Death Battle Prelude: King Arthur vs. Beowulf

Deadpool: Please...don't make us do this!

Question: You wanted to Host a Death Battle. Now, you GET to.

Lobo: I oughta turn ya into roadkill, y'know that?

Question: You will TRY...

Deadpool: C'mon, Q! We KNOW Steel's got at least TWO matches with sexy ladies! Can't we do one of THOSE?

Question: Sorry, those seem to have mysteriously disappeared. (whites out the matches that were clearly there)

Lobo: I'm gonna frag somethin'...

Deadpool: (sigh) Match between English lit's most iconic heroes. King Arthur, their most iconic character. Beowulf, their first character. Yadda yadda yadda. I'm Deadpool, he's Lobo.

Lobo: And we're tryin' to find out which of these geeks wins a Death Battle.


KING ARTHUR
Nationality: British, more specifically Welsh
Estimated time of reign: 5th or 6th Century, A.D.
Theme: 

FEATS:
Pulled the sword Caliburn from the stone
-It was a test, proving him to be the rightful king of Britain
Founded Camelot in modern day Cornwall
Created the Knights of the Round Table and ushered in a golden age
Was given Excalibur after Caliburn was shattered
Killed Mordred in the Battle of Camlann
-Said conflict resulted in him being mortally wounded
Knows a lot about swallows

Question: He's England's most iconic fictional character and one of their most beloved national icons. There are MANY legends behind King Arthur, but we will be trying to narrow it down to things that actually appeared in Arthurian lore (mostly thanks to Edge, by the way).

Deadpool: First of all, he was actually a chick-

Question: Wrong. That was invented entirely by Type-MOON.

Deadpool: Stupid jerk. Won't let us reference Nasuverse. This Death Battle sucks...

Question: Artorius (or "Arthur" as he's known in modern English) Pendragon was the child of the great king Uther Pendragon, who entrusted him to the wizard Merlin as a boy upon hearing about his fate. Merlin left Arthur in the care of a knight named Ector while Uther's life expired, resulting in a dark age in Britain. However, there was also a test that ended the possibility of civil war to try and claim the throne--a sword was placed in an anvil and only the rightful king could remove it.

Lobo: Seems easier to just frag everyone else, but I'M not some magic, fancy-pants geek!

Deadpool: Yeah, I'd just go "screw this, you're all dead, I'M callin' the shots now".

Question: Ignoring these two, eventually the boy drew the sword and was named King Arthur. He used his education from Merlin as well as his fundamental decency to unite Britain and form a Golden Age, founding the castle of Camelot and the Knights of the Round Table, using their collective strength to help the common folk...

Lobo: And then some crap about him doin' his sister, Lance bangin' his wife, and everything goes down the crapper. All live happily ever after, THE END. MOVING ONTO WEAPONS NOW.

Question: (sigh) I miss Steel...

Deadpool: Arthur's iconic weapon is Excalibur, the Sword in the-

Question: Wrong. That sword was shattered in combat, so Arthur obtained this blade from the Lady of the Lake as a replacement.

Deadpool: WHAT? Quest for Camelot LIED TO ME?!

Question: That has about as much accuracy to the Arthur legend as that ONE movie that shall go unmentioned. Excalibur is an incredibly powerful, magic sword that is capable of cutting through stone and steel, also releasing a blinding flash of light when unsheathed.

Lobo: Yeah, yeah, pretty lights all around. Pulls out his sword, everyone recoils. I get the same just by-

Question: ARTHUR'S SHEATH also has powerful magical properties, preventing him from bleeding out from injuries...or, possibly, even from bleeding at all.

Deadpool: I have a suggestion for that--SEE A DOCTOR.

Lobo: Not that it helped him against his ol' sonny kid, eh? HAHA!



EXCALIBUR:
Arthur's magic sword
Given to him by the Lady of the Lake
-Meant to replace the original Sword in the Stone
Incredibly powerful
-Capable of cutting stone and steel
-Indestructible
-Releases flash of light when unsheathed


EXCALIBUR'S SHEATH
Either prevents blood loss or possibly bleeding from wounds

Question: Though Excalibur is Arthur's most iconic weapon, he also comes equipped with other, less famous, but also iconic tools. His mantle, the last of the thirteen Great Treasures of Britain, is said to grant invisibility.

Lobo: Please, what weapons THIS twerp brings could be boss? That spear thing? Jormungand-

Question: Rhongomyniad.

Lobo: Whatever. I mean, that thing's got a...large blade, quenched in poison, capable of killing nine geeks with a single thust?

Deadpool: And a knife that never misses and can cleave people in half?

Lobo and Deadpool: GIMME, GIMME, GIMME!

Question: Not much chance of that. BOTH were weapons from God and I doubt either of you are on His "Nice List". Arthur also brings his reliable shield, Wynebgwrthucher.

Deadpool: Not much to say about the shield, other than it has a pic of Mary on it and looks like a word someone came up with while drunk.

Question: Because it's not like it's WELSH, right?

Lobo: Save it for someone who gives a crap.


MANTLE
Grants invisibility
Last of the thirteen Great Treasures of Britain



RHONGOMYNIAD:
Arthur's lance
-Also called "Ron"
Described as "long, broad in the blade"
Arthur used it to kill Mordred
Similar to a spear in Irish mythology
-Quenched in poison
-Capable of killing nine men with a single strike
Gift from God


WYNEBGWRTHUCHER:
Arthur's shield
Depicts the Virgin Mary


CARNWENNAN:
Arthur's dagger
Always hits its target when thrown
-Even in night
Split the Black Hag in two with one strike
Gift from God

Question: Physically-speaking, you would believe Arthur was not too skilled...but wrong. He was a very capable fighter, slaying the French King Frollo.

Deadpool: That and he racked up a kill count that Simo Hayha would be jealous of in the Battle of Mt. Badon! Honestly, I'M jealous...and I once killed the Marvel Universe!

PHYSICALITY...
Very capable fighter
-Fought and slew King Frollo
Killed 960 men, single-handed in the Battle of Mt. Badon
-Was his twelfth battle by this point

Lobo: But even THIS geek can be stopped. Later in life, he was more like a governor than a warrior, he can and DID die, and his legends CAN be inconsistent.

Deadpool: Coming from us comic book characters, that's saying something.

Question: One legend has him wielding a club and being more of a Heracles-esque figure, but that was most likely a propaganda piece done by the Catholic Church to assert their superiority.


WEAKNESSES:
More diplomat than warrior by old age
Legends can be inconsistent

Question: However, he did not become the King of Britain, beloved by all, for nothing. He-

Lobo: Did stuff, state how awesome he is, THE END.

I found Him in the shining of the stars,
I marked Him in the flowering of His fields,
But in His ways with men I find Him not.
I waged His wars, and now I pass and die.
"Idylls of the King", Alfred Lord Tennyson


BEOWULF
Nationality: Geatish
Estimated time of reign: 9th/11th century
Theme:

FEATS:
Pulled out Grendel's arm, bare-handed
Killed Grendel's mother
Killed a dragon, single-handed
-Said act killed him

Question: In Scandinavia, legend tells of a mighty warrior, who slew three monsters, saving a nation and his own kingdom. A man who was completely fearless in battle, who would-

Lobo: Some dweeb named Beowulf who NEVER banged Angelina Jolie and his kid's not the dragon. MOVING ON.

Deadpool: What? We had to riff on that crap SOMEHOW.

Question: ...Beowulf was the son of Edgetho, a mighty warrior in his own right. Due to the poem being made at a point when the lands of pagan Europe was converting to Christianity, the two themes show up a lot. References to God, Jesus, and other Biblical sources are made all over the place, but Beowulf's mission seems rather pagan, since there IS no afterlife in pagan philosophy, as such you need to do whatever you can to leave enough of an impact on the world.

Deadpool: God bless those Pagans.

Question: Beowulf heard of the suffering of Hrothgar, King of the Spear Danes, as he was engaged in a twelve year long, lopsided war with the monster, Grendel. Beowulf, being one of the strongest warriors ever, proved to be more than a match for the monster. Then, Grendel's mother arrived to avenge her son's demise and began doing what he did before.

Deadpool: I wish MY mother cared that much. (sniffles)

Question: Having saved the lands and being made Hrothgar's adopted son, Beowulf returned to his homeland of Geatland-

Lobo: (under breath) GEEK Land.

Question: Where he promptly began boasting of his tales. The king died and wanted to make him king, but he declined, so the king's son was made king. Then there was a battle with the Swedes and then the son was killed, naming Beowulf king on his deathbed.

Deadpool: Hey, how's THAT for climbing the corporate ladder?

Question: Beowulf reigned for many years, but when he was an old man, a dragon flew in and began destroying everything. Beowulf rode out to slay the dragon, and he did...but then he died, leaving his kingdom to be destroyed and leaving only his tale behind.

Lobo: Yeah, yeah, sucks for him. Let's just move on!

Question: Throughout the tale, Beowulf has used up to three swords.

Deadpool: I'll take it from here, Vic. I'M more sword-savvy! Isn't that right, "I Can't Believe It's Not Murder"? Anyway, first up is Hrunting, a sword given to Beowulf by Hrothgar's cowardly toady, Unferth. Tempered with human blood, it's said to NEVER fail. Beowulf tried using it on Grendel's Mommy, but it quickly proved to be the Tennessee Tuxedo of Viking swords.


HRUNTING
Sword given to him by Unferth to fight Grendel's mother
Can cut through anything
-Tempered with blood

Deadpool: What DID work, on the other hand, was a giant's sword that he just happened to find lying around. This bit of gargantuan culinary art was blessed by God, making it able to get through Grendel's Mother faster than a speed-reader gets through the 3182 line poem!


GIANT SWORD
Sword Beowulf used to slay Grendel's mother
Blessed by God
Forged by giants
-No freaking duh

Deadpool: And finally, is the king's sword, Naegling. NO, it's not the sword from the Inheritance Cycle. Some of these things existed BEFORE Paolini. This gem-studded blade is a symbol of prestige among the Geats and is what he used against that pesky dragon, only for it to break due to the force of the impact he made. All for just three easy payments at $9.95!!




NAEGLING:
Beowulf's gem-studded sword
Given to him by King Hygelac after his death
Shattered due to Beowulf's strength

Lobo: Geek the Geat might have a bad history with swords, but the reason for it is because he's so fraggin' strong. If you can pull a monster's arm right outta the socket, you're either Superboy Prime or ya've got somethin'.

Question: ...Option B. He's not NEARLY as whiny.




PHYSICAL STRENGTH:
Pulled out Grendel's arm
Said to be strong enough to not be able to use man-made weapons
Fought and killed a dragon
-Accomplished this when he was in his nineties

Question: Beowulf also has his own defense, chain mail armor. The most common form of armor for vikings and warriors of the north, and it HAS saved his life from Grendel's mother and the sea monsters that lived around her lair.


CHAIN MAIL:
Common armor of a Northern warrior
Effective against slashing weapons
Saved Beowulf from Grendel's mother

Deadpool: There's ONE major drawback, though. Unlike his enemy, Wulfie doesn't have an expansive mythos to draw from, just the ONE epic. So, not a lot to draw from.


WEAKNESSES:
Less expansive mythos

Question: Bu-

Lobo: Do that ending bit and I'm rippin' your faceless head off.

Question: ...Fair enough.

Nor have I seen
a mightier man-at-arms on this earth
than the one standing here: unless I am mistaken,
he is truly noble. This is no mere 
hanger-on in a hero's armour.
"Beowulf", lines 244-251