusiasm, "Portraying racism without actually using race! That's the most original idea ever!"

Cyber-Steel brought up another image.

(The Day the Earth Stood Still, Alien Nation, Animal Farm, X-Men, anything related to Star Trek, Quest of Theyral)

"Oh, COME ON!" Ray groaned, "Steel's not even here and he's STILL self-advertising?!"

"They go on saying that they look like prawns, hence the name. They can't even give names that well, because these things do NOT look like prawns, which are a form of shrimp. They look more like crosses between locusts and MIB rejects!"

"The film goes on about how violent these aliens are without really taking into consideration that they, themselves, are being a bunch of insensitive jacks. Seriously, did they even consider that, maybe, these aliens are being mean because they're being they're being treated like crap?" Ray asked, "I'm not even ten minutes into this movie and, already, I'm getting tired of it."

"So, they plan to evict the aliens-I can't believe I said that-and move them to a 'better' home. Insert exposition on a man named Wikus and a few moments where he calls out the military and we set right to business."

"Put simply, they have to say 'this is our land, get out'." Ray continued, "They reach the destination and we see some action."

(something jars camera and it shakes as prawn leaps off van)

"Ugh. Even the ACTION is lackluster. The shaky-cam doesn't work for this because, with the camera shaking around as much as it is in this movie, it's awkward and annoying because you can't freakin' FOCUS!"

(Voice over megaphone: We are here to help you!)

(Ray impersonating voice: And when we say that, we mean 'we are here to blow you to pieces with extreme prejudice.' Resistance is futile.)

(team picks up the severed arm of a man a prawn attacked)

"OOH! Shock gore! That's original, isn't it?!" Ray asked with a mix of enthusiasm and questioning.

Cyber-Steel opened a file and showed another quick movie list.

(God of War, The Wolfman, Outlander, practically every scary movie made in the last ten years)

"You picking up what I'm laying down?" Ray asked, "Just wanna make sure I'm sending the right image."

"They continue to herd the aliens at gunpoint, find that catfood is like heroin to them, and even show that they have cockfighting with what look like crosses between whip scorpions and REAL prawns."

(shows picture of a prawn shrimp)

"We then learn that there exists crime between Nigerians and prawns for cat food." Ray continued, but then was cut off by a clip.

(Announcer: Not to mention interspecies prostitution.)

Ray's jaw dropped almost to the floor and, if one were to look at him, one would be able to tell that a LOT of red flags were being waved in his mind.

(The Angry Video Game Nerd: WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!)

"Okay, I know it's not even looked at in detail, nor is it shown (Thank GOD for that), but it's still...ew. Eeew! EWWW!" Ray said, trying to force the images out of his head, "Unfortunately, it gets worse as we see a local crime boss and a nest of prawn eggs...which they immediately cut off from nutrition and then LAUGH about."

"Hehehe...infanticide is funny." Ray said with a sick laugh, then added on a serious note, "No, it's not. It's sick and disturbing."

"They then proceed to...burn the nest sites and hear the eggs explode and compare it to popcorn..." Ray said, looking more and more sickened with each passing moment.

(Weird Al: And you LAUGH AT HIM.)

"Allow me to insert myself into this." Cyber-Steel stated, "Technically, I am a computer program and have no emotions. However, somehow, I am able to see that laughing while talking about killing infants is far from being humorous. Quite the contrary, it is absolutely appalling."

"See, even an A/I can't stand this." Ray growled.

"The whole thing escalates into a not-very-subtle gun control as well as following up infanticide with a vomiting alien. Class act."

"The focus then shifts to a few aliens who find their technology, which only they can operate because of biological functions. They do an alien chemistry project and say that humans cannot find it. Unfortunately, they're on the list of houses to search and, in no time at all, they find their lab and find the canister they tried hiding." Ray let the idea sink in a bit, "Wow...these aliens suck."

"So, Wikus gets sprayed by something and one of the aliens runs amok before getting gunned down and shot in the face."

"We cut to a prawn named Christopher Johnson-yeah, they have human names, and he's a single father...okay, that's kinda cute, it'd make for a nice Spielberg film." Ray said, eyes darting back and forth.

"As they try finding Chris's son, Wikus is immediately coming down with something because he feels hot and starts upchucking. If it isn't an obvious giveaway before, then maybe you'll figure out what's causing it when he starts oozing black gunk out his nose."

(Hint: It has to do with the aliens)

"So, we cut to what looks like an exposition on their involvement with Nigerian gangs, but then we get THIS bit of stupidity." Ray said, holding up his index finger, "Get this: they trick the aliens, kill them, then eat them because they believe it will give them control over their weapons."

"First off, that's the one of the STUPIDEST things I've ever heard and this movie is trying to be taken seriously. Second, this movie is trying to portray racism without actually using race...and they're showing Native Africans as these flesh-eating savages?" Sarge Ray let it sink in, then slowly shook his head, "This is a dumb movie."

"Okay, Wikus is showing more signs that the spray is having an effect on him: fingernails falling out and puking black gunk. Imagine if he turned INTO an alien, that'd be such a cliché and stupid-that's what happens, isn't it?"

(Yes)

"Oh, man, I HATE when I'm right sometimes."

"So, after being admitted to a hospital, the people discover that his arm has already turned into a three-taloned claw. They shove him into a transparent corpse bag and ship him off to cruel and unusual punishment-I mean RESEARCH in weapons' testing. Things turn into 'Deadliest Warrior: Men In Black Division' where he goes from blowing up dead pigs to prawns. Yeah 'want what's best for these aliens my BUTT'."

(Tania: I don't understand. None of this makes sense.)

"Join the crowd, woman." Ray stated.

"So, Wikus breaks loose and makes his escape before they cut out his heart and it turns into a fugitive scene filled to the brim with F-Bombs. He dresses up in his Obi-Wan robe and remains on the run."

(TV Announcer: Wanted for prolonged sexual activity with the aliens of District 9.)

"STOP THAT! You're going to make me sick!" Ray said, trying to hold in the urge to vomit, "You're bringing this WAY too often for it to be unintentional! You've GOT to be enjoying this!"

"We then cut to thirty-one hours later and seeks refuge in District 9. Already, I know where this is going: he's turning into an alien and will be subjected to the same cruelty that the prawns are, learning to sympathize with them. That's a VERY original concept, movie! Too bad we saw that plot in the same, freakin' YEAR!"

(Avatar)

"Oh, and now his teeth are coming out. Crack your own tooth fairy joke, please." Ray stated, "And his wife broke up with him, too. He then thinks that cutting off his arm will end the transformation, but wusses out at the last second and cuts off one of his fingers instead of the whole arm."

"He hides in the prawn named Christopher's house and finds that they're building a ship to take them to the mothership."

(Wikus: You're intelligent? Haha! I always knew prawns were intelligent.)

"This coming from the guy who treated them like garbage, cussed at them, and char-broiled their young while comparing it to popcorn?"

(Troll: There has been a contradiction!)

"Seriously, he never really treated them like they were the least bit intelligent. He treated them like monsters, criminals, or just parasites. If he did think of them as intelligent, it didn't show previously."

"So, their best option is to get into the MNU building to get the fluid back. Wikus' transformation is accelerating, so it's really the best option they have. Later, it turns out his skin is peeling off to reveal more and more alien."

"We later cut to a scene with the alien father and son talking about home and, honestly, it's a decent scene. It's about this father talking to his son about home, the son never having seen it. Dear lord, a touching, yet heartwarming scene where the father says that they may never go home...Why couldn't this movie be about THAT instead of a needlessly-cruel and unrealistic racism-PSA?!"

"So, they need weapons or it will be a suicide mission, so Wikus goes to the local crime lord who wants to cut off the alien arm and eat it. Not taking kindly to it, Wikus grabs an alien gun and threatens them with it, making his escape."

"The local government tries hunting them down in a shack, but the fugitives aren't there. Wikus and Christopher later arrive and shoot the place up. They find the tube and Christopher discovers the husk of another prawn and gets all 'sentimental-so-won't-move-even-in-line-of-fire'."

"They blow their way out with a surprisingly-fast-made bomb and escape to District 9, but the deal is changed when Christopher wants to save his people. Wikus knocks him out and pretty jumpstarts a hidden spaceship...which swiftly gets shot down."

(FAIL)

"Wikus gets taken away while the son remains hidden and undiscovered. Crime lords attack the military vehicles and promptly loot the place, taking Wikus hostage, wanting to eat his arm in the belief that he will gain its power. That didn't work before, so why should it work NOW?"

"Meanwhile, prawn junior does some mumbo jumbo that shatters building windows and brings a robot to life, killing the crime lord and allowing the ship to move. I'm sorry, but it all happened so fast that I still am having trouble grasping what happened."

"While the big, bad army men are trying to grasp what's going on, Wikus gets in the robot suit and...runs away?" Ray asked, "You have a freakin' GIANT robot suit, and you just use it to run away?"

(blast blows a man to pieces)

"Oh, NOW he uses it to fight?" Ray asked, "What is UP with this movie?"

Ray put a finger to his chin. "Y'know, it suddenly occurs that this alien revolt isn't as bad as the one from 'Avatar'. Why? The prawns have technology beyond Earth's, so it actually makes sense that they'd fight back and have an advantage. It's a contrast to Avatar where arrows and animals beat spaceships and giant robots."

"Anyway, Wikus saves Christopher and the two make a run for it."

"OOH! Giant robots causing mayhem! That's original, right?"

(Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen—came out the EXACT SAME YEAR!)

"Also, all this blood spattering on the camera looks freaky for the first few times, but if you do it at every open opportunity, it starts to wear thin!"

"Anyway, throughout this whole action scene, funny stuff happens even though this movie is supposed to be dark and serious. It's a common event in this movie: something stupid and hind-sightedly hilarious in something that's supposed to be taken seriously. It's just...awkward."

"The mothership beams up Christopher's ship and Wikus' giant robot is defeated in some of the most hilarious ways possible (hit from behind with a car and catching a rocket, which isn't as awesome as it sounds)."

"Wikus gets out of the robot, now has a prawn eye, and is threatened at gunpoint. Fortunately, the other prawns gang up on his attacker and dismember him."

(Narrator: And there was much rejoicing.)

"We cut to the interior of the ship and, honestly, the tech that these aliens have is fascinating...but then we arrive back at one of the first points I made." Ray cleared his throat, before going into all-out rant mode.

"These are intelligent life forms from another FREAKIN' PLANET! Why didn't we try to communicate with them and learn from them! They came here from outer space and we just assume that they're all filthy, parasitic LOWLIFES?! I don't care what you all say. To ANYONE who claims this is realistic, IT. IS. NOT! IT. JUST. ISN'T!!!" To finish his rant, Ray let out a long and frustrated yell before massaging his temples and mumbling, "Almost done...almost done..."

"The mothership flies off and, supposedly, Wikus has gone missing, and Christopher is going home. District 9 is demolished, but District 10 is now housing aliens and continuing growth. How do I know this? The convenient pre-credits exposition captions."

"Add in a bit more exposition and we're done." Ray said, then held up the copy of a DVD, "THIS MOVIE WAS STUPID!"

"How? How can people praise this movie for its originality? It has ripped off several cliches, some of which were from movies made in the EXACT SAME YEAR. It uses every possible camera trick, CGI design, and every cliché storyline to trick its audience into thinking it's saying more than it really is!"

"You can't call it dramatic, serious, or realistic. The situations aren't realistic and several moments are hilarious in hindsight. If you want to make a movie that depicts racism...why don't you make a movie about that with PEOPLE instead of making a contrived alien sci-fi film?"

"I don't even know what to say anymore. It's just BAD." Ray concluded with, "And, no, do NOT say 'I don't get it'. I got every single message it was trying to send and I still say this movie isn't worth your time."

"If I may intervene, Ray." Cyber-Steel said, appearing again, "I have been programmed to mimic Steel's thoughts and opinions. And, considering his massive ego, he must insert his own opinion."

"Go on." Ray said.

"First and foremost, he does share the majority of your opinions, including that this movie is bad." Cyber-Steel said, "However, he also points out that you missed something: it has many new and original concepts, but does not take advantage of any of them, instead opting to be clichéd and forced. Ultimately, he concludes that it had potential to be something truly profound, but failed to do so because of lazy writing and directing."

"There, I've seen the movie. Open up that file!" Ray ordered.

"Affirmative." Cyber-Steel said, opening up a window. He then narrated, "What you are about to see is a brief movie Steel made two months ago."

Steel sighed as he sat down in front of a camera.

"Hi, I'm Tohokari-Steel and...this ISN'T Outta the DVD." Steel introduced, "If you're viewing this, it means that the unthinkable has just happened and Galaxica has possessed me. Oddly enough...no, I didn't have something planned out for precautionary measures. I DO, however, have to say this—I have researched Galaxica thoroughly by examining Black's book and by asking questions of RookSano. Unless another way can be found...you will have to kill me."

(TO BE CONTINUED...)

(Border line,
Dead inside.
I don't mind,
Falling to pieces.
Count me in, violent
Let's begin, feeding the sickness.
How do I simplify,
Dislocate - the enemy's on the way.
Show me what it's like
To dream in black and white,
So I can leave this world tonight.
Full of fear,
Ever clear.
I'll be here,
Fighting forever.
Curious,
Venomous,
You'll find me
Climbing to heaven.
Never mind,
Turn back time.
You'll be fine - I will get left behind.)

Ray's Opinion:
Pros:
-Alien single father is a nice concept

Cons:
-Not original like people say it is
-Far from "realistic"
-Some moments are hilarious in something that's supposed to be dark and edgy
-Comes off as mean-spirited
-Shaky camera gets annoying
-Pulls every trick to lie about how it's not cliché

Final Score: 2/10

Steel's Opinion:
Pros:
-Has several interesting ideas (best being the alien single-father)
-Pretty good effects

Cons:
-Doesn't take advantage of the good ideas
-SEVERAL clichés and lazy writing

Final Score: 2.5/10

Clips Used:
Greatest Show Unearthed by Creature Feature
District 9
Street Fighter
Angry Video Game Nerd
UHF
The Story Teller
Monty Python & The Holy Grail
Unknown Soldier by Breaking Benjamin

Steel's notes:
*A bit of research reveals that they aliens are named after the Parktown prawn, a kind of cricket from South Africa that's generally considered a pest. I can see some similarities, but it's not really explained in the movie.
*This film was banned in Nigeria. Not surprisingly, they weren't too flattered with how the movie portrayed them.

(Tania: I don't understand. None of this makes sense.)