OTD: Breaking Bad

(A large man with a thin mustache walked over to his closet. He pulled out a Kingdom Hearts shirt before walking out, smirking.
OUTTA THE DVD!
A serious face, a subtle face- You show a lot of faces
The man walked out with a smug look.
TOHOKARI-STEEL
As Steel walked by, he passed a black katana and a jar. Two spirits emerged—a samurai warrior and a woman clad in white.
BLACK SHOGUN AND KAZUMI
Even if you're told so, you still don't know what to do
Steel waved as he passed an anthropomorphic skunk and smacked the head of an anthro tiger wearing a Hawaiian shirt. The tiger wheeled around, looking irritated.
BINDITHESKUNK AND XEMNAS1992
All people have a part they're hiding in themselves, right?
Steel yelped as a girl around his age with long, black hair and lavender eyes quickly hugged him.
AKIA AOI
Like that, like this, like there, I can't say it in words immediately
Steel got free and immediately saw a white, ferret-like creature with a long tail and small, pinkish-red eyes.
KYUBEY
It's you who pretends to be cheerful in front of others
Steel yelled before running away as fast as he could, passing by a shinigami wearing a pink bathrobe and reading a magazine. Not far away was a short Hollow with a large mask, large three-fingered hands, and rather devious red eyes. The Hollow was hauling around a large sack as the shinigami simply sat on a red Lazy-Boy.
JERRY THE SHINIGAMI AND STEVE THE HOLLOW
And you don't whine about things, but-
Steel sighed as he entered a room, where a gray hedgehog with visor/sunglasses was working on a chain gun. He saw Steel and gave the thumbs'-up. Not far away was a man with a big, white beard, a Santa hat, a tuxedo, and a shot glass, which he raised with a grin. Next to him was a vampire, who gave Steel a mocking smirk.
COOLY MCAWESOME, SANTA BOND, AND TONY VALENTINO
Even if 100 years pass, you should be yourself; if you love me, you should shout 'I love you'
Steel sighed, remembering a blue-haired girl and a Filipino boy. A tear rolled down his cheek, but he turned and saw his team before grinning widely.
Ready Go! Fly away! Being yourself is great
Steel sighed as he put a movie into the DVD player, his team crowding around him. He glared at them briefly before sighing.
If you want to cry, you should cry to your heart's content
Steel pressed 'play' on the remote.
I'm behind you
Written by Tohokari-Steel
Edited and Starring UniversalStudiosGeek
Theme Song: Ready, Go! By May'n)

Geek walked up to Steel’s front door and knocked. Inside, Steel was shaving his head.

“Huh...I seem to have forgotten WHY I showed up in the first place.” Geek commented, “Oh well.”

Steel pulled a black coat on as he picked up a pork pie hat.

“I hope they still make that shampoo I like.” Geek said.

Steel put it on his head as he began walking down the stairs.

“And, as said by the wise man, Aristotle...who the HECK am I talking to?” Geek asked.

The door swung open and an arm grabbed Geek by the collar before dragging him in. Geek let out a yell as it turned out to be Steel.

“Oh, hi, Steel!” Geek exclaimed, cheerily, “What’re you up to?”

“I’m in the vengeance business, Geek.” Steel said, leading Geek into his room, “For nearly a year now, you’ve been showing up at the least-convenient times to force me to review two-part episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. An act which successfully ROBBED me of most of my masculinity...”

“Is that why you have that One Direction poster?” Geek asked.

Steel promptly tore down the poster in question, crumpled it up, and threw it away.

“You saw NOTHING.” He stated, “Anyway, I decided that it was time to...well, get even.”

At that point, the door slammed shut on its own and locked itself. Geek looked at the door in horror and bolted over, grabbing the knob and trying to open it in vain. He then wheeled around, back against the door with wide-eyed terror.

“I think you’ll find escape is quite impossible.” Steel stated.

“Wait...AHA!” Geek said, rummaging through his pockets, “The door is shut, but I still have my-”

“Looking for this?” Steel asked, holding up Geek’s Hyper Pen.

“Why yes, I-” Geek said, cheerily. Then his face fell as he asked, “How’d you get that?”

“Not important.” Steel said, sliding it into his pocket.

Geek, having been successfully cornered by this apparently ticked-off film critic who possibly had death on his mind, did the sensible thing: fall to his knees and start begging.

“PLEASE, DON’T KILL ME! I’M TOO PRETTY TO DIE! OR JUST MORTALLY WOUNDED AND FORCED TO LIE IN A POOL OF MY OWN BLOOD!” He pleaded, “PLEASE! I’VE GOT SO MANY FANMAKES TO PROCRASTINATE ON AND SO MANY MORE VIDEO GAMES TO PLAY! I PRE-ORDERED SUPER SMASH BROS. FOR THE 3DS!! I’LL DO ANYTHING,” he then added in a rather calm voice, “Well, within reason anyway. BUT I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!”

Steel looked at Geek with a rather...perplexed look. He then cleared his throat and said, “Dude, I won’t kill you. Even I wouldn’t go that far. I...just thought we could make a review together, only of a show that I like.”

“Really?” Geek asked, looking up and standing upright, “Well...that was embarrassing. So, what’s the review then, buddy?”

Steel tossed Geek a cap and put on a pair of sunglasses, “Geek...time to REVIEW.”

“For those of you who don’t know, Breaking Bad was a show on AMC, created by X-Files writer, Vince Gilligan.” Steel said, “Apparently, the conception came about when he wanted to write a story where the protagonist became the antagonist (or, in his own words, ‘Turn Mr. Chips into Scarface’) and he and a friend joked about saving their job by making meth in an RV. The show was a major hit, winning several awards and promoting Bryan Cranston to near-godhood.”

“And, because Steve decided to turn the tool shed into a crack house for reasons GOD ONLY KNOWS, I figured the timing couldn’t be better.” Steel said.

“So...if I’m your version of Jesse, does this mean I can spam the formal term for female dog?” Geek asked.

“If you want.” Steel shrugged.

“Oh boy!” Geek exclaimed, taking a deep breath in.

(Scout: BONK!
Medic: NEIN!
Heavy: PUT!
Demo-Man: KA-BOOM!
Sniper: BLIGHTER!
Soldier: MAGGOT!
Pyro: MMMFFF!)

Geek looked confused, “What was that?”

“Oh, Ray installed a new censor machine.” Steel said, “Gotta admit, it’s a lot better than the last one.”

“Eh, whatever.” Geek shrugged. A thought suddenly occurred to him as he asked, “Steel, won’t you get any backlash for this? I mean, the show’s pretty popular...”

“Oh, I had the same conversation with Akia...” Steel said, looking off into the distance.

A few hours earlier...

“Steel, I’ve said it before,” Akia said as she and Steel were standing in the living room. Steel was sitting on the couch, running his fingers over his recently-shortened hair, “If you are in danger, you put off the review.”

“No, no.” Steel growled, “I don’t want to hear about PUTTING IT OFF...”

“I DO NOT say that lightly.” Akia stated, “I KNOW what it could do to this blog, but if it’s the ONLY real choice we have, if it’s either that or you getting lynched by fans of the show when you open your front door-”

“I don’t want to HEAR about PUTTING IT OFF.” Steel repeated, raising his voice.

“You’re NOT someone invulnerable to backlash, Steel.” Akia snapped, “You are in over your head. That’s what we tell them! That’s the TRUTH!”

“That is NOT the truth.” Steel said.

“OF COURSE IT IS.” Akia said, “A critic, been making reviews infrequently, desperate for views-”

“We’re done here.” Steel said, standing up and walking off.

“Roped into it, unable to even QUIT?” Akia asked, turning to look at Steel as he tried to leave, “You told me that YOURSELF, Steel. What was I thinking? Steel, please. Let’s both of us stop trying to justify this whole thing and admit you’re in danger!”

Steel turned over to Akia with a look of disbelief on his face.

“Who are you talking to?” he asked, walking back to her, “Who is it you think you see? Do you know how many views I get a WEEK? Even if I TOLD YOU, you wouldn’t believe it. Do you know what would happen if I suddenly decided to stop writing these? A review series that most people don’t give a crap about goes belly-up. DISAPPEARS. It CEASES to exist without me. No, you CLEARLY don’t know who you’re talking to, so let me clue you in.” Steel then said in his best Bryan Cranston voice, “I am NOT in danger, Akia. I AM the danger. A guy opens the door and gets insulted and you think that of me? No...I AM THE ONE WHO INSULTS.”

At that point, Steel turned and walked away, leaving Akia speechless.

Present...

Geek was looking at Steel, who finished recounting the tale.

“Was that true?” he asked.

“Well, most of it.” Steel replied, “I DID ask Akia who she was talking to, but it turns out she was talking with Bindi about a COMPLETELY different topic. It was kinda funny, really.”

“O-kay.” Geek said, “So...why bother delaying? Let’s see the bi-(Soldier: Farm!) series that showed chemistry teachers how they, too, can succeed in the meth business. This is Breaking Bad!”

“Our series begins with...”

A pair of pants fly across the sky.

The two looked perplexed at that. Steel’s only response was to cue a clip.

(Narrator: And so, world peace was brought about by a single pair of Italian underpants.)

“Actually, this is a non-starter.” Geek said, “It’s actually part of a getaway attempt by our Villain Protagonist, Walter White (played by Bryan Cranston). He gets out as soon as the RV he’s driving crashes, puts his shirt on, pries a gun from the hand of a corpse in the back, and grabs a video camera.”

“Don’t worry, this’ll ALL make sense by the end...possibly.” Steel said.

Walter: *into a video camera* My name is Walter Heartwell White. I live at 1308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico. To all law enforcement entities, this is not an admission of guilt...

“It’s just me saying that I was involved in some heinous act.” Geek said. He paused before asking, “That’s different, right?”

“So, he goes up and prepares to make his final stand.” Steel said.

Walter holds up the pistol and the screen goes black.

THE END!

Look at what’s happened to me...
I can’t believe it myself

“No, it’s not the end.” Steel said, “It’s the prelude to the opening sequence with that cool intro music. Our story actually opens up three weeks earlier.”

“Three weeks before the opening sequence?” Geek asked.

“Guess so.” Steel shrugged.

Walter is lying in bed with Skylar, wide awake.

“Was I in the Street Fighter II movie or wasn’t I?” Steel asked, sounding concerned.

“We cut to breakfast, where it turns out that Walter has just hit the big 5-0.” Geek continued, “We find his wife, Skylar (played by Anna Gunn), and his son, Walter, Jr. (played by RJ Mitte).”

“Just a bit of cool trivia here.” Steel said, “Walter, Jr. has cerebral palsy, a mental condition that affects motor functions. RJ Mitte has it as well, though to a lesser extent (Walter, Jr. needs crutches to move while RJ can walk on his own). Just throwing that out there.”

“After some dialogue between Walter, Jr. and his family, Walter goes to his job as a chemistry professor at a high school.” Steel continued.

Walter: Chemistry is the study of...what?
Student: Chemicals.
Walter: Chemicals...NO. Chemistry, well technically, chemistry is the study of MATTER. But I prefer to see it as the study of change. Now, just think about this. *lights Bunson Burner* Electrons, they change their energy levels. Molecules, they combine and change into compounds. Well, that’s...that’s all of life, right? It’s the constant. It’s the solution, dissolution, over and over and over. It is growth then decay then TRANSFORMATION! It is fascinating, really.

(Alphonse Elric: In those days, we really believed that to be the world’s one and only truth.)

“How long have you been waiting to make a Fullmetal Alchemist reference?” Geek asked.

“Too long...” Steel replied.

“We then cut to Walter’s part-time job, working at a carwash for this East-European jerk with eyebrows to make the ones Snow White from Mirror Mirror had look unnoticeable.” Geek continued, “However, he hits a low when he’s forced to be one of the guys cleaning the cars...one of which belongs to a student whose head he chewed off in class.”

“Only one thing could make this scene more degrading.” Steel said.

Cutaway Gag...

As Walter continues to wash the car, a cream pie falls right onto his head.

End Gag...

“And with that, rock bottom has been reached.” Steel said.

“He then goes home to a surprise birthday party, where we find out that Skylar’s going through an unplanned pregnancy and we meet Walter’s brother-in-law, Hank, the show’s DEA badass.” Geek continued, “After giving him a toast, they change the channel, which is a news coverage of Hank busting up a drug operation.”

Walter looks over and sees piles of cash on the TV screen.

“Hmm...I wonder...” Geek said, looking oddly tempted by something.

“GEEK!” Steel snapped, “We are critics, not drug-dealers. We have STANDARDS! Besides, everyone knows Marijuana’s the money-maker.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Geek said with a sigh. He then asked, “Should we start watching Weeds for tips?”

“Most definitely.” Steel nodded.

“That night...” Geek said.

In bed, Skylar’s watching something on her computer. She reaches over to Walter and puts her hand beneath the blanket.
Walter: What’s up?
Skylar: You tell ME, birthday boy. *waits a bit, slowly moving her hand* So, what’s up for Saturday?
Walter: The wash. Said they need me.

“Should we be watching this?” Geek asked, sounding uncomfortable.

“Seriously, it’s some more establishment of Walter having what appears to be a mid-life crisis, but it doesn’t distract by the fact that it INVOLVES A HAND-JOB.” Steel said, “Then again, I’d be shocked if anyone was actually paying attention to what goes on when they watch Game of Thrones when the ladies aren’t showing off...”

“After...THAT,” Geek continued, “Walter passes out at his carwash job and is rushed to the hospital. After he’s fixed up, the doctor gives him the good news.”

Doctor: Mr. White? You understood what I’ve just said to you.
Walter: Yes. Lung cancer. Inoperable. Best case scenario, with chemo, I’ll live...maybe a couple years.

“You see why I ditched that gag?” Steel asked.

“Yes, yes I do.” Geek nodded.

There was a pause between the two before Steel said, “It’s just that it gets EXTREMELY predictable and-”

“Hey, hey.” Geek said, putting a hand on Steel’s shoulder, “I get it, man. I really do...”

“Going over this news, we cut to him working at the carwash.” Steel said, “Start singing, Geek, and I pull out the gun.”

“He then decides to give his two week notice.” Geek said.

Boss: Walter! C’mon, man, I’m short-handed outside and need you to do some wipe-downs.
Walter: What?
Boss: I said I need you outside to do some wipe-downs. Are you here to work or to be staring at the skies? C’mon, let’s go.
Walter: *walks by* F-(Scout: BOINK!)-you, Bagda.
Boss: What?
Walter: I SAID F-(Medic: SPY!)-YOU! AND YOUR EYEBROWS!

“Well...that was unexpected.” Geek commented.

“Still not as bad as when I quit my last job.” Steel said, looking off into the distance.

Somewhere out there, a smoking crater was smack dab in the middle of a freeway.

Steel looked back as he said, in a rather soft and remorseful tone, “I can never go back to Taco Bell...”

“We then cut to Walter, lighting matches while tossing them into the pool.” Geek said.

“Uh...deep?” Steel asked.

“No, deep END.” Geek corrected with a smile.

“Geek, that joke was so moronic that I have no words for it.” Steel said.

“Walter calls up Hank and takes him up on his offer for a ride-along.” Geek continued, “They’re staking out a house that they assume is the meth lab of a guy named Captain Cook.”

“LAME.” Steel said.

“Oh and I guess you speak from experience?” Geek asked.

“Yeah, but I also know a lamer name than that.” Steel said.

“Well, I do, too.” Geek said as the two took a deep breath.

“UniversalStudiosGeek.” Steel said.

“Tohokari-Steel.” Geek said at the exact same time.

The two stared at each other, wide-eyed with shock. They then slowly embraced each other.

“Nice to know that I can find comfort in your arms.” Geek said.

“If there weren’t slash fics before, there sure will be NOW...” Steel murmured.

“The DEA raids the building, arresting the guy they think is Captain Cook.” Steel continued, “However, they are mistaken. It’s actually a former-student of Walt’s, Jesse Pinkman (played by Aaron Paul). His introduction is...interesting.”

Jesse climbs out a window, slipping some pants on. A topless woman tosses his remaining garments after him.

(Deadpool: WHOA!)

“Well, if he doesn’t leave a good impression, at least he’ll leave a LASTING one.” Steel said.

“D-do ya think we can go back a sec?” Geek asked, reaching for the remote. Steel swiped it away.

“No. We review first, we can gawk later.” Steel stated.

Jesse makes a shushing motion at Walter before he runs off to his car and drives off.

“Later, Walter tracks down Jesse because he’s still in their filing system.” Geek continued, “After beating around the bush, he finally makes his proposition to Jesse.”

Walter: I’m thinking that maybe...you and I could partner up.

“Is that what you do to get co-hosts?” Geek asked, “Wait...wait, you DO, but with more knives.”

“You know me so well.” Steel nodded.

Jesse: *smirks, as if close to laughter* You...uh, you wanna cook crystal meth? YOU? You and me?
Walter: That’s right. Either that or I turn you in.

“You ALSO use that line with co-hosts?” Geek asked.

“Yes.” Steel said, “I suddenly find myself empathizing with this character.”

“We cut to Skylar and her sister, Marie.” Geek continued, “You’re not missing much by skipping it. Moving on. We then cut to Walter White, stealing supplies from school.”

“Seriously, WHO makes a story where the protagonist STEALS from the school?” Steel asked. Geek cleared his throat as he gestured to the first chapter of The Elite. Steel stared, “Wow, crack at self AND self-advertising.”

“You’re reaching new heights!” Geek exclaimed.

“Walter shows Jesse their new equipment and, already, there’s friction between the genius chemistry teacher and local low-life.” Steel continued, “They DO agree that the best method of cooking meth is an RV.”

“Geek, are you pondering what I’M pondering?” Steel asked.

“I think so, Steel, but who’d watch Snow White and the Seven Samurai?” Geek asked.

After a pause, Steel simply said, “I would.”

“Later, they meet and exchange cash.” Geek said, “Later in the series, we learn that Jesse uses most of it on hookers and blow...not that we blame him in the slightest.”

“No, no we don’t.” Steel nodded.

Jesse: Why’re you doing this?
Walter: Why’re YOU?
Jesse: Money. Man, someone straight like you, giant stuck up his- (Engineer: Gun.) all the sudden, age 60, is just gonna break bad?