OTD: A Troll In Central Park

(Seven rings in hand speed through nights with feet in sand
Seven rings in hand, wonders all under command
Seven rings in hand wild with just one single hand
Seven rings in hand arrowed hearts catch fire now

Make-believes reborn
Myths in minds re-thought
Question all that's known
Legends blurred and torn)

Steel was in his usual spot.

"Hi, I'm Tohokari-Steel and THIS is Outta the DVD, where movies face my judgement." Steel introduced, "Once upon a time, there was an animation director named Don Bluth. He made such timeless movies as Secret of NIMH, Land Before Time, An American Tail, and All Dogs Go to Heaven. But then he made Rock-A-Doodle, THAT sucked. Then The Pebble and the Penguin, THAT sucked. Then Anastasia, which was hit-and-miss. So...WHAT happened? I'll tell ya what—it's THIS movie! A Troll in Central Park!"

(scenes from movie play)

"Hoo boy, I'm in trouble." Steel said, "I may still watch kinda kiddy movies like Winnie the Pooh and Land Before Time, but they still appeal to an older audience because of nostalgia and hidden mature themes. This is all kids with NO form of intelligence as far as the eye can see. So, let's not deny the pain anymore. Let's dig right into..."

Suddenly, someone barged in. It appeared to be Krang, the evil brain guy from TMNT.

Steel sighed, "Is this some risidual reality warping from the Sonichu review?"

"NO, Tohokari-Steel! It is I, your new arch-foe!" the brain mutant proclaimed.

"Oh, wait, I haven't changed back? Dang that TMNT convention messed me up," the Krang-look-a-like mumbled, and started to change...

"O-kay, I'll just wait here then." Steel said, pulling out a Far Side comic and flipping through the pages, all the while saying, "Oh, NOW I get it..."

But while the critic read his comic, the fake Krang transformed into Meta Knight before pointing his Galaxia Sword at Steel, "Now face your doom!"

Steel put away the comic before pulling out his automatic crossbow, "Unless you've got a good reason to be here, get out before I shoot you."

"Eeeerrrr...." Meta Knights murmured, before looking at himself "Darn! Wrong transformation" The fake Meta Knight transforms into the sheeted spell-caster we all know: Doopliss! "Now point that thing away," Doopliss suggested, smirking, "...or I'll do it for you!"

With a burst of blue magic, Steel's crossbow flew out of his hand and landed a yard away. Doopliss let out an evil cackle before flying directly at Steel...who simply punched him out of the air.

"I'm not intimidated by ya." The critic stated, "I sat through the Hannah Montana movie."

"Ohhhh, that smarts...." Doopliss mumbled,"...but not good enough!"

Doopliss flung a fireball that knocked him out. Seizing time, Doopliss ran over to the fallen critic, and picked him up, and, using a Suplex move from Kirby games, threw him in the air and punched him. The critic flew across the room, and slammed into a wall.

"Okay, NOW I'm intimidated by ya." Steel said, pulling out his Spartan Helment, "But not intimidated ENOUGH! SPARTAN SHIELD!"

Steel was suddenly encased in bronze before punching Doopliss right in the face.

"Your Spartan Shield is no match for my magic powers!" Doopliss announced, after flying across the floor. He summoned a giant fireball move, and not only did it deactivate the Spartan Helmet, it burned Steel's katana to cinders.

"Hey! THAT COST ME MONEY!" Steel shouted before growling, "It's on..."

Steel pulled out his Black Dino Gem, but nothing happened.

"What the-?" Steel quickly ran a scanner across his gem before shouting, "FIFTY-NINE PERCENT?! SCRAP IT!"

"Boy, I got off easy." Doopliss simply said.

"But you're not gonna last much longer." Steel said, pulling out his Black Katana, "Say hello to my LITTLE FRIEND!"

Steel drew his katana and, in a flash of light, was replaced with the Black Shogun.

"Steel needs another kid put into his place again?" Black asked, coolly. He pointed his blade at Doopliss, "Bring it on."

"Well, this is going to be a VERY interesting fight..." Doopliss said before lunging at him!

(MANY hours later...)

Shogun and Doopliss looked exhausted as they just stood, staring at each other.

"Say, what was that movie you were going to review?" Doopliss asked.

"Don't ask me." Black replied, "It's STEEL who reviews movies."

Black sheathed his katana. In a flash of light, Steel was back.

"SAY HELLO TO MY GERMAN FRIEND!" Steel shouted, pulling out his Luger pistol.

Doopliss raised his sheeted arms up and said:,"Let's not be hasty here. I just want to know what movie you where going to review."

"Oh. Is THAT all?" Steel asked. He slid the Luger into a holster on his belt and said, "Well, I'm reviewing 'A Troll In Central Park'."

"Wait, 'A Troll In Central Park'?" Doopliss asked, "I HATE that movie!"

"Well, in THAT case, Mr. Haunted Bedsheet, we're sitting through this TOGETHER." Steel said, grabbing Doopliss and dragging him over to the couch and shoving him right down next to him as he sat down.

"Do I HAVE to?" Doopliss complained, "I've already reviewed Jungle Book 2 AND Deca Sports..."

"Guess you shoulda thought of that BEFORE you beat me up and burned my katana to cinders." Steel said, "So, shut up and help me with this or I'll call the Ghost Busters."

Doopliss's eyes grow wide. "No! Don't call Ghostbusters! Egon has a bone to pick with me..."

"Shut up." Steel ordered as the movie started.

"Oh, I'm gonna be in a world of pain..." Doopliss groaned.

"So our movie begins with a somewhat cool-looking place called the Kingdom of Trolls." Steel said, "Fun fact: I know a few places on the Internet that can be called that."

"But soon we meet our hero, who looks like the hideous result of the lion from Wizard of Oz having an affair with a hobbit," Doopliss said, still with an angred face.

"His name's Stanley the Troll." Steel said. He sighed before saying, "I wish our protagonist was Stan the Man instead..."

(Stanley the Troll with Stan Lee's head pasted on top of it.)

(Steel imitating Mr. Lee: Plantin' flowers, true believers. Excelsior!)

"It turns out that Stanley has an 'amazing' power to grow 'pwecious, beautiful' flowers," Doopliss said in a mocking tone.

"Y'know what? YOU stay here and review this." Steel said as he quickly tried escaping.

His attempt was twarted as Steve the Hollow grabbed him, punched him in the face, and shoved him back into the couch.

"He makes a good argument..." Steel said, dazedly.

"Thanks Steve!" Doopliss said as the Hollow walked out. He then turned over to Steel and said, "you are going to review this (CENSORED)ing movie with me, so sit the (CENSORED) down and review this unspeakable evil."

"Thank God for censoring." Steel murmured before continuing, "So, yeah. Stanley can grow flowers—one of the LEAST heterosexual powers I've ever seen. But, unfortunately for him, flowers aren't allowed in the Kingdom of Trolls."

(Troll: I thought I saw one of them, um-um-um...FLOWER tings. Oh well, have a rotten day. (walks away, singing 'I'm a Bad Troll))

"Who wrote this?" Steel murmured.

"Stanley's voiced by Dom DeLuise." Steel said, "Imagine. Dom DeLuise in a Don Bluth movie. That's like imagining a Pixar film without John Ratzenburger or a Tim Burton film without Johnny Depp or Helena Bonham Carter."

"However, the trolls are onto Stanley's flowery ways, and is sent to Gnorga, the Queen of Trolls," Doopliss said.

(Gnorga: (singing) No face shall smile. No star shall glow...)

"Huh. Looks like Lady Gaga if she was SLIGHTLY more deformed than she already is." Steel said before quickly darting behind Doopliss.

(Crowd: BOO! BOO!)

Bits of debris flew out, aimed at Steel, but wound up hitting Doopliss instead.

"OW! OW! HEY!" Doopliss yelled.

"So, yeah. Gnorga and her husband put Stanley on trial." Steel said.

(Gnorga: He is good, he is kind, he is gentle...his giving a bad name to trolls EVERYWHERE! (grabs her husband) STONE HIM!)

"Boy, I sure wish I was stoned right now..." Steel murmured.

"Oh, don't worry, he's already been stoned," Doopliss said, "I should also mention that the husband's name is Llort, and that's Danish for crap. That describes this movie!"

"So, Llort convinces Gnorga to send him to a place of rock and steel where nothing grows." Steel said, "Which is...Central Park, New York."

(Kuni: STUPID! YOU'RE SO STUPID!)

"Well, why can't Stanley just summon an Audrey II plant to eat Gnorga with his green thumb?" Doopliss asked.

("Mean Green Mother" plays while Audrey II munches on Gnorga)

"Stanley winds up in Central Park. PARK, mind you." Steel said, "He's then greeted by a savage dog and goes into a chase scene that refuses to end. I can sit through scenes that go on forever as long as they're entertaining. This is NOT among them."

"Soon Stanley winds up under a bridge," Doopliss said before chuckling and nudging Steel, "Get it?"

"I get it. It's just not funny." Steel stated.

"Yeah." Doopliss said, "We then cut to a family living in New York."

"Played by British people who hardly try hiding their accents of all things." Steel said, "The accents on Hetalia: Axis Powers are more genuine than this. At least there, it's intentionally bad."

"We meet two bratty kids named Gus and Rosy. Gus apperently wants to do what he wants to do," Doopliss said.

(Gus: I want to do what I want to do! I want to do what I want to do! (slightly faster) I want to do what I want to do! (a bit faster) I want to do what I want to do! (MUCH faster) I want to do what I want to do! (so fast it's squeaky) I want to do what I want to do!)

(Germany: With that kind of attitude, my only option is to SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD!)

"Well, because of a blithering idiot of a housekeeper, they sneak out easier than the kids on Rugrats." Steel continued, "The two kids wind up in perilous hijinx as they go to Central Park. After a couple hours of retarded dialogue from Rosy, she gets separated and winds up with Stanley. We then go into filler, which makes the filler from Naruto and Bleach look watchable by comparison."

(Stanley summons large flower, who continues stealing Stanley's hat only for Stanley to steal it back...over and over again.)

Steel pulled out a volume of Rurouni Kenshin as Doopliss played a 3DS. The two were CLEARLY not interested.

"CRAP, I haven't seen this much pointless filler since Twilight!" Steel said, "But, in Twilight's defense..." Steel thought for a few seconds before saying, "Nope. Still stupid."

(Rosey kisses Stanley, who immediately begins acting ecstatic.)

"Uh...should we be charmed by this?" Doopliss asked, "Because, I sure as heck am not. In fact, I'm kinda disturbed."

"I mean, WHO thought that was a good idea?" Steel asked.

"Uhm, I don't wanna hit a sore spot, but didn't you pair your insert up in a similar deal?" Doopliss asked.

"NOT MY FAULT!" Steel barked.

"Movie, JUST DO SOMETHING." Doopliss ordered.

(Stanley: (singing) I like to close my eyes, so my heart can clearly see...)

"You HAD to say that?" Steel growled, "This makes the songs from 'Joseph: King of Dreams' look like the musicals from 'Prince of Egypt'!"

Steel's face immediately filled with horror before shifting to sadness. He held up DVD cases for Secret of NIMH and Land Before Time. He clutched them to his chest before bursting into tears.

"There, there..." Doopliss said, patting Steel on the shoulder.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Steel barked, causing Doopliss to recoil, "NOTHING GIVES YOU THAT RIGHT!"

"Thankfully, the plot returns as Gus stumbles upon the song." Doopliss said.

(Stanley: I'm a troll.)

(Flowers: And he's a GOOD troll!)

(Gus: Talking flowers...this is weird.)

"UNDERSTATEMENT." Steel and Doopliss said in unison.

"Gus wants take Rosy away, which causes her to start crying." Steel continued, "This gets the attention of the queen (don't ask) and she curses Gus to start crying a river."

"However, they're saved when a giant, flowery boat appears." Doopliss said. The two stared, looking confused. Doopliss looked over at Steel and asked, "Are we high?"

"Lemme check." Steel said, grabbing a box labelled 'hallucinogens'. He shook it to hear that it was still completely full, "No, we're clean. And this scene gave us something I'd only expect in a Studio Ghibli film."

"Stanley then gives his half-butt explanation as to how that boat appeared in the first place." Doopliss said.

(Stanley: Anything that's real starts with a dream.)

(Gus: Dreams are silly.)

(Stanley: No! No, they're not!)

"So, dreaming about something can make it spontaneously appear?" Doopliss asked.

"Well, it MIGHT explain my arsenal and Weegee Statue." Steel murmured.

"The idiocy continues as the three approach a waterfall." Doopliss continued, "You HOPE that they crash, but..."

(Stanley: (boat begins flying) No way! This is my dream! And no one gets hurt in my dreams!)

"What the CRAP?" Steel asked, "What is the POINT of that?! AND THIS SCENE?!"

(Ship immediately goes into a happy land with people singing.)

"What is this?! Vash the Stampede's vision if it got distorted by Chris-Chan?!" Steel shouted.

(Vash: The world is made of...)

(Spirit of the Internet: SONICHU!)

"FREAKIN' LORD, THIS SONG'S STILL GOING!" Doopliss screamed, "WHAT'S THE POINT?! WHAT PURPOSE DOES IT SERVE?! WHAT THE (CENSORED) IS UP WITH THIS MOVIE?!"

"And my apathy's kicking in...NOW." Steel said, pulling out a remote, "So, I'll spare you all from this and just say Nostalgia Critic is right.."

Steel immediately fast-forwarded through the scene.

"Thanks." Doopliss sighed.

"No problem." Steel replied.

"So, they take a little nap because...I dunno." Doopliss continued, "But Gnorga and Llort are quickly there to attack them after reducing Central Park to a barren wasteland."

(Gnorga on a tricycle.)

"Is this supposed to be scary?" Doopliss asked. Steel could only shrug.

"So, after a chase scene that makes Matrix Revolutions look good by comparison, Gnorga captures Rosy." Steel said, "Gus then tries rallying Stanley to get his sister back."

(Stanley: What can I do?!)

(Gus: What about all your powers, Mr. You've-Gotta-Believe-Green-Thumb?!)

(Stanley: My prestidigitation...)

"How many kids would know what that word is?" Steel asked.

"Next to none, I'd guess." Doopliss replied.

(Stanley: is no match for Gnorga's magic!)

(Gus: OH SURE! YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT, BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED TO FIGHT HER!)

"Wow, when'd this guy turn into Leonidas?" Doopliss asked.

(Flowers all gasp.)

"He said that we should GROW SOME!" Doopliss gasped.

"Oh, the unthinkable implications!" Steel replied.

(Stanley: I'd help ya if I could, but I can't. She'll turn me into stone and I don't wanna be rockanized!)

(Gus: You'll NEVER have a dream-come-true! And you know WHY?!)

"He's an idiot?" Steel asked.

"He lives in Central Park?" Doopliss asked.

"He looks like Samwise Gamgee's retarded brother?" Xem asked.

"He gets all uppity when a toddler kisses him?" Steve asked.

"He's an illogical nutcase?" SaireNaoriva asked.

"His powers are gay?" Jerry asked.

"Some of the 'cute' faces he makes will haunt my nightmares for the next week?" Sarge Ray asked from the Bunker Underground.

"He looks like an inbred Muppet?" Dimentio asked.

"He's a flower-loving, cinema-ruining pansie?" Mad Abe asked.

"He's blander than most fanfiction inserts?" Lunatic asked.

"He's a coward?" Dezblade asked.

(Gus: YOU'RE A COWARD!)

"Oh, he's a COWARD." The members all said.

"I win!" Dez exclaimed before taking off.

"Our suggestions were better, though." Ray said.

"Yeah, they were." Saire nodded before the others walked away.

"Gus and the flowers free Rosy from the pet carrier..." Steel continued.

(static)

"Hey! That's my TARDIS!" Tohokari-Sano screamed.

(static)

"What was that?" Doopliss asked.

"I dunno, but let's pretend it didn't happen." Steel replied.

"So, Gnorga and Llort chase after the two as she turns Gus into a troll." Doopliss said, "However, he now has the power to turn things into stone as well...which raises the question as to WHY she did that in the first place. We CLEARLY see that it was a BAD IDEA."

(Gus turns Llort's feet into stone, immobilizing him.)

"I'm not sure if that's effective." Steel said, "Unless the guy's feet merged with the ground or if the stone was too heavy, if it's below the shin, I don't think it'll stop someone from walking. They'd walk SLOWLY, yes, but if their thighs, shins, and knees remain untouched, they should be able to continue walking."

"Steel, I think we abandoned LOGIC, long ago." Doopliss stated.

"Rosy falls off a cliff, but is saved by a huge fake-out that would make practically EVERY Jaws movie blush in embarrassment." Steel continued, "Yep, Stanley decided to get some guts and save the day."

(Gnorga: What do we have HERE (leans in close)?!)

"TOO CLOSE!" the two shrieked.

(Stanley holds out his own thumb and begins thumb-wrestling with Gnorga.)

"Ultimately, Stanley wins out and they head for home." Doopliss continued, "But Gnorga uses her power over thumbs-hi, when could she do that?-to control Gus and turn Stanley into stone..." he took into account what he just said, sighed, before saying, "Bluth, whatever you're on, give your AUDIENCE some, so WE can understand what the heck's going on!"

"Who's complaining?" Steel asked, "The guy's a lawn ornament now."

"Gus is changed back, but Stanley is still a piece of rock." Doopliss continued, "The NON-British parents return and the next day, they're off to Central Park because of Gus demanding that they go to it a second time."

"So, Gus uses his magic thumb, which he SOMEHOW has despite being human, to try and turn Stanley back." Steel continued, "It doesn't seem to work until it suddenly does. WHY? God only knows."

"Stanley then spreads vegetation all over New York, thus throwing the world's economy into even MORE turmoil than it already was." Doopliss said, "This also allows Poison Ivy to take over the world. The end."

"So, Troll In Central Park." Steel concluded, looking over to Doopliss before saying, "I didn't like it."

"Same here." Doopliss nodded.

"I mean, the animation's decent and I DO like Dom DeLuise's voice, but the story makes no sense and it's just so half-butt that any form of creativity is LOST." Steel said, "Couple that with the fact that there's WAY too much filler and pandering, and this is undeniably Don Bluth's worst film."

"And the shoe-horned in morals only make things worse." Dimentio said, "You can do anything by just DREAMING?! Nonsensical!"

"So...are you gonna get back to killing me?" Steel asked.

"No, the movie was so horrible that I have to retreat and recover." Doopliss said, "But I'll be back! COUNT ON THAT!"

Doopliss cackled before mist began rising from the ground to completely engulf him. When it faded, he was still there, just walking to the door and walking out.

"Well, that was weird." Steel said, "Anyway, I'm Tohokari-Steel, THIS was Outta the DVD, and I'm outta here."

Steel walked over to see Xemnas1992 working on a pile of wristbands with the colors red, blue, black, yellow, pink, and green streaks across them.

"So, how're the Media Morphers coming?" Steel asked.

"Great, I just finished 'em." Xem said, holding them up, "Reverse-engineering those robots did wonders for 'em."

"So, any ideas about who gets the other Morphers?" Saire asked.

"Well, I've got an idea for one of them." Steel said, grabbing the pink morpher, "It's a newer critic who needs some help."

Steel then walked out.

"Am I the only one who thinks the fact that he walked out with the PINK morpher kinda...y'know." Steve said.

"I'M STRAIGHT!" Steel barked.

(static)

Doopliss walked out, chuckling deviously to himself, "Just wait until next time, Steel! You will rue the day you ever crossed paths with DOOP-"

POW!

Doopliss was knocked over by a fist.

"OW! SON OF A-" he looked up to see Iron with his crossbow in hand, "Oh, it's YOU. That clone Saire created from our home dimension."

"Yeah. Too bad you left." Iron replied, holding up the crossbow.

"Wait, STOP!" Doopliss pleaded as he tried backing away, "I am king of our dimension! I ORDER YOU TO-"

"I don't answer to you anymore." Iron said, "So, my NEW boss was wondering if you were interested in an alliance or now."

(TO BE CONTINUED...)

(I like to close my eyes
So my heart can plainly see
Right through the way things are clear to the way they ought to be
To somewhere that's safe and sunlit, and serene
Oh! And absolutely green

Picture a perfect place
Where there is no doom and gloom
Birds singing happy songs
And flowers bursting into bloom
There's somewhere like nowhere else you've ever seen
That's absolutely green)

Pros:
-Decent animation
-Dom DeLuise's voice

Cons:
-Annoying characters
-Too much FILLER
-Too much PANDERING
-Nonsensical story
-Awful morals

Final Score:
1.5/10

Clips Used:
Seven Rings In Hand by Steve Conte
A Troll In Central Park
UHF
Little Shop of Horrors
Hetalia: Axis Powers
Trigun
Atop the Fourth Wall
Absolutely Green

(Gus: This is weird.)