Death Battle: Deadpool vs. Lobo

Question: The combatants are set and the arguments considered.

Roy: Yep. Time to settle this, once and for all.

Bella, Ivan, and Steel: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!

--

Somewheresville, USA

Deadpool was skipping along the streets, happy as could be...since he just cashed in a check for his latest job. Holding his check in hand, heart and soul filled with song. With such an attitude, it wasn't so out there that he began to sing.

"Three little maids from school are we
Pert as a school-girl well can be
Filled to the brim with girlish GLEE-"

BANG!

A blast from a gun promptly bowled the Merc with a Mouth off his feet, sending him to the ground. Standing in front of him with a smoking gun was Lobo.

"I saw what ya wrote on my chest in the prelude, geek." the last Czarnian snarled.

"AND armpit, 'cuz Steel sucks with MS Paint." Deadpool added...before noticing that his check had been reduced to confetti. His eyes narrowed as he sprung up, "Now, it's personal."

FIGHT!

Deadpool drew his swords and lunged at Lobo, who began firing with his gun. Deadpool warped out of the way of each blast before closing the distance, slashing at Lobo while becoming a whirlwind of blades. He then pulled out one of his guns and shot Lobo right in the face, sending the Main Man to the ground. He spun the gun on his finger before holstering it.

"When a merc says 'good-bye'
'Cuz he shot out your eye,
That's amore!"

Yellow Voice: He sings like an angel!

White Voice: A drunk, perverted angel who should really just-

With a sudden burst of pain, something stabbed Deadpool in the back, sending him to the ground in a heap.

White Voice: THANK YOU.

Deadpool looked over to see Lobo was still up and kicking, a hook with a chain in hand.

"Is that the best you can do?" Deadpool asked.

"Nah, THIS is!" Lobo pulled back his fist.

With a burst of pain, Deadpool suddenly felt weightless and pondered why the sky and ground were spinning around so much and the sudden appearance of stars. With another burst of pain, he slammed into a building. He groaned as he slowly slid down hit the ground.

"That's gonna hurt come winter..." he groaned. He sprung up and pulled out a set of sai, warping towards Lobo.

The white bounty hunter blocked the sai's strike with his hook before thrusting his boot out, only for Deadpool to warp away and dodge. He jammed one of the sai into Lobo's back, the bounty hunter grabbing Deadpool by the wrist before smashing him down on the ground.

"Spine snapped...ribs shattered...organs ruptured...ellipses abused...resolve unbroken!" Deadpool delivered a series of kicks to Lobo's face before grabbing his swords, slashing at the Main Man's face.

"DIRTY FRAGGER!" he yelled, letting go of Deadpool.

"Used this on Deathstroke during Dimension-Dino's text review!" Deadpool lunged up to the previous paragraph and swung it down, smashing it onto Lobo's head.

Lobo yelled as the block of words smashed down onto him. Not helped by the Merc with a Mouth swinging it across his face, knocking him aside. The Crimson Nutjob then held the paragraph like a baseball bat.

"AND IT'S A HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME-RUN!" he whooped, bringing the paragraph into Lobo, sending the Main Man flying.

"DIRTY FRAGGIN', FRIG, FRAG, FRAG-" Lobo cursed as he flew through the air, smashing through buildings...before realizing that there was something strapped to his chest.

Deadpool snickered as he tossed a trigger up and down before catching it and pushing a button.

BOOM!

"And 'boom' goes the dynamite. K-O! DEADPOOL!" Deadpool exclaimed...just before...

BLAM!

A gunshot sent him flying backward as Lobo walked over, looking none the worse for wear, despite being blown up and sent flying. The gun he was carrying was basically the average one seen in a Rob Liefeld comic.

"Look, Wolfie, I know we're both tied to Liefeld in some way, but ya need to get with the times!"

Lobo's response was to shoot Deadpool again.

"What? Touchy subject?"

The merc jumped up, pulling out a set of SMG's and opening-fire on the red-eyed bounty hunter, all the while shouting "BANG!". Lobo walked towards Deadpool, firing the gun over and over. When he got close, he grabbed Deadpool by the neck and hoisted him up off the ground.

"Any last words, geek?" he asked.

"Yeah." Deadpool said, quickly pulling out a grenade and pulling the pin before jamming it in Lobo's mouth, "WHO WANTS SNACKS?! YOU DO!"

He warped away just as it went off.

KA-BOOM!

"And they all lived happily ever after...except THAT guy." Deadpool commented. An all-too-familiar hook flew out to impale Deadpool on the shoulder. The merc sighed, "Look, Steel, I know you're not as good at fight scenes as you'd like to be, but we BOTH know you can do better than this, ya-"

"FRAGGER!"

With a tug, Deadpool flew over, all the while emitting a high-pitched scream. He wound up making contact with a massive fist right in the direction he was flying. He thought he heard the sound of his beloved, Mexican food, but knew it was the noise of his skull being shattered and healing. Lobo slammed Deadpool onto the ground.

"Now, the more ya move, the worse it'll hurt, so feel free to go crazy." He stated.

"Won't take a lot of work for that, so-"

BAM!

WHAM!

SLAM!

ASSAULT AND BATTERY!

"Nice use of police crap." Lobo commented.

"I see sideways in time..." Deadpool groaned.

"Lousy, fraggin' geek." Lobo growled, turning to leave before getting impaled on a sword.

"What? This ISN'T carbinadium? Why's that work for the ACTUAL Death Battle guys, but not HERE?" Deadpool asked.

"SCREW. THIS." Lobo growled before sticking his fingers in his mouth and whistling.

At that point, a massive motorcycle flew over. Lobo grabbed the blade of the sword before pulling it out. He then turned to deliver a punch to Deadpool's face before kicking him in the chest, sending the crimson nutball rolling across the ground. Lobo walked over to his Spacehog, climbing aboard.

"Tell Saint Nick I said 'hi'!" he shouted as missiles and lasers fired out from his weapon-level, galaxy-hopping motorcycle.

Deadpool sprung up and began warping out of the way of the projectiles, which caused mass destruction and thousands of accidental casualties. The merc with a mouth pulled a grappling hook gun from his pouch, which he fired at the Main Man. It missed and, instead, latched onto the bike. Lobo spat to the side before revving his bike before taking off. Deadpool's grip was, apparently, tougher than he thought and he was dragged along.

"I'm NOT letting go!" he yelled, "NOTHING will stop me! Not even-"

WARNING
Ye Olde Mine Field

BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!

Deadpool still held on, despite being blackened and ragged.

"STILL not letting go! Not even for-" Deadpool gasped in horror.



WARNING
Lo-Quality Death Battles

Skips vs. Nightwolf
Mario vs. Sonic Rematch
Gon vs. Spongebob

Deadpool, despite being now bifurcated, kept clinging to his grappling hook.

"IF YOU THINK I'M LETTING GO FOR-"



"OH NO!"

With another scream, Lobo glanced back to see Deadpool gone, "Heh, looks like that got him."

With a warp, Deadpool appeared on his bike handle, completely healed, "Listen, buddy, maybe we should have a chat. Do YOU like chimichangas?"

POW!

Lobo punched him off the handlebars. With a whirl of red, Deadpool appeared on it again.

"Okay, THAT was just rude. Do you really-"

POW!

"Have nothing-"

POW!

"Better to-"

POW!

"Okay, that's it." Deadpool snapped, hooking two fingers into Lobo's nose before pulling up, making the Main Man yell. He grabbed Deadpool's head, slamming his face onto his forearm, "Ow. Ow. Ow."

Unable to see where he was going, Lobo screeched around, approaching a nearby canyon. Suddenly, it flew over the edge. Then suddenly, everything faded to white.

...


...


...


CRASH!

"Way to ruin a Thelma & Louise reference, jackass." Deadpool shouted.

In the twisted, burning wreckage that was Lobo's Spacehog, the crimson nutball reattached severed limbs and realigned bones with sickening crunches. The Main Man was doing the same thing, standing up to glare at Deadpool.

"Wait...you can't DIE, can ya?" Deadpool asked.

"Nah, too bad for-wait, YOU can't die, either?" Lobo asked, stopping halfway through throwing a punch at his enemy.

"Nope, much to the chagrin of MANY a hater." He said.

"WELL, WHY'RE WE FIGHTING THEN?!" Lobo shouted, enraged.

"I HAVE NO IDEA!" Deadpool shouted in return.

"DID WE JUST BECOME BUDDIES OR SOMETHIN'?!" Lobo shouted, still sounding angered.

"I THINK WE JUST DID!" Deadpool shouted, also sounding angered. Their tones didn't change at all as they continued shouting at each other, "WANNA HANG OUT RIGHT NOW?!"

"SURE, WHY NOT?!"

"LET'S GET SOME DRINKS!"

"I CAN'T GET DRUNK!"

"ME NEITHER! BUT IT'S FUN! NOW, LET'S GO! IT'S MY TREAT!"

The two then stormed off, looking furious.

K-O...?

--

Ivan: Hey, where are they going?

Steel: Get back in there AND KILL EACH OTHER!

Question: Well,thatwasfun,guys.Seeya. (quickly runs off)

Bella: Wonder where Vic's going in such a hurry...

Roy: Not entirely sure what happened, but I'm guessing that they realized that there's no real point in it. And they have so much in common that they kinda became buddies. Add that to their shared cosmic awareness-

Ding-dong

Bella: I'll get it!

Roy: Expecting any visitors right now?

Steel: No, I don't think I've committed any REAL felonies, so-oh no...OH NO!

Deadpool: Hello, jerkwads!

Steel: Hey, I didn't lie about-

Deadpool: No, but you made me fight THE BEST FRIEND I'VE EVER HAD!

Lobo: Yeah, this guy's alright. He really gets me! Like how we wanna beat the crap outta ya lousy fraggers and take over the show!

Bella: Should I start running now?

Roy: ...I think we should.

Ivan: I regret nothing.

Steel: I regret letting Q get outta this without a scratch.

The rest of this sequence is too violent for younger readers.


WINNER: TIE